Reply #20: It's so easy to ascribe violence to pathology, but in reality

[Tansy_Gold]

much of the violence against women is not pathological. Their abusers, rapists, killers are not psychopaths at all, but their fathers, boyfriends, husbands, etc. Often, these abusers believe, at some level, that their behavior is permitted by society, and often, it is.

I hesitate to post more, because I've already seen some familiar names on this thread and I don't want it to be hijacked. . . . . even here on DU, psychological "violence" against women seems to be tolerated.

A few months ago, I was verbally assaulted in a bar by one of my boyfriend's friends. The guy was very, very drunk and he always gets obnoxious when he's drunk. I tried to avoid getting into a conversation with him, but he was persistent to the point of shoving himself in my face and . . . . well, enough of that. At any rate, the conversation deteriorated to the point that I left the bar and he followed me out, screaming names at me that aren't permitted to be typed on DU under any circumstances and also threatening to beat me up. He is about 6'2" and 250 lbs; I'm a smidgen over 5 feet tall.

No one in the management at the bar said a thing to him about his behavior or even mentioned that the bar is part of a family restaurant and there were families having dinner there at the time.

I've only been back to the bar once since then, and only after making sure this obnoxious SOB wasn't there. This past Wednesday, however, he showed up after we had already sat down and ordered dinner. When he came over to offer his drunken and insincere apologies -- insincere because he has done this over and over and over -- and promises never to do it again, I just told him to leave me alone and never bother me again. But he insisted, and no one around us, not even my own boyfriend, told him to go away. Instead, *I* was told to politely accept the apology and "be nice."

Fortunately, his wife managed to get him away before he launched into one of his tirades. He was already drunk, and there was no way in hell I was going to tangle with him.

He's not a psychopath; he's perfectly normal. He doesn't stalk strangers because he knows that's sick and violent and not acceptable behavior. But even when sober, he sees nothing inherently wrong in his behavior beyond the fact that it makes him look bad . My refusal to be his willing victim makes him look bad, and he doesn't like that. See, it's my fault. "If you wimmen wasn't so goddamned touchy. . . . . "

Sorry. I really didn't intend to get suckered into this again.

Tansy Gold