A friend of mine wrote this the other day and I thought it was hysterically funny
and he has allowed me to share it with Democratic Underground. Enjoy!
It just struck my funny bone! :rofl:
"Ran out of coffee sweetener- a culinary review essay"
Written by Sensi
I've been to the grocery store twice, without a list obviously, and twice I forgot to buy any sweetener. I like the little blue packets; pinching the very bottom so it's not too toxic, but having grown accustom to the sweet taste of the carcinogens in aspertame the taste of real sugar now corrupts my coffee drinking experience.
The little blue packets ran out yet I had a pile of packet shells on the counter that contained the little pinch I saved before. Like a crackhead scraping his pipe to savor one more hit of rock from the resin left behind I gathered the packets and one- by- one began emptying the pinches into my cup. "How many pinches do I need", I asked myself knowing that too many pinches would taste worse than sugar and cause me to gag. "Six will do" I said to myself and six was the rule until the little blue packet carcases ran out.
"Now what!" I shouted as I went to fill my cup seeing no more little blue packet carcases on the counter. "Ah- ha!" I cried, "I have sugar!" I grabbed the sugar container and as I grabbed the spoon I thought of the gag taste of too much sugar and began calculations in my head as to how much sugar would simulate the taste of my aspertame. Too much sugar would ruin the coffee and I only had one more cup made if this were made unpalatable. "One, 3/4 scoop will do", I said and it was just enough.
I had to pinch my nose as I drank because the sugar left a different aftertaste on my tongue; naturally toxic and abound in calories and sipped it quickly over my tongue as to not taste the stench of refined nature corrupting my cup of joe. The sugar ran out days later but alas! There's more in the pantry! Then that sugar ran out and there was no more.
It was an early morning I awoke yearning for my fix. Half- sleepy-eyed I loaded the machine as so many mornings before and went and sat down to smoke a cigarette as my fix was cooked. As the trumpets of angels sound I heard the bubbling and belching of the machine and knew my fix was at hand! I approached the counter and poured my highly- flammable non-dairy creamer into my cup and reached for an empty sugar container and it was if someone stepped over my grave.
Half terrified in a fit of turrets- cursing everything from the tiles on the floor to the dogs on the couch I flung the pantry door open and began throwing objects around searching for something to sweeten my coffee. "Will brown sugar work? How about honey?" I thought to myself as the monkey on my back began tearing out my soul, devouring it in moments as I contemplated an alternative sweetener. As if in the process of diffusing a bomb, nervously sweating filled with anxiety, my heart beat rapidly as using honey began to seem more logical.
As I reached for the honey it was if a bright flash directed my eye towards the corner of the shelf to an object behind the box of green tea that seemed as if it was breathing and calling me near. Curious as to what was behind the green tea I reached in with all of the care of handling a poisonous snake and grasped it swiftly. "Ah Ha!", I shouted full of glee, "It's cookie sprinkles!!!"
I sprang to the counter with sprinkles in hand and threw open the top then stopped suddenly as if I had stepped on a land mine. "How many shakes of sprinkes do I need?" I asked myself because no man had yet dare to use cookie sprinkles in coffee. For a moment, I grasped the magnitude of being the Neil Armstrong of "sprinkle coffee" and again terror came over me. I shuttered for a second as the monkey took control of my hands and began shaking sprinkles into my cup. "Stop!" I shouted, "Stop!", I shouted again but my hand kept shaking sprinkles until all of the sudden it stopped.
Soaked in sweat dripping from my teeth, I could hardly hold the cup under the machine to fill it and as the cup was filled I too was filled with doubt. "The sprinkles aren't melting!" I shouted, "They're sticking to the rim of my cup!" Then the monkey took over and forced the cup to my quivvering lips and screamed, "DRINK!"
I began drinking and couldn't stop. My belly was now sweating furiously from the heat of my liquid fix until the wax coating of one of the unmelted sprinkles was lodged at the back of my tongue causing me to gag and then vomit my precious fix into the sink next to the machine. Ashes to ashes I suppose.
The moral of this story is this- make a grocery list.
"True story with some exaggerations--- I don't even think God knows what prompted me to write this."~~Sensi~~
:rofl:
Edited for spelling typo
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