Best George W. Bush jokes you've ever heard

[WilliamPitt]

Cabinet and Sub-Cabinet-member jokes also allowed.

===

George W. Bush is out jogging one morning and notices a little boy on the corner with a box.

Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in the box kid?"

The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

George W. laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Republicans," the child says.

"Oh that's cute," George W. says and he runs off.

A couple of days later George is running with his buddy Dick Cheney and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead.

George W. says to Dick, "You gotta check this out" and they both jog over to the boy with the box.

George W. says, "Look in the box Dick, isn't that cute? Look at those little kittens.

Hey kid tell my friend Dick what kind of kittens they are."

The boy replies, "They're Democrats."

"Whoa!", George W. says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Republicans. What's up?"

"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."

[IADEMO2004]

1. Brain transplant

For national Security the Secret Service had W and fashion model Claudia Schiffer switch brains... Bush has Schiffer brains.

[Paragon]

2. Bit off-topic: What's the difference between Limbaugh & the Hindenberg?

One's a exploding gasbag, and the other's a zeppelin.

[jmowreader]

3. Bush crossing the desert

Sometime in 2005 the National Geographic Society hired Dubya, Tom DeLay and Pigboy to cross the Sahara Desert on foot. Said the director of the Society, "all your needs are being taken care of. You can take two hours to gather any personal effects you'll want."

The first to come back is Pigboy, who's got fifteen cases of OxyContin. "It's going to be stressful out there with no Democrats to lie about, so I'll need a few Oxys."

DeLay is next, and he's got a 55-gallon drum of DDT. "There are a lot of bugs in the desert, so I'll need a little bit of insecticide."

Last is Bush, who has a car door on a hand truck. "It's really hot in the desert, and I'll need to be able to roll the window down."

[TheWizardOfMudd]

4. Little Johnny

A 2nd grade teacher in Texas, who is a big Bush supporter, asks her class one day if they are all Bush fans. Well, most of them don't really know a thing about politics, but all except Johnny raise their hands, because they want the teacher to like them.

She says "Johnny, why on Earth aren't you a Bush fan??"

Johnny answers, "Well, I'm a Kerry fan."

She asks him why he supports Kerry, and he says "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan and my Dad's a Kerry fan."

"Johnny," she says, "You have to learn to think for yourself sometimes. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron?"

"Well, teacher," replied Johnny, "In that case, I would probably be a Bush fan."

[frogbison]

7. heh heh heh

this is a lot of fun! I wish I had one for you guys, but my best joke is very old and has nothing to do with GW Bush. He might have only been a gleeam in his poppa's eye at the time....

Not that I'm ninety or anything. The joke's not THAT old!

[SOteric]

5. After the recent tumble Bush took from the bicycle,

a Fundy Freeper defended the Commander in Grief and waxed eloquent on his many virtues. In reply, on wag quipped: If you're so sure George W. Bush walks on water, - can you explain to me why he's unable to stand on dry land?

[Beaverhausen]

6. Bush Clock

Clocks in Heaven

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[TheWizardOfMudd]

8. From Television

The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News." —Craig Kilborn

"The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In one of the commercials, you see George Bush for thirty seconds. In another commercial, you get to see George Bush for sixty seconds — kind of like his stint in the National Guard." —David Letterman

"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for President Bush it's different — his magic number is 5. That's the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win." —Jay Leno

"There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and was arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into the White House unlawfully since…President Bush." —David Letterman

"Some sad news, President Bush's lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn't even know Tony Blair was sick?" —Jay Leno

"The Democrats say that President Bush doesn't have an exit strategy for Iraq. Of course he does. If things don't go well, he exits in November." —Jay Leno

"It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That's amazing and not only that, but it looks like he'll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd." —David Letterman

"A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month." —Jay Leno

"There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that's the first new job he's created since taking office." —David Letterman

"President Bush is now focusing on jobs. I think the one job he's focusing most on is his own. The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they were off by roughly 2.6 million jobs." —Jay Leno

"In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there." —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." —Jay Leno

"It was reported in the paper that President Bush received a 'warm reception' from the Daytona 500 drivers. Well sure, the drivers had never met anyone who was sponsored by more oil companies than they were." —Jay Leno

"In his annual economic report to Congress President Bush said that the transfer of American jobs overseas is actually part of a positive transformation that will enrich the U.S. economy over time. So basically, losing your job to someone else can be a good thing. Of course we'll see how he feels about that in November." —Jay Leno

"In a new poll, 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of Iraq's missile threat. Hey, he's a guy." —Craig Kilborn

"Political analysts say that President Bush's re-election strategy is to try and convince Americans that he's a war president. I don't get that, do you think that'll work? I mean, don't you think that if he tries to convince the American people that we need a war president, isn't he afraid that they're going to vote for the guy that was actually in a war?" —Jay Leno

"The White House has finally found one guy that kinda remembers serving with President Bush in the National Guard. Now they just need to find someone who remembers Bush working on an economic plan. ... I think the White House spent more money looking for this guy than finding weapons of mass destruction." —Jay Leno

"The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election." —Jay Leno

"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots." —David Letterman

"There's this huge controversy over the fact that President Bush apparently received credit for National Guard service in Alabama in '72 and '73 even though his commanding officers are saying he never reported. I think what's even more disturbing is that he received enough credits to graduate from Yale." —Jay Leno

"Bush did have an explanation. He said he did go to Alabama but when he didn't find weapons of mass destruction, he went back to Texas." —Jay Leno

"As John Kerry sails toward the Democratic nomination, new questions are emerging about President Bush's service in the National Guard, like where he was for six months in 1972 and why he refused to take a routine physical. President Bush has vowed to get to the bottom of this right after Election Day." —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush stopped off at a bass pro fishing store to pick up a fishing reel, some line and some rubber worms. He's going to disappear and go fishing. So he must think he's back in the National Guard." —Jay Leno

"President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said, I may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one." —Craig Kilborn

"The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The White House said, 'no no,' that they have payroll records to show that he served in the National Guard. But today, the commanding officers can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72. President Bush said, 'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy. Remember me?'" —Jay Leno

"President Bush is in the hot seat over Iraqi pre-war intelligence. Remember the good ol' days when the only thing the president was trying to cover up was a stain?" —Craig Kilborn

"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh, you mean like last time?'" —Jay Leno

"They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in Iraq. It is a seven person panel and it will include Senator John McCain, but the findings from this panel will not be issued until after the election. President Bush says the commission can go off and report back in a year, you know, the same way it works in the Texas National Guard." —Bill Maher

"Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them disappear without a trial." —Bill Maher

"New Rule: If everybody was wrong about the weapons of mass destruction, then somebody has to say, 'My bad.' ... For some reason, the two words this president just can't seem to say are 'sorry' and 'nuclear.' Something is terribly wrong when the only person who has been fired over terrorism is me." —Bill Maher

"Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry." —Craig Kilborn

"If there was one lesson to be drawn from Bush's appearance (on 'Meet the Press') it's that he doesn't have to be forthcoming or honest. And he's the first to tell you why. Bush 'I'm a war president.' He added: 'I guess I should have told you that back in 2000.'" —Jon Stewart

"One critic in the L.A. Times said John Kerry looks like he is thinking too much. Well this is one place President Bush has him beat." —Jay Leno

"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign appearance with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him." —Conan O'Brien

"President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has two parts: smoke and mirrors." —Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating is now down under 50 percent. So now what he's going to have to do is let Saddam go so we can capture him again." —David Letterman

"This Iraqi intelligence scandal is growing. Americans are asking, 'What did President Bush not know?' and 'When did he mispronounce it?'" —Craig Kilborn

"Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it should have been. We knew that when we elected him!" —Jay Leno

"It's weird watching President Bush struggle with excuses for why we went to war. As he struggles, it reminds us all what a terrific liar Bill Clinton really was." —Craig Kilborn

"Oscar nominations came out today. Up for best actor, Sean Penn for 'Mystic River,' Jude Law for 'Cold Mountain,' and of course, George W. Bush for 'Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction.'" —Jay Leno

"A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace." —Jay Leno

"As you know President Bush gave his State of the Union Address, interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words." —Jay Leno

"President Bush said that our kids must be taught how to read. He said if his aides never learned to read, they'd never be able to tell him what's in the newspapers every day." —Jay Leno

"President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're going to need are Spanish, Chinese, Korean, because that's where the jobs went. Who better than Bush as an example of what can happen when you take a job without any training." —Jay Leno

"President Bush gave his State of the Union speech. I think he is getting a little cocky. Instead of playing Hail to the Chief, he was lowered to the podium to 'We are the Champions.'" —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush announced a major new plan for the United States to put a man on the moon, which would be a really big story if this were 1962. Bush said he didn't remember anything about the 60's — I guess he wasn't lying." —Jay Leno

"President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth." —Jon Stewart

"President Bush announced a billion dollar mission to the moon and Mars. He came up with a snappy new slogan — to drill where no man has drilled before." —Craig Kilborn

"President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again." —David Letterman

[russian33]

9. a Cheney joke I really like...

Vice President Cheney was visiting a third-grade class, and answering questions.

Billy raised his hand, and said, "I have a three-part question. First, where are the weapons of mass destruction? Second, why does Halliburton get all the business in Iraq? Third, how much will the new Medicare bill cost?"

Suddenly, the recess bell rang, and all the kids went outside to play.

After recess, and back in the classroom, Tommy raised his hand, and said to VP Cheney, "I have a five-part question. First, where are the weapons of mass destruction? Second, why does Halliburton get all the business in Iraq? Third, how much will the new Medicare bill cost? Fourth, why did the recess bell ring thirty minutes early today, and fifth, what happened to little Billy?"

and a Bush joke...

George W. Bush decided to take his fancy hot air balloon out for a ride. After soaring over the country side for an hour he realized he was lost.
He reduced altitude after spotting a young girl on a farm below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Hey little girl, can you help me? I
promised a friend an hour ago I would meet him, but I don't know where I am."
The young girl replied, "You are in a hot air balloon over my daddy's corn field making racket and scaring the chickens!"
"Your daddy must be a Democrat," said the balloonist.
"He is," said the girl, "but how did you know that?"
"Well," answered Bush, "everything you told me is technically
correct, but I still have no idea what to make of your information, and
the fact is I am still lost. Little girl, you've not been much help."
The girl below responded, "You must be a Repubican."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the girl, " You're way up there, full of hot air looking down on the world, you don't know where you're at and you don't know where you're going. You promised something to somebody you can't keep and you were in this spot before we met but some how it's all my fault.ut