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Edited on Thu Jul-31-03 02:10 PM by JackSwift
Exclusive to World News Weekly
SAN FRANCISCO
By Jack Swift with Oscar Wilde
The Catholic Church announced today that although it is campaigning against gay marriage, it did consider the institution of marriage to be sacred, and that no gay married couple could have a divorce recognized by the church without special permission of the Vatican, which was having each gay divorce considered by a special panel of priests who were experienced in the administration of gay Catholic matters.
Cardinal Bernard Law, recently reassigned from the Boston Archdiocese was heading the commission. Cardinal Law, when reached for comment, stated that even though pre-marital gay sex and in fact gay marriage were "prohibited by the church" that gay divorce was still a matter for church approval for gay Catholics.
Law's commission will approve gay divorces only in cases where at least one of the gay partners are reassigned to a new parish so that potential new gay spouses will not know that the gay Catholic has been previously a gay spouse. "My experience in reassigning criminal priests and obstructing criminal investigations gives me wide lattitude in condemning this non-criminal activity, while at the same time trying to make a buck for the church off of it." The World News Weekly, which initially broke this story, is still trying to find a devout gay Catholic married couple to comment on this story. While we have been able to find many gay married Catholics, none were a couple with each other, which doesn't violate any rules of the Catholic Church, but kinda isn't who we are looking for to comment.
The Catholic Church, recently beset by complaints from upppity American parishoners that dozens of their priests were raping their children, apparently did not see any irony or hypocrisy is launching this drive against gay divorces or marriages in the midst of the priest raping crisis. "Mistakes were made, but we have absolved ourselves, and that matter is closed," said Law. "We are, of course, understandably upset about gay marriages, as married people cannot be Priests," he said.
Noted American gay activist, Catholic and conservative writer Andrew Sullivan was reached for comment: "The Vatican is absolutely right. Even though the Church hierarchy is queerer than the Liza Minelli David Gest marriage, it is the prohibited and closeted nature of the whole thing that makes illicit sex with a confused priest so earth shatteringly exciting. I would never want to let the air out of that dynamic by just having everyone admit they were queer and could do what they want and it would all be cool. I mean, where's the fun in that?"
Law, when questioned about whether the Minelli/Gest divorce would have to be approved noted: "Technically, since Minelli is only a gay icon, but really a woman, it is not a gay marriage and doesn't fall in my jurisdiction. I believe that Michael Jackson, as the best man at the wedding and who dresses more bizarrely than even the Pope, gets to approve of that divorce."
Sullivan excitedly volunteered: "Ann Coulter is a she-male. I got under her dress one night, and she has a huge penis. I'm hoping for a one night stand. If it doesn't happen soon, I'm going to stop pretending to be a conservative." Ann Coulter was unavailable for comment, which is a page one story all by itself.
Legal disclaimer for conservative readers: Please be advised that the above is satire.
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