Reply #160: LiberalLoner, you deserve better here on earth

[pinboy3niner]

I am very sorry for your horrible experience, and for the continuing trauma that is its aftermath. I don't know how many times one needs to hear, "It's not your fault" before being able to internalize it, so allow me to join the others in saying: It's not your fault. Not the years of abuse, and not the extraordinary difficulty and challenge of going on, of living every day of your life with PTSD as a trauma survivor.

You've experienced some very hurtful--and even ugly--encounters in this discussion, but you've also had strong expressions of support and sympathy. When you're tempted to be discouraged, look back at posts from pnwmom and others of us who "get it"--and understand that though it may feel like it at times, you are not alone.

I've tried to avoid introducing my personal experience with PTSD here. But if there is a chance that it my do some good, I feel obligated to put my reservations aside. (I'll never forget the epilogue of the movie, "Platoon": "Those of us who DID make it have an obligation to build again . . . to teach to others what we know . . . and to try, with what's left of OUR lives, to find the goodness, and meaning, to this life.")

Like your dad, I was combat infantry in Vietnam. I suppressed my war experience for 16 years. I couldn't think about it, and I couldn't talk about it--not even with my little brother, who'd been there with me. I avoided other vets.

After 16 years, I had a dramatic catharsis--an epiphany--and all my suppressed memories came flooding back, very intensely, for two months. And while it was happening, I cried every single day.

I should point out that my recovered memories had nothing to do with atrocities. I never committed or witnessed war crimes. My traumatic experiences were the ordinary, everyday events of war. And they were complicated by overwhelming feelings of grief, and undeserved guilt--something that, I'm convinced, are powerful factors in memory suppression.

In another context, the Supreme Court recognized the concept of "redeeming social value". PTSD affects veterans of every war, but mental health professionals identified a sudden, delayed explosion of psychological trauma among Vietnam vets. My own view is that this is partly due to the fact that that VN was unique in that, WWII vets stopped a monster and saved the world, and Korean vets at least preserved the parallel and the political integrity and freedom of South Korea. VN vets couldn't say that. We fought a war with no redeeming social value. It's much easier to accept the loss of friends and comrades, and your own sacrifice and physical deficits of your wounds, if you can can feel that the sacrifices were necessary, that they achieved something of value. If it was meaningless, all for nothing, it is infinitely harder to bear the human consequences--your comrades, the civilians caught in the middle, the "enemy". How do you go on living in a world where such carnage, on such a vast scale, can happen for no reason?

After 20 years, my medic from Vietnam found me, and, together, we found others who'd been there with us. Every single one of those men corroborated my "recovered memories".

LiberalLoner, in sharing your painful experience here, you've exposed yourself and made yourself vulnerable, and in return, you've been subjected to hurtful comments. But you've also allowed many of us to understand your experience, and to care about you. Out of sincere caring and concern for you, I suggest that your experience here, in this discussion, is something that's important for you to discuss with your therapist. I'd hate to think of you being overwhelmed by negative feelings about this. You don't deserve to be victimized again by the ignorant, the uninformed, the insensitive. It is possible for trauma survivors to manage their PTSD, and to go on.

Love & Peace, pinboy3niner