Thoughts from Another Second Class Citizen on the Edge

[oxymoron]

I am a 55 year old, gay man, and have been on DU for many years, including a couple of stints as a mod. I don’t post much anymore as I am not much of a writer, but I am a major lurker here every day.

I knew I was different by about 6 years of age. My family is very strict Mormon. I am a direct descendant of one of the founders of the Mormon Church. As the oldest son, I was expected to go on a mission, and of course marry and start a large family. By 12 I knew that scenario certainly wasn’t going to happen. I refused to go to church starting at age 15, causing huge problems at home. I considered suicide often and at 16 made a couple of very serious attempts. I was one of those at risk gay kids that could have benefited tremendously from some sort of community support.

Those were also the days before any anti bullying policies in schools. I spent my school years being called a faggot, etc, and being severely physically and emotionally abused – after which, I would go home to a hostile environment. When I finally reached 18, I came out to my family and left the house. My family and some friends didn’t speak to me for many years, and we still don’t have a relationship. This is a common story for many of my gay brothers and sisters.

I had a little talent and was very active in theater and music. Actually, I was quite successful at it for quite a while and was able to make a consistent living. I met a beautiful boy and fell in love. We would go out together, entertain, and developed a wide circle of close friends. Of course, at that time the gay bars were still underground in our town, and the police harassment was always there. We were very politically active and worked hard for gay rights and the Democratic Party. My first partner really was the love of my life, and we were together for 12 years. It was wonderful to finally be so fully accepted by the community, and loved unconditionally by such a warm, funny, talented man. We would have married had our country allowed it.

Then came AIDS. I literally spent the next decade assisting my friends, loved ones, and acquaintances get limited social services and eventually helping them die. I can’t tell you how many times I stood at a bedside, holding hands with another friend and watching the life fade from their eyes. I lost most of my close friends and my beloved partner. My heart still aches for all the beautiful, talented men that were lost in that holocaust. I still see the oddly sweet smiles on those gaunt faces. I am negative and can’t help but wonder why I am still here without them. My blood still boils in anger that the then President of my country was never even able to even utter the word AIDS. To this day, I don’t utter that asshole’s name.

I had one more 9-year relationship with a wonderful man. He was a high-profile professional and closeted. We are still very close, but the pressure of his fear of being identified as gay was too much for our relationship.

These days I am just fucking tired. I am currently working at what is considered a good job at a very conservative company. I am tired of being patronized by religious zealots at work. I am tired of being passed over for promotions and jobs even though I have a spotless record and excellent performance reviews.

I was diagnosed with major depression last week and I feel I don’t have many options. My doctor wants me to take some time off work, but I am scared to death of the ramifications. I can’t afford to lose my job and be without health care at my age. Not a big demand for 55-year-old gay men in this marketplace. After working all these years, I feel that I can’t afford to get the help I need. I have a few days of vacation left that I am taking, but my doc wants me to take several weeks. I am looking into a medical leave, but there still is the stigma and financial ramifications to deal with.

I live in the richest country in the world that has decided that wars and corporations are more important than us common folk. My country has decided that I am not covered by civil rights afforded other Americans. I worked hard for this President, but the lip service regarding my civil rights is beyond old.

Thanks for indulging me in this little free association exercise. It helps to write some of this down.

Just some thoughts from another second class citizen on the edge.

Oxy