My life as a useless eater

[undergroundpanther]

When I was born in an un fortunate family.
We had regular food on the table and our home was a seething cauldron of abuse and pain.Pain we all learned was to be kept a SECRET.

I was the youngest one and I was 'gifted' and creative and transgender..so I couldn't go along with the rules society laid out for"little girls".I thought gender made no sense.I asked too many questions.I rebelled. I never swallowed the idea society was normal.

My father was an asshole,he drank, he stank and he was mean often for no discernible reason.I became one of those people that become very sensitized to my surroundings to protect myself,and even to this day I cannot turn the hyper vigilance off.. When I went to school I had to be on my toes being around all the bullies who hated me for no discernible reasons.All around me these"helpers" shrinks,parents,peers,teachers all of them wanted to pretend I was not getting beat up,sexually abused,and it was all my fault I couldn't be nice and normal like other kids were. They all wanted me to be 'normal' so bad they failed to stand up when I needed them the most..than they blamed me for suffering at the hands of others.

It was very difficult to deal with the bullies in school,bullies on the bus, bullies in my neighborhood and going home to a bully father and a society that tells you it's all your fault you get hurt .It kinda makes you crazy after awhile.

My father was well liked by the town. He knew the local politicians,and all the good ole' boys. He would use his incredible woodworking skills to build his buddies exquisite furniture, while at home unseen by his buddies,our toilet threatened to fall through the floorboards and crash into the basement because he did not fix anything in the house until it was an unavoidable mess.He'd get busted driving drunk and the cops would drive him home he was a good buddy and got off the hook so easy it was disgusting.

We had to pretend everything was normal.And I was taught to lie about our home life.He got off the hook so easy it was disgusting.All this denial of how it was to protect the abusers face and create an illusion to pretend all was good in my house. But unlike the rest of my family I knew damn well there is no such thing as 'normal'. And I knew abuse was sick and it was hurting me.And so I opened my mouth to anyone who might listen.And no one listened.

I kept saying and I was ignored until I could not take it anymore and lost it and it became difficult to cover up the fact I was going crazy from living this lie I was told to live it or else.I learned Abused kids in the republican value system that fears"weakness" would be told to"ignore it" fight or take it and quit whining.But nobody would help.

Back than the nuclear family and the appearance of normal was a game everybody played whether your home was happy or not.It had to LOOK happy...or else.It was a right wing mentality based in a distorted view of strength,'toughness' and Independence.

By time I got taken out of school, and I got locked up, it was not for breaking laws but for not playing make believe and saying and acting as if this world was "good" or "normal".
I found out what"or else" meant.

I didn't care what people thought of me anymore,I was in pain.I didn't bathe enough to not offend sensible noses,and I didn't do as I was commanded to,my grades were all F's and I didn't care anymore.Well meaning control freaks around me wanted to make me agree to appear normal on the outside.To force the issue I was given tons of nasty drugs that didn't work.When drugging me into normalcy failed I got restrained for standing up for myself. I even was locked in a solitary cell like they do to murderers for 18 months.All this torture on top of the torture I already been through was so I'd give up my own ways and re-join society, become a normal and hopefully get a job,someday.

But first I had to be told how to shut up swallow my pain,deny the truth and quit being who I am...Or else.

Since most of my life has been spent dealing with assholes bullies, control freaks and their enablers,life has left me wounded.I can't cope with the shit other people can deal with like it's nothing.Trauma does that to you it removes your ability to cope with hassles.Maybe that's a good thing,even though it feels bad?

Yet to the greedy republicans who's beliefs are hopefully going extinct,whining about their"values" and how liberals are making the culture soft maybe it is time those"values" were retired forever.Maybe some softness to take the sharp edges off this cruel reality we inhabit is not so evil after all.

Sometimes I wonder how my life would have changed, if republican values were seen as an archaic,dangerous, primitive, false belief system by the entire culture?
I can think of a few..

If there was no faith in this"nuclear family " nonsense,I either would have been able to leave my biological family and find another one that was asshole free and thrived,Why? Because instead of the whole town by-standing, they'd be inclined to have empathy for others instead of control.

By other people in positions that could help turning away from someone suffering abuse,at home and being forced to go to a unsafe school, it was a function of the normalcy imperative. In a liberal value based culture "normal" has a more inclusive context,so the teachers would permit themselves to have enough empathy to notice something in my life was causing me pain and injury and they would not be trying to deny it,to save an abusers face and not invade his 'nuclear family and rescue his 'property''.. If they had more empathy than fear of losing their own job,like if they had a decent strong union,they'd have the back up to ACT on that empathy and protect me even if it meant breaking up a nuclear family and invading the man's castle to get me safe.. And if there were no tolerance of abusers of power in this culture the republican family values crowd and their wealthy masters could not be selling society these horrible lies anymore.


Things could have been dramatically better if society was truly progressive when I was growing up.In a society that is not hierarchy focused I would have been cherished as a person first, I would have been looked out for like I was valuable,I may have had a better quality of life from the start. Maybe instead of being locked up and tortured until I played the normal game,I might have been helped,on my terms,and healed sooner.

Instead of people's snotty elitism reminding me since I didn't play the game,get a career I'm nothing. If I didn't straighten up and discipline myself, I'd be a "useless eater". Work or suffer that isn't a choice, it's a threat. But they didn't want to see I was threatened by their world and belief system and the lies fear and coercion that makes them act that way.

Being on disability means I still exist because the state 'hands out' money to me so I can live.Society tells me at every turn I should be ashamed of my own existence. I should try to work and contribute to society. I ask myself what could I contribute that"upstanding"society would value?

Not much. I do contribute to my own kind,but that kind of creativity is not tame enough for the market.At best I'd be condemned to making what people are taught to think they want to make ends meet. Making the same things that sell over and over.And I would in short order call my artistic muse a curse.
I can't do that to myself.

The right wings ideology is based maintaining social hierarchies they think GOD made.I am on the bottom strata of the republican God's order.Among least likely to be a 'chosen one',a vessel of wrath for "normal"society to shit into.. Down here with me in the"useless eater" strata,the the working class resents..We are the bogeyman rich people use to scare working stiffs with,and working stiffs use us to scare their kids into working hard their entire lives.We a are the 'fringe' of the fringe,prostitutes addicts,communists,anarchists, freaks,retarded,bohemians,artists, disabled,mentally ill, and the dreaded homeless.

The right wing believes GOD ordains who is in what social strata.It's like a caste system no body talks about.And the right-wingers no matter how poor they are themselves they ALWAYS call themselves the elite. And to me they are the weakest of us.The real elites the wealthy create the lies that keep society stratified into haves and have nots.And Joe red state is a coat tail rider he believes the lies and says to himself he is one of the elite too..Even when it is obvious he is poor like me.So desperate he is to believe he is worth more than a mere human being.

Among the sort of people who would declare me lazy irresponsible and crazy, I wonder did they live as I did? Maybe, maybe not. All of us are different and life effects us all differently.None of us asked to be born we just came. I didn't choose my family of fuck-ups. Nobody chooses what kind of start they get in life If we could we would all want rich families that treat children well. But sadly not all families treat children well or are stable or wealthy enough to support kids.

Yet we all want to believe we can rise above the shit life slings at us every time.And that is not always true.. Sometimes we can get fabulously wealthy rarely,usually by marrying into a rich family .When we can't get ahead we blame ourselves and if we don't blame ourselves, long, and shamefully enough there are plenty of narcissistic hardworking efficient busybodies looking in who will try to shame us and give us their unwanted advice about our inherent flaws,bad decisions, and shortcomings in the 'success'' department.

The right wing wants us to buy the notion they get to be the elite and so have a right to say to hell with everyone else.Republicans dare not say it that plainly to us because they depend on everyone else to play their game with them and make believe that a stratified society is somehow compatible with democracy.A king without subjects to subject is just an egotistical fool with a crown on.

In a world where we protect each other and if each person mattered as if quality and the uniqueness of life was more important than playing every sperm is sacred, would I be a useless eater today? No, I would be a very different person.
But for me to be that different person.

I needed to be surrounded by a different culture that was egalitarian diverse that shared and took care of all like they all matter too..An Asshole Free Zone.Liberals have done a lot but they haven't taken the big step which is to disbelieve in masters and become intolerant of intolerable people.Liberals have a utopian vision like right-wingers do.On the left it's less toxic but just as unreal.
A society where elitism was seen as evil,where wealth hoarding is a disease and bigotry was sick is a society intolerant of intolerable people..A world where everyone helped everyone to be safe, everyone encouraged to be the best SELF they wanted to become ,in whatever form it took.But a society like that, would cease to be liberal it would be true anarchy.
A culture not built on "normal" or lies or the"market" so it did not have to compete to eat or lie about self to 'fit in' with the'game' and'big picture' would not be the one we have now.A lot of old beliefs and systems of exploitation and utopias have to die before we can get there..

Sadly our culture is too competitive and we are taught by bullies and parents to be fearful of each other and fearful of poverty and diversity to even go there.We are taught to be good means we must BE SOMEBODY,as if it's not ok to be who we are. Society bought into the biggest lie ever told .One that says to WIN we must sacrifice ourself,the other to save ourself,from each other..So if we just do that,we can rise above our little singular human condition if we, grow cold and greedy( a competitive and kill our empathy (shrewed businessman) and step upon the backs of our fellows we coerced into work by ownership exploited with a corporate paper to raise up a fiefdom built by our own greed.We succeed .Than we will be SOMEBODY.Until than we are worthless..This is a horrible "value" to create a society upon.Yet, this"value" is what the "free market" religion of christ the business is built on. Who wants to be a millionaire?

We might become a nation of private clubs just for the worthy ones, gated communities for the well off who can prove they deserve better than everyone else,and fenced lawns of those who aspire look privileged ,but do it on credit enslaved to pampering the ass of the boss man.But do we WANT to live in that kind of neo-feudalism? I know I can't, that's why I am a "useless eater".

As long as we internalize the conservative lies as if they were true we will find a way to cease to hear the cries of the suffering ,and weak,all the abused kids, raped women, gay-bashed gays,killed trans-people and bums,drunk vets,addicts,protitutes...And people will tell themselves lies so they can sleep guilt free in nice homes.Just believe you are better than them and that makes you entitled to a bed and warmth because of having to work..a job grants you privileges. By this virtue of having work ,some people can say of the lower classes, they caused their own problems, those inferiors,outside laying on the steam grates, that crack whores,or that drunk bum..Working class and above can rest easy in this narcissistic delusion of their economic value and never feel guilt or shame over what they helped create with this desire for SELFISH success.

Many people are still doing a dance of abuse of power without realizing they still do it.They are nowhere near as toxic as republicans are however.The ideology of the cutthroat competitor seeking privilege,of being better,we all are seeking to WIN the game.Still holds society in it's mesmeric cage.
People on the left have to learn to see what the game IS first to stop playing it.And sadly a few liberals still benefit from the game to ever see it clearly enough to stop playing it.

If we keep on believing as if one human deserves better than the others , all will be forced to be normal,and we will become a sociopath mono-culture as we all fight each other..On a planet that no one ever really owns but on which everyone depends upon..The game of I am worth more than you, Destroys the sensitive souls, it will drive them insane to enter the grinder of competition and have their heart pounded to dust,when eating becomes a privilege to be earned from somebody else ,instead of a need met by the planet none of us can ever own.To the wounded this stratified culture is hell,to play that game is re-traumatizing.

So for me rather than face re-traumatizing for the rest of my life, I chose to become a useless eater and take the path of less abuse and less success.And for this knowledge of my own limitations I am hated by the successful,resented by the workers, used as an example of satan and failure by the"family values" crowd and seen as the cause of this countries ruin by "free market" types..

To the psychopath , they are the only ones that thrive on a culture of corruption,narcissism and cruelty such as this one.

Is it OK for the poor to suffer so that you may have a chance however slim it really is, to gain outrageous wealth? Do you practice your fantasies of being elite and look down upon the poor and 'useless' and blame them for being poor or broken inside by the random events of life that wound some more deeply than others?

Do you really think a business contract is the same thing as a human to human RELATIONSHIP??!!
Death by success begins with killing your own consience...
And it is terrible how successful we have been at killing our own consciences and hardening our hearts to"get ahead".

At what cost for society are you willing to pay So a few people can have outrageous luxurious lives?
How much are you willing to tolerate suffering for the wealthy to live as they do? Are you willing to let millions of africans iraqis or other brown skinned people far away die? Are you willing to let others be homeless? What about YOU going homeless and blame yourself for it,will you do that for the rich elites so they can keep their decadent lifestyles?? Are you willing to become an indentured servant? A wage slave? A useless eater? How far will you suffer to keep the conservative lies alive? It is a very important question to ask.

The other important question we all need to ask is how much is enough for one person to have?

What is the opinions of the millions who try hard but never achieve enough to relax and live worth? What about those who never had a chance what are they worth? Are they supposed to love a society that treats them like scum for existing and needing care like everyone else does?
Should all us useless eaters just eat cake ,keep our mouths shut about the nasty man behind the curtain putting on a show,telling us all lies so we believe we have to play his way or suffer.

Will the dream of success ever stop enchanting us to fight each other? Will we ever lose faith in those conservative "values" that destroy us one by one from the inside out as we die behind a mask of normality? Will we ever break the bars of belief that only exist in the words of elitists and inside our own heads?