Why Interracial Love Is Still Hard

[marmar]

from Sirens Mag., via AlterNEt:




Why Interracial Love Is Still Hard

By Heather Wood, Sirens Magazine. Posted March 21, 2008.

Interracial relationships are more common now than in, say, 1950, but the pressure on today's mixed couple is still very real.



The miscegenation of our society may seem to be growing at a steady rate based on how often we've been talking about race lately. But let's not kid ourselves. Interracial relationships represent approximately seven percent of couples in the country, which is incredible progress considering they represented just .07 percent in 1960. But for our ever-diversifying nation, these are alarmingly low figures. For the most part, everyone is still sticking to their "own kind." Is this intentional segregation or just cultural tradition? Could be both. But one thing remains certain: Every interracial couple entering into a serious relationship knows what struggles lie ahead. Maybe that 93 percent would just rather avoid them.

I can't say I blame them. I'm white, and I lead a very happy life with my black husband. Our families love us and our friends are accepting. Of course it helps that we live in Los Angeles, a big city that's had a longer time to get used to multiculturalism and interracial couples than most. Still, we experience little daily reminders of just how far we have yet to go to reach complete acceptance in this country -- a raised eyebrow here, a snarky comment there, just enough to remind us that we're still discriminated against. And we've got it easy compared to most: Had we been born at different times and in different states, we'd never have had a chance.

It was only 40 years ago -- on June 12, 1967 -- that the U.S. Supreme Court knocked down a Virginia statute barring whites from marrying non-whites. The Loving v. Virginia ruling also overturned similar bans in 15 other states. This was the same year that Hollywood released Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?, a comedy based on a white couple's inability to accept their daughter's black fiancé. The film was considered both groundbreaking and controversial.

Bob Jones University in South Carolina only dropped its ban on interracial dating in 2000; a year later 40 percent of voters objected when Alabama became the last state to remove a ban on interracial marriages from its constitution. So, yes, we've still got some work to do.

One of the hardest struggles for interracial couples is the fact that the topic itself is still one of the most debated "taboos" in our country -- a country that, at its heart, is still very nervous about the idea of races, cultures, and classes mixing. (Consider ongoing immigration debates, an imbalanced criminal justice system, and the fact that we can't stop obsessing about the degree of blackness of our mixed-race presidential candidate.) .....(more)

The complete piece is at: http://www.alternet.org/sex/80438/

[YOY]

1. I saw a film on this recently...very moving.

An interracial couple was struggling do deal with some really hard issues in a really tight situation... They did seem to be making the best of it!

:evilgrin:

[mac2]

2. Interracial marriages are the choice of adults.

The children don't have that choice. In every society that can be a problem. That's my only objection.

When you think of it genetics is better for it. I had a friend whose father moved from his area to marry because he claimed there was too much inter-marriages of cousins, etc. As Americans our culture allows for that mix.

I bet there are few Afro-Americans in our country who don't have Anglo or American Indian blood. Some a mix of both.

There are few countries in the world who are pure anything resulting from invasions and wars, flow to their area for jobs and wealth, etc. I once had a small book that showed the move of various peoples to other parts of the world...even from ancient times.

[Warpy]

3. Mixed couples are still unusual so people will stare.

I say give everybody 5 minutes to get used to the idea. Most will. The few who don't, well, that's their problem and not yours.

[mac2]

4. You are right....

they hate anyone who is different. It rocks their world a bit.

[juno jones]

5. I am white, my second husband was black.

We didn't encounter TOO much weirdness- we lived in the bay area and later, seattle- but we had a few strange incidents.

One day, as we stood waiting for a bus in Seattle, a cop pulled up next to us in his cruiser. He rolled down his window and yelled at my husband to 'take his colors off!'. We looked at each other in confusion. Let me interject at this point that we were what you would call 'punks' in those heady days of Seattle grunge and both worked as cooks in pioneer square which is where we were coming back from on the bus. Not really gangbanger stereotypes at all. After a few more minutes of the policeman yelling and threatening to get out of the car we realized that he was referring to the red bandanna that my husband wore habitually to protect his hair while hovering over the grills. I was wearing an identical bandanna but the cop didn't say word one to me, he was fixated on my husband. As soon as he figured out what the guy meant by 'colors', S. removed the offending scarf and the ass drove away, probably thinking that he had successfully defused some gang activity or another. Of course, when we were out of sight, S. put it back on. During this whole exchange, the cop never said word one to me, even though I had on nearly identical clothing and was standing right next to my husband.

I still marvel at that exchange. I guess I got to see racial prejudice and white privilege in action all at the same time.

[selador]

6. i have responded

more than once to incidents of people who got their asses kicked because they were wearing colors, not even having a clue whatsoever that they were.

iow, if you are in certain neighborhoods and wear certain colors, prominently displayed, especially with certain clothing items, there is a good chance you will get attacked.

that's the reality.

it's kind of sad, but it's true that people DO get attacked in many cases unwittingly because of wearing colors

[juno jones]

9. But we weren't in such a place.

Working class mixed neighborhood right off downtown Seattle toward Queen Anne. I could have seen it if we'd been near sea-tac. And the fact that I was allowed to go on wearing nearly identical clothing (which was in no way gang related- gang boys in those days wore fila sweats not torn jeans and 'Charlie Don't Surf' T-shirts)without hassle told me something else was up. We didn't look like bangers, in fact the bangers we did see pretty much ignored us. Unlike the policeman, they knew we weren't part of their thing. Granted, this was twenty years or so ago and no doubt things were far more bucolic in those days.

The thing is the cop gave my husband no benefit of the doubt he said 'take off your colors' not, 'sir, there is a problem with people getting shot whilst wearing such items and for your safety I request you remove it.' He even threatened to get out of the car and arrest my husband if he didn't comply. The cop was an ass, sorry.
edit for sp.

[selador]

11. yes

i wasn't aware what particular neighborhood you were in.

and i agree the cop sounded like an ass.

i was agreeing that wearing colors (even unwittingly) can be dangerous.

[classysassy]

7. The military

My wife and I,live near a military base where their are more mixed marriages than most other areas of the country.There are still some of the older people that give us that look,when they do I usually smile and say hello if they are close enough.They will usually will return my smile.

[Indenturedebtor]

8. Good read thanks

My wife is half Chinese and we get some pretty funny stuff sometimes.

"So where is your wife really from? No but really where is she from?" This is the most common. It's as though people are shocked that Asian-Americans are just that. Highly offensive.

"Oh so you're into Asian Girls huh?" Yes, I married my wife because I have a fetish for Kung-Fu movies and General Tso's Chicken. Dipshits.

"I hear that Asian girls are really meek and helpful around the house." Or some such variety. Disgusting on many levels.

Of course America isn't the only place with idiots. When we were travelling in Asia some people (especially Euros) assumed that she was a prostitute. Infuriating.

And of course it's always a great time taking her to Synogogue with me. That's the gift that just keeps on giving.

She gets to have some fun sometimes too though! As she hasn't changed her name yet people have absolutely NO WAY to know that she's married a Jew. She gets to hear all sorts of lovely bigoted stuff all the time! WOOOOHOOOOO :bounce:

[TlalocW]

12. I've been on a trainwreck of a listserve for about 10 years

One that's for men looking to marry Latin Women. I will admit to being "into" Latin women, which is how I discovered this thing back in grad school. I've been on it for so long because it is a trainwreck. One that you can't help but look at and stare unbelievingly at. These guys practice bizarro-racism much like the "Asian girls are really meek" comment above. The typical subscriber is in his mid to late 40s or older, has several divorces under his belt, is incredibly bitter about American women/feminism/some combination, and thinks that he's going to go to Latin America and find a submissive, supermodel-esque Latina in her 20s to marry him.

I've stayed partly because the moderator has asked me because I'm often the (sarcastic) voice of reason who says things that he can't because he wants to try and be neutral.

TlalocW

[notadmblnd]

10. hmmm. Outside of family, we never had issues

the women in his family were the worst. Said and did what they did behind our backs. My mother was vocal with her "what will people think?" remarks and her racist husband. It finally came down to me telling them that when "other people" paid my bills, that they might then have a say or an effect on my decisions. Over time, I think they came to love my husband more than me. At his funeral, my family grieved the loss as one of our own. Other than one sister in-law, We've had no contact with his family since.

When it came to our home, neighborhood, jobs or the public, we were either oblivious or the disapproval just wasn't happening. Perhaps we just looked too mean to mess with? The outpouring of love and support from our neighbors (we've lived in the same community for 20 years) at times, still overwhelms me.

Our son, soon to be 15, has the same charm his father possessed. Only once when he was little, did a stranger come up to me and ask what he was. My reply was, "he's a little boy." The person went on to explain about their experience and why they had asked. Depending on what time of year it is my son can pass for White, Hispanic, Black or Arab. We live in a diverse area and he has always been accepted by all. In fact, this past summer he got his first part time job working landscaping with a crew of Hispanics and since he was the only one fluent in English, the people he worked for also used him as their interpretor. The only problem was, he doesn't speak fluent Spanish.

Being the only boy in the family, his grandparents adore him. Grandpa takes him to the Sportsmen's Club, and is teaching him to hunt (now there's a white man's sport if ever there was one), and he recently skinned his first rabbit. Grandma, dotes on him like a baby still, while she runs my sisters' girls ragged by having them do little "favors" for Grandma. I've talked to her about the preferential treatment she gives him but she's getting old and doesn't listen anymore.

He's been getting chased by girls since he was in the 5th grade and they've been a multitude of colors shapes and sizes. Currently there are 3 vying for his attentions. Paige, a very beautiful white girl on the heavy side with an image problem. He's probably the closest to her. He says she's very needy. Then there's Tiffany, a tall skinny, goth looking young lady who he's going to volunteer at the hospital with, and Julia, I haven't met her, but he tells me she talks too much. In the past, there's been Kerris, Charumati, Chantell and Samantha. and it amazes me that he stays friends with these girls even after the aren't "going out" (I put 'going out' in quotes because that seems to be the term teens use these days when they've determined they like each other) anymore. He's never had a problem with another boy (other than his best friend Cedric). He gets along with the "cool" kids and is a defender of "geeks". He's a big kid, 6ft #180, he sits with them at lunch and makes sure they don't get bullied. His teachers think well of him, he's mentored at the elementary school and has received recognition from the city, county and state for an act of heroism.

I know I got off on a rant, but I guess what I'm trying to say is, that I believe that it is more of an environment issue when it comes to being accepted and what people think you will tolerate from them. As far as the interracial offspring goes.. I think if you expose them to diversity, be honest with them and talk to them about how despicable human beings can treat each other, along with nurture and support from family and community, and most importantly of all set an example for them, that they'll turn out pretty well adjusted, self confident contributing members of society.

[NikolaC]

14. I Agree

My first husband was German and Jewish. He passed away at the age of 40 five years ago in April, but he left me with our beautiful then 2 year old son. My family adored my first husband and, even though his parents were bigots in a big way (mostly my mother in law) they grew to be kind and loving towards me and our son. My father in-law was a sweet and caring man who wanted me to call him Dad since my father had passed away years before. In the end, they passed away a year after my husband did and a month apart from each other. Unfortunately, that change of heart did not extend to my then sister in-law and her husband who is a racist of the highest order. At their funerals in Arizona their guests were nothing but kind to my son and I, but then I still got comments to the effect that I was "one of the good ones" and "good people". I swear some people are born with a perpetual foot in their mouths born out of complete and utter ignorance.

I am trying to raise my son to appreciate all of the cultures that are a part of his family history. Even though it is hard we also tell him about the other side of things. The truth about the fact that the world has not advanced far enough quite yet because there are those that will continue to hate a person for the color of their skin, their religion, socio-economic status, any reason under the sun. We hope to instill some sense of fairness and open mindedness in him and are hoping that he will carry those lessons on into adulthood. That is how his father was, in spite of the way that he grew up.

[NikolaC]

13. It Is Indeed A Problem Still

Not as much as before I am sure. My husband is a Canadian of Scottish and British descent. I am African American with Portuguese and Scottish great grandfathers. My son is half Jewish and a beautiful and precocious little boy. My husband's youngest brother married a Colombian woman and, recently, his middle brother became engaged to a Vietnamese woman (a bit to my in-laws chagrin, though they acted like it was good news). I remember a few months ago when talking to my in-laws I predicted the engagement and was happy at the thought because I liked them both a lot, my father and mother in-law looked alarmed and said, "lets not rush it", they had been dating about 2 years at that point.

When my husband and I go out in VA, we are left alone for the most part, the same cannot be said for the town where we are residing here in Ontario. We have gotten the stares, snickers and outright rude behavior. That is not to say that we don't encounter that kind of behavior when we go to VA, actually some of the outward negative behavior have come from other African Americans, but those incidents are few and far between, unlike where we are living currently. We have decided to move back to VA to be closer to my family who are very loving, accepting and caring people and they love my husband. We know that, for all of the talk about how much as a society we have advanced with race relations, we are still FAR behind where we need to be. The recent Wright flap and the reactions from those who claim to be "open minded" are more than enough proof of that.

I often find it sad that some miss out on what may be their "soul mates" or "true loves" because of fear and an inability to see past the color of a person's skin. Why can a person not be every bit as intelligent, beautiful, funny, caring, giving, sexy or loving as you just because they do not share the same skin color, culture or heritage? I find that incredibly sad.