News that may seem depressing but is really not: I'm getting a divorce.

[Pale Blue Dot]

My wife and I have come to the conclusion, based on mutual love and respect for each other, that we cannot make each other happy. We have been married for 12 years, and we produced one outstanding achievement - our son Kevin. He is our chief concern right now; in fact, our overwhelming love for him probably delayed this decision for about 5 years. However, recent events have lead both of us to agree that we should just stop pretending and get on with our lives.

This will be the most amicable divorce of all time. My wife and I will remain friends; we will even continue living together for the time being until we have a few things settled.

Please, no tears for us. This is really the right decision for both of us. I would welcome all the good vibes that you can send to Kevin, however. He is the last person either one of us ever want to hurt. Thanks, everyone.

[Not Me]

1. Work hard to keep it amicable...

the legal system in many states makes divorce a very adversarial arrangement. Don't let anyone tell you to do anything that the two or you don't want to do.

[Pale Blue Dot]

12. Thanks!

I'll keep that in mind.

[Dookus]

2. Congratulations...

It's nice to hear of a good breakup. Sounds like you're both very mature and you have the right priorities - your son. Best of luck to you all.

[Pale Blue Dot]

13. Thank you, dookus.

I actually feel mature about this.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

3. It's more a reflection of your integrity and hers than anything

Good on both of you for not having your son grow up in a loveless household where something is always missing....where there is a commitment to workability, things will work out.

[Pale Blue Dot]

14. Thank you, Teena.

... for everything. :loveya:

[SarahB]

4. I understand. I'm basically there in the same spot.

Yesterday, was actually our 13th anniversary, but I said nothing because the last thing I needed was any congratulations. We're the same way- trying to be very amicable for the children, are going to be together under the same roof for some time, want to stop pretending, should have thought about this 6 years ago. Most people don't get it or get us. I don't think he gets me most of the time especially. Hell, I don't. I love this man. He's my best friend, but the things he wants from a relationship and the things I want are different in many different aspects. I was only 19 when I married him. He was 28. I still had a lot of growing to do and the person I am now is not the person I was at 19. I'm not sure where life will take me, but I also know, I don't want to wake up one day and I'm 50, 60, or 70 years old having the same regrets.

[Pale Blue Dot]

16. Actually, 5 years ago it would not have gone smoothly

My wife and I am in a place now where we understand ourselves and our relationship. I felt very good to admit to each other that we were neve meant to be. I hope for your sake that you and your husband can get to the same place at some point.

[Mikimouse]

43. I send congratulations and best wishes to you both...

Amicable divorces are the real sign of strength on both sides, and I salute you both for doing it this way.

[On the Road]

5. Congratulations

If that's really the situation, it's better to break up than to let the marriage make both of you unhappy. That's what I did and have never regretted it.

I separated when my daughter was almost 6. I see her all the time and stay on reasonably good terms with my ex. Angie just turned 14 and said "My friends sometimes say they're sorry that my parents are divorced, but I think I have a more normal family life than any of them." So as far as your son goes, it can work out well for him. Good luck.

[Pale Blue Dot]

17. Thanks, ribofunk.

I always want to be a daily part of Kevin's life. Your story is very encouraging.

[On the Road]

36. Separating Was Probably the Toughest Thing I Ever Had to Do

I almost went off the edge for months. But after leaving, I have never regretted it for a minute or thought it was the wrong thing.

As long as you and your son's mother can work things out and act like life is normal your child will be OK. I actually think I have a better and more individual relationship with Angie because I spend time with her personally rather than as a group.

[terrya]

6. I will send good vibes to Kevin, my friend.

But I'm not sure that it's necessary. It's plainly obvious that he has the best parents who will always look after his welfare. Kevin may not understand it now, but he will ultimately come to see that even though you and your wife will no longer be married, he still has a loving family.

I'm so touched reading this, Finn. You just defined "family values" to us.

All of my thoughts to you and your family, my friend.

Terry

[Pale Blue Dot]

19. As always, my friend,

thanks for being a part of this community. :hi:

[TrogL]

7. An amicable divorce can be done

My wife and I now have a lot in common. We both hate her lawyer.

[Pale Blue Dot]

20. LOL

We haven't even talked about lawyers yet - are they completely necessary?

[Senior citizen]

29. No, lawyers are not always necessary.

Check the nearest library for the NOLO book on doing your own divorce to see if it covers your state. NOLO books always start out by explaining in simple terms when you can consider using the book, and when you should consider an attorney. There are very few legal type things, at least in my own personal experience, that can't be done with the appropriate NOLO book. If legal help turns out to be necessary, in many places there are paralegals who can do divorces for less than attorneys would charge. If it is an amicable divorce without zillions of dollars to divvy up, check out NOLO first.

Oh, and congratulations to both of you, and to Kevin who will probably benefit the most.


:toast: :yourock: :bounce:

[MissMillie]

8. Kevin is lucky to have parents who put him first

Even when such parents are not married to each other, they are still the best kind of parents to have.

[Pale Blue Dot]

21. Thank you.

I hope that Kevin grows to see that.

[Robb]

9. Holy cow, FF

...I'm glad to hear it's amicable, but man! It seems like marriages are popping apart all around us these days!

My good thoughts and vibes to Kevin, for sure. :)

[Pale Blue Dot]

22. I told Skinner that he should issue a warning to prospective mods.

Warning to DU: Moderators have a higher divorce rate than the rest of DU! :evilgrin:

[Robb]

28. No kiddin'!

Maybe we can blame same-sex marriage somehow. :silly:

[flamingyouth]

10. You and your wife are amazing people

And you have a great kid who stands up and shouts for the Democrats while at his Cub Scout meetings! :D How could you ever go wrong with him. All three of you deserve the best, and of course we are all holding good thoughts for Kevin, as always.

[Pale Blue Dot]

23. Thank you, Lisa

And thanks for the pigeons. :D

[mede8er]

11. Kudos to you both.....

I see too much of the other side of amicable.....keep your focus and this can work.......:thumbsup:

[Pale Blue Dot]

24. We will, mede8er,

and thanks.

[BlackVelvetElvis]

15. I'm glad things will work well!

BTW, how old is Kevin?
You and your wife sound like wonderful parents.

[Pale Blue Dot]

25. Kevin is nine.

And he's perfect in every way. :D

[Renew Deal]

18. You know what that means... Chicks

[flamingyouth]

26. Oh no, warn the women of Philadelphia

Finnfan is on the loose!:evilgrin:

[Pale Blue Dot]

27. LOL!

Look at the peeps on that one! :spank:

[NewJeffCT]

39. LOL - but, it is true.

But, it was true in my case. Before I met my ex-wife, I was very shy and hardly dated at all. (probably was not a good idea to get swept up & get married to the first serious g/f I had...)

Within a week of her filing for divorce, I had 3 or 4 dates and the whole next year was practically out of an adolescent fantasy for me - women no longer thought of me as too nice and those hot college chicks that wouldn't give me the time of day when I was actually in college were suddenly interested now that I was in my early 30s and going through a divorce.

We were great as boyfriend/girlfriend and even fiance/fiancee, but terrible as a married couple - when she filed for divorce, she asked me if I was going to counterfile claiming mental abuse. Luckily, we had no kids.

We've hardly kept in touch since the divorce was final, though we've been amicable the few times we have talked.

[GreenPartyVoter]

30. *hugs* for you and your young 'un.

[loftycity]

31. Always remember the good times and keep that in your heart

You will always be best friends...and that is the most important part of life.

[OKNancy]

32. You will reget your divorce

unless there is something you aren't saying. I had one of those amicable divorces and years later we both agreed that if we had just worked a little harder, or if divorce had been harder to get, things would be much better....especially for our child.

Think again...please. If you are really that good with each other, then work on it some more.

And Kevin will be hurt. No getting around it.

[Pale Blue Dot]

33. There is something that I'm not saying

But thank you for your concern. I know Kevin will be hurt, we just want to minimize it.

[davsand]

34. Best of luck to you all!

I hope all turns out well for you--even if you did hammer me in DU Football, I still kinda like you! :)

Nah--don't get discouraged. We used to run around with a guy who was divorced with a couple kids, and he and his ex-wife were most compatible. (He frequently said they got along a lot better after the divorce, BTW, because they didn't live together any more.)

They had a joint custody arrangement that had them living a couple blocks apart and the kids ran back and forth all the time--they had rooms in both places. They ALL got together for the holidays--including the new husband and his kids...

There is hope!


Laura

[Pale Blue Dot]

35. Thanks Laura

Will I be kicking your butt again this year?

[davsand]

45. You are an EVIL man, but I still like you!

Just can't WAIT to mess with me in Fantasy Football again--eh? I'd THINK by now, the thrill of kickin my ass had worn off--but NOOOOO--not for you! ;)

Smartyboots! Just you wait!!!


Laura

[GOPisEvil]

37. I kinda figured this might happen.

But, I'm really glad you're being adult about this whole thing. Your son will learn a lot from how you two deal with this.

My best wishes to all three of you.

[SiouxJ]

38. I think you made the right decision Patrick

I'm glad you guys are handling it in a calm manner. It might not seem like it at first but in the long run I think this will be so good for you!

:loveya:

[NewJeffCT]

40. best of luck to all of you

As they mentioned above, do your best to remain amicable... especially when you're around your son.

[geniph]

41. Amicable divorces are very possible

I had one. Telling my ex I was leaving him was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do - he wouldn't admit at first that it was for the best - but oh GOD, what a load off my mind when I got free. I kissed the floor of my apartment in my joy at being out of a situation that was becoming daily more oppressive for both of us. Within a year, he was pestering me to finalize the paperwork because he'd fallen in love and she was pregnant. We both have since remarried, very happily. We just were not right for each other.

If yours is a no-fault state with standard custody and support agreements, and you've agreed on property division, you will not need lawyers. File for divorce and state in the paperwork that you will use the state formula for custody and support, and that property has already been divided, and in 90 days, a judge will ask you three questions or so ("is the marriage irretrievably broken, is the wife pregnant" and I forget the third one), and then you're divorced.

Sometimes the best thing for a kid is to be free of parents who can't live together anymore, who are not happy together and never will be. I'll tell you what my husband's older boy recently admitted to us was his first thought when he heard his parents were splitting (he was 10, by the way) - "Cool! Two Christmases!" Materialistic little bastid. ;-) Divorce is not always a huge trauma for kids.

[GregW]

42. News like this always makes me think of an Enz song ...

Sorry, mate.

I Hope I Never

I fall apart when your around
When you're here, I'm nowhere
I can't pretend that I'm not down
I show it, I know it
I've been a fool - more than once, more than twice
I'm gonna move to a new town where the people are nice

I hope I never, I hope I never have to sigh again
I hope I never, I hope I never have to cry again
I still want to beam and smile yah
Happiness is back in style yeah
I hope I never, I hope I never have to see you again
Again, oh oh oh oh

It should be possible I know
To see you without stress
But I can see I'll have to go
I'm changing my address
My urge to cry I have failed to conceal
Life - it's no fun when your hunted by the things that you feel

I hope I never, I hope I never have to cry again
I hope I never, I hope I never have to sigh again
I'm for living while you can
I'm an optimistic man
I hope I never, I hope I never have to see you again
Again, oh oh oh oh...

I hope I never.. I hope I never..
I hope I never, never, never, never...

I hope I never..
I hope I never have to see you again

[Insider]

44. best wishes, finnfan

sounds like you are living in reality, and off to a good, sound start. best wishes to you and your wife and kevin.

[daligirrl]

46. God, you guys are civilized. . .

:toast: