Reply #16: k and r-- I am, alas, not surprised that you were flamed for your comments--

[niyad]

the level of obtuseness and lack of awareness on this board is pitiful sometimes.

Unless a person is qualified to handle all the complexities of a person who needs a lot of care, and supervision, who knows how to deal with dementia, incontinence, and all the other situations, I say, shut the fuck up. Unless you have been there, and know what the HELL you are talking about, don't you DARE pass judgment.

I have done this sort of work for years--and I know it is something not everyone can do. and frankly, when asked my opinion, I tell people that, unless they had a good and loving relationship with the parent/s, they really need to look into a care facility, or be prepared to pay someone else to look after the parent/s in their own home as long as possible. Cruel and heartless, some would say, to which I reply as above. Not everyone can deal, for example, with a person with dementia who was bad-tempered and mean to begin with, and the dementia only exacerbates things. in some cases, this can be a time of healing and reconciliation, but I have seen it go the other way far too often.

we need better systems for dealing with age and illness and debilitation. not all care facilities are bad, I have seen some that are excellent. not all in-home situations are good, either. this is a call each person has to make (oh, and by the way, in so many cases, the complete care of the parent falls on an already overworked woman)

betty friedan in "the fountain of age" had some good suggestions, and similar ones were made as part of an ongoing story arc in a mystery series I read.