Apocalypse Saturday

[IDemo]

And you think you got tribulations now

Bill Cope
Boise Weekly

Eight years ago, almost to the day, I announced that should the End Times happen within eight years, I would toss my atheist ways like a worn-out Mr. Coffee and convert to Christianity (BW, Opinion, "Apocalypse Now ... or When for Christ's Sake?," May 14, 2003). And not just any old Christianity, either. I promised to join up with one of those super-hillbilly sects that still believes the world was created a few thousand years ago, that the dinosaurs, saber-toothed tigers and mastodons died out during Noah's Flood without making enough of an impression to get a mention in the Bible, and that God, Himself, told George W. Bush to run for president.

However, my part of the bargain depended on the Rapture and all that Armageddon blah, blah, blah coming to pass in the time allotted. The flip side of the arrangement was, if it didn't come to pass--meaning, if after eight years, we were still sitting around waiting for the End of Days like a bunch of sophomores praying for a prom date--then all the preachers would have to quit preaching about it. My exact words were, "So, Misters Ministers, do we have a deal? Eight years to either put up or shut up, and if the world doesn't end, you find yourselves a new line of work and never, ever talk about it again. Even the Boy Who Cried Wolf had the sense to give it up after the third false alarm. And you guys have been false alarming us for hundreds of years."

I decided upon that particular topic at that particular time because, as you might recall, eight years ago, people were grabbing up those "End Times" books like they were how-to guides on getting a condo in heaven. It was also close enough to 9/11 that many Americans were still seeing that horrid event as an omen, complete with images of Satan hiding in the smoke billowing out of the twin towers. (I went with the eight years because the Chunnel had just been completed after eight years of construction, and I reasoned that if puny human endeavor could accomplish such a wondrous feat as a tunnel under the English Channel, then given the same time frame, surely God could wrap this thing up once and for all, if that were really His intention.)

I have never forgotten the promise I made, even after eight years, though I had about decided my chances of having to make good on it diminished with every passing, un-Rapturey day. Which was quite a relief, frankly. To tell you the truth, I was not looking forward to losing my Sunday mornings listening to some guy in a green suit sermonize on the Southern Pentagelical Fundacostal Evanmentalist Heebee Jeebees while I waved my arms in the air like some drunken football ref trying to catch a cab, all while outside, the world was being snuffed in a cataclysm of fire and barbecued sinners.

http://www.boiseweekly.com/boise/apocalypse-saturday/Content?oid=2252117

[Zoeisright]

1. Excellent column.

There sure are a lot of fools living in this country.

[jaysunb]

2. An astute observation on your part.

:rofl:

[Zoeisright]

11. Gee. Do you think you're funny?

Hardly.

[jaysunb]

12. Actually, I was agreeing whole heartedly w/ you.

:shrug:

[bjobotts]

3. Why should God DO anything, He's God. Is there something he forgot or needs or changing his mind?

[bjobotts]

4. Whatever God was gonna do he's already done it and it doesn't include our egos

[bjobotts]

5. Tap in to what is with your transmiter receiver brain which directs the nature of being.

[Fuddnik]

6. Well, I'm planning a looting party for 6:30pm Saturday.

That guy sez the rapture will happen at 6:00.

Gotta get all the loot, as soon as the rapturees are gone, to get the good stuff. I need a new car too. Anybody know a fundie with a Porsche? I'll camp outside his house.

[SkyDaddy7]

7. There is already a big Post Rapture Looting Party Planned!

https://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=121968371215699

I think they are going to get an early start! LOL!

[Yon_Yonson]

8. A few years back I gave up drinking Leinenkugels beer

I shall head for the liquor store today and stock up because I sure don’t want to miss out on a good party. Usually when bad storms or championship football games are upon us there is a run at the grocery store. Everything seems normal where we buy our bites? Maybe the word is not out!

[ehrnst]

9. I'll finally be able to get a table at IHOP on Sunday morning. (nt)

[PATRICK]

10. "You know neither the day nor the hour"

One of the many clear and perpetually pertinent strong sayings that leaves such matters to God. The shrug here is that one must always be prepared, whether you are the drama target of a Rhode Island sized asteroid or a skidding truck. The Rapture thingee that temporarily enthused Paul of Tarsus pales to the harm caused by the enthusiasts in the time before.
It became fairly clear for the first and second generation Christians that most Christians not only would die but also would suffer the Founder's fate. The potential exclusion from the end times arena for ringside seats spawned the lowest of human reactions. Glee, spite, vengefulness, alienation from life's(and religion's) social responsibilities, heedless of warnings against titillating privileged knowledge.

The last expressions of end times victory were summed up in Revelations which at least poetically affirmed the primacy of God. In all its actual coded signs and predictions it did note the contemporary collapse of society according to its own times- but no end times cigar. Pretty much so far all times are trouble. The winner may be in sight but that the cozy whiners of American Fundamentalism have a blasphemously arrogant claim on Rapture claim is pretty pathetic even for humanity's self genocidal best efforts.

The Chicken Littles of false prophet Christianity.

Regardless of whether you are Christian or not, this is as Biblically phony as it is silly.