I need jokes, I am depressed and angry

[commander bunnypants]

I am pissed at the Middle East situation, You ain't seen nothing yet between Israel and Palestine. I am pissed at work, I am pissed at my broken foot, I am pissed at my wife who wont let me watch Star Trek in silence so I can dream of a better world, I am pissed at my mom, who wants every thing done yesterday, Lets just nuke the whole world so the great spirit can start over. JUst in a bad mood and need jokes to help me through


DDQM

[Boudicea]

1. Hey Demman, I hate to hear your life sucks today

Not a joke, but my fav Simpson's moment: Homie and the kids are on the couch watching the tube, announcer says "up next, No Pants Island!"

[GOPisEvil]

2. That's it - I'm sending Skittles to kick your ass.

:-)

[commander bunnypants]

7. Please

DDQM

[democrat in Tallahassee]

3. 2 jokes for you: Bush is president and Ahnold is running for governor

sorry, not very funny, uh? Well, cheer up. Things have to get better.

[TioDiego]

4. Take it easy there big fella....

Think of something happy, like getting rid of BushCo. I wish my Mom were still alive, so she could want everything done yesterday. I mean that in the most nicest way. Kiss your wife and kiss your mom, and be of good cheer.

[larryepke]

5. You've probably heard this one

US Attorney General John Ashcroft is visiting an elementary school. After the typical civics presentation, he announces, "All right, boys and girls, you can all ask me questions now."

A young boy named Bobby raises his hand and says, "I have 3 questions:

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?
3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"

Just then the bell rings so all the kids run out to the playground.

Fifteen minutes later, the kids come back into class and again Ashcroft
says, "I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can all ask
me questions."

A young girl raises her hand and says, "I have 5 questions:

1. How did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
2. Why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?
3. Why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?
4. Why did the bell go off 20 minutes early?
5. Where's Bobby?"

[commander bunnypants]

6. LOL

DDQM-

Just Blah

[kmla]

8. Try the website below - click on one of the hands...

http://www.misternicehands.com/

You need sound for this one.

[Crewleader]

9. Demman I laughed at this...hope you feel better friend!

http://www.flowgo.com/flowgo2_view.cfm?page_id=64353

[rock]

10. Alright, a Clinton joke. We can take it.

I heard it on the radio yesterday (Bob & Tom).

Bill's having a conference with a bunch of VIPs. Hilary's gone to the doctor for a medical check-up. The phone rings. It's Hilary, as mad as a wet hen.
"You stupid asshole! You son-of-a-bitch! I've just got back from the doctor and he tells me I'm pregnant. Pregnant, you hear me! You did this! You arrogant bastard! What am I going to do?"
Bill turns around, cups his voice over the phone and whispers, "Who is this?"

[TlalocW]

11. Jokes

What's brown and sticky?
A stick

What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.

What's brown and green, and if it falls out of a tree and lands on you will kill you?
A pool table.

It's time for everyone's favorite... Nun jokes!

A drunk is walking home at night and passes by the local nunnery. One of the nuns is outside gathering up some of the gardening tools she was using that day. The drunk starts running towards her and tackles her to the ground. He gets up, looks down at her and says, "Not so tough now, huh, Batman?"

Two nuns rent a tandem bicycle to ride around town. They make a wrong turn and go down an old cobblestone street. After a few moments of bouncing, one of the nuns says, "I've never come this way before."
The other nun replies, "Neither have I. It must be the cobblestones."

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out walking when they pass by three women sitting on a bench, all eating bananas. Holmes says good morning to them.
"Did you know those ladies," asks Watson.
"No, I didn't know the nun, the prostitute, or the recently married woman," replies Holmes.
"That's extraordinary, Holmes! How did you know who they were?" asks Watson.
"Elementary, my dear Watson," says Holmes. "I knew the one woman was a prostitute by the way she crudely shoved her banana all the way in her mouth. I knew one woman was a nun because she daintily broke off pieces of her banana to eat."
"How did you know the other woman was recently married?"
"She had her hand on the back of her head, pushing herself towards her banana."

TlalocW

[catmandu57]

18. Two nuns were walking through an alley

when a man jumped out of hiding and raped them.
Afterwards the nuns put their clothes back on gathered their dignity and walked on.
The first nun says " I don't mind being raped once but twice is a little too much".
The second nun say " You weren't raped twice".
The first nun says " I know, but we have to come back this way".

[AlGore-08.com]

12. A Smirk joke

Smirk dies and shows up at the Pearly Gates. "Wow, Heaven! I finally made it!" Smirk crows.

St. Peter comes up to Smirk and says "Actually, the Boss has changed our entrance policies lately. Instead of us deciding whether a soul goes to Heaven or Hell, the soul in question spends 24 hours in each place, and then decides for him or herself where they want to spend eternity."

"Why bother?" Smirk says, "I want to stay in Heaven."

"Sorry, it's the new rules," St. Peter smiles. "You'll spend the first 24 hours in Heaven."

So Smirk spends his first 24 hours in Heaven. It's really nice, just like everything you've ever heard about Heaven. Everybody's singing and playing harps and trumpets and it's just really... nice. The twenty four hours pass and St. Peter appears next to Smirk.

"So how'd you like it?" St. Peter asks.

"Oh, it was really nice. I don't think I need to even try Hell. I want to stay here."

"Sorry, it's the new rules," St. Peter smiles. "I'll see you in 24 hours."

So Smirk is instantly transported to Hell. To his surprise, it's not anything like you've ever heard about Hell. It looks like the best country club you could imagine, with this amazing golf course, and everybody is so happy! Satan turns out to be this really great guy, who invites Smirk to this amazing party. Everybody Smirk ever knew is at the party, and they're all so happy to see Smirk. But it's the party that's indescribable - - it has the best music, the best booze, and the best food - - much better than the food in heaven! - - and anything else you want, you get instantly!

The 24 hours in Hell passes much too quickly, and Smirk finds himself standing before St. Peter. "Well, where do you want to spend eternity?" he asks.

"Gosh, I'd never thought I'd say this, but I want to go to Hell," Smirk replies enthusiasticly.

"So be it," St. Peter smiles, and Smirk is instantly transported to Hell. Only now it's EXACTLY like everything you've ever heard about Hell - - it's endless, excruciating tortures, pain like you could never imagine. Smirk notices that one of the imps jabbing him with a pitch fork is Satan himself, and complains bitterly to him. "Hey, what kind of scam are you running here? This place is awful! But when I was here yesterday, it was wonderful! What gives??"

Satan shrugs, "Oh, that was during the campaign."

[catmandu57]

13. Jesus walks into a bar

Jesus walks into a bar orders a glass of water, turns it into wine then sits at the end of the bar sipping his wine.
In walks an irishman with a clubfoot, he asks the bartender "Isn't that the son o god ?".
The bartender says "yes".
So the irishman tells the bartender to give Jesus another of whatever he's drinking.
Meanwhile, in walks a hunchback, spots Jesus at the end of the bar and asks the bartender "Isn't that Jesus the son of God?"
The bartender affirms it and the hunchback orders a drink for Jesus.
Meanwhile, in walks a redneck sees Jesus at the end of the bar and asks the bartender " Isn't that God's boy down there ?"
The bartender say it is and the redneck says "Wha hell give em a brew"
When Jesus finished he went first to the clubfoot and touching him he says "For your kindness you are healed"
He then touched the hunchback and said "For your kindness, you are healed".
As he approached the redneck with his hand extended, the redneck jumped out of the way yelling " Get the hell away from me I'm on disability!

Now, before everyone flames me, I'm just telling the joke the way I heard it. I have no personal animosity towards irishmen, clubfoots. hunchbacks, hell even some rednecks are okay. I don't even have anything against jesus, it's just some of his followers I have problems with.

[mac56]

14. Another Smirk joke

In light of all the speculation about George W. Bush’s intelligence, the Republicans decide to hold a “Bush Is Smart” rally. Eighty thousand enthusiastic Republicans pack the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium, which features marching bands, military color guards, cheerleaders, drum squads, and prominent Republicans from across the country.

Dick Cheney kicks off the festivities by saying, “We are all here today to prove to the world that George W. Bush is a smart man. So, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce your President, George W. Bush.”

After the cheers die down and the marching band stops playing Cheney says, “Mr. President, we’re going to prove to the world once and for all that you are indeed smart. So tell us: what is fifteen plus fifteen?”

Bush scrunches up his face and concentrates real hard for a moment, and then declares, “Eighteen!”

Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. But not for long: soon the eighty thousand Republicans start chanting, “Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!”

Cheney says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting eighty thousand of you fine Republicans in one place, I guess we can do that.” He turns to Bush and asks, “What is five plus five?”

After nearly thirty seconds of chin rubbing and grimacing, Bush meekly asks, “Ninety?”

Cheney, quite perplexed, looks down and lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone in the stadium is just as disheartened.

But once again the eighty thousand Republicans begin to yell and wave their hands, shouting, “Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!”

Cheney, in a sweat and not sure whether he’s doing more harm than good, says, “OK! OK! Just one more chance -- What is two plus two?”

Bush looks down, counts on his fingers, and after a whole minute proudly announces, “Four.”

There’s a moment of total silence. Then an electric charge surges through the stadium as pandemonium breaks out.

All eighty thousand Republicans jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet, and create a deafening roar:

“GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE!”

[Terwilliger]

15. Two peanuts walk into a rowdy bar...

one was asalted

[Bridget Burke]

16. How about Irish cyber-humor?

P45.net has a huge index of jokes in many categories. Here's a rather weird example:

Economists And Lightbulbs (Surreal)

Conversation between two Dinosaurs...
Dinosaur #1: "How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
Dinosaur #2: "What's an economist?"
Dinosaur #1: "A spoofy mathematician who tries to predict the population of kangaroos in Australia. But that's not important and don't ask what a kangaroo is."
Dinosaur #2: "I don't know, how many?"
Dinosaur #1: "10 economists and one postgrad student. One economist to make a model, one to run the regression, one to test the hypothesis, one to interpret the results, one to conclude how to screw it on, one postgrad student to actually screw it on, and five economists to fight off the dinosaurs trying to eat them.

***********************

www.p45.net/jokes/index.shtml

They're upgrading the site, but the joke index still works.

[NightTrain]

17. OK, here's one....

What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?
"Hop in!"