By John Russell
"I can say you were made a nice guy because you were severely bullied and unpopular in school, that you suffer from post traumatic stress disorder, alcoholic parents, a wounded inner child, absence of a "risk taking gene", raised too near magnetic field of high voltage line, have repressed memories of aliens giving you the anal probe, or your parents raised you according to Dr. Spock, etc. .
That wouldn't help you, it would just help you to feel helpless.
The niceguy is continually made in the present, forget the past. Your actions can change when your beliefs change, you can change who you are, in the present, from moment to moment.
Is it permanent change? no. You may have to challenge those beliefs defining you as a Niceguy every day of your life. When you neglect to do this you slip, as I myself have recently done. Don't expect a catharsis, don't expect that a few good months means you won't slip back into old patterns. How many alcoholics can go back to drinking in moderation and not get sucked right back in?
There aren't any easy answers, lets look at this insidious paradigm.
Being the "nice-guy" is needing others for validation, an inability to validate yourself, and nothing else. Without realizing it, you place yourself in an adversarial position with people when you do not need to be, even if it seems like the quest for a pat on the back isn't so bad...it is... And I'll explain:
First of all, when you do get the praise, it isn't ever enough. You know this, don't you? Some of you who call yourself "nice-guys" get appreciation, praise, and professional recognition on a fairly regular basis. It feels good for the moment, and then you are alone again and you do not know what to do with yourself. Perhaps you forget the people who appreciated you and dwell on the people who you can't get appreciation from. If everyone in the world you encountered told you that you were wonderful, validated everything about you, would it be enough? Would it mean anything? Many niceguys who think having a girlfriend can satisfy that need are as insecure when they get a girlfriend -- even one centered around them like a Stepford-wife. There seems to be a long list of suicidal, alcoholic, or drug addicted celebrity sex symbols and rock stars who were literally worshipped by groupies 24 hours a day. They couldn't get enough approval, still miserable, they didn't approve of themselves.
If you know that you can never get enough approval, that fishing for more of it will only give you temporary relief, you are behaving like an addict who can't get enough of a drug... <more>
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