Reply #18: Constitutional Amendment: The Right to Drive Drunk

[madmusic]

(AP) Drunk drivers across the country are calling for voters to approve an amendment permitting drunk drivers. "Drunk driving is an American tradition dating back to our Founders," said Wino, the group's spokesman. "No one called a cab. The got on their horses and drove."

When asked about the danger to the public, Wino said, "The wording is carefully crafted by Bar Stool, who used to be a lawyer before he was barred. No where, I repeat, no one does the amendment call for legalizing hurting anyone."

Critics claim the wording is ambiguous and point to Clause II, which states, "A dinner and drinks is part and parcel to winning and dinning. It is inerrant in the dating ritual and has a long tradition."

While some feminists agreed, others want revisions. "The winning and dining clause may be historically accurate, but we want the word 'ritual' removed. It is a patriarchal ritual."

Not so, said Jane. "I'm a staunch feminist, and if I want to seduce a man or a woman with dinner and drinks, I don't want some burly cop fucking it up by impounding my car and taking me to jail. That's like a romantic candle lighting the house on fire. Ruins the moment."

Gays and lesbians had a different issue. They want a change in Clause III. "Clause III insinuates that alcohol is Traditional Family Values because so many go out for a movie and drinks and make babies when they go home. That's all well and good, and we don't begrudge them that. But our romance is equally romantic."

President Bush laughed when told about the proposed amendment. "I wish they had then when I was drinking," he said.