Reply #42: How religion affected me as a kid

[undergroundpanther]

When I was a kid I was seriously into animals,I had a real menagerie,2 cats ,a dalmatian named Mikey(cause he would eat ANYTHING you gave him,even a lemon slice when he ate that,he got the name)I had 4 chickens ,One of them I adored a Jungle fowl rooster named Blackie,

I had a raccoon,Bandit ,a canary,2 parakeets,two love birds,a flying squirrel,a boa and a garter snake ,an iguana,two rats and a mouse,a box turtle,some aquatic frogs,two 40 gallon aquariums,one saltwater with cute little puffers,and anemones and clown fish yellow and purple half and half fish, bright blue fish,a yellow tang,And one freshwater full of neon tetras, angel fish and glass cats.

Two smaller fishtanks with a bright velvety red siamese fighting fish and three females,and another with a oscar fish.My room was full of cages and stuff and it was alot of work to maintain all these animals,and it was a noise riot waking up the minute blackie crowed from the coop outside, and I loved them all dearly,they kept me sane and busy in my very abusive house growing up.They saved my life.. And I went to sunday school.
I had asked the wrong questions of the teacher before and she'd sidestep it almost every time. But the day she told us about Noah's ark I lost it.

She described the process of selection about righteousness.
I of course asked another thorny question,I asked why did the animals die the ones not on the ark? How can an animal be unrighteous? They are not like us. Who made sure god didn't leave any good ones to die? Why did he drown the whole world? What happened to the trees and grass did it die too? How can grass be Evil?

I told her I never met an evil animal in my life. (everybody knew my sister worked with animals) I told her I met animals that were treated bad and got mean because the people that had it were bad people,or hurt animals yeah they can act mean,but they are just hurt and scared they are not mean really,and I told her wild animals act mean cause they are scared of people and don't know,but they are not evil.. but.but Animals are not evil like people are..How do you know if an animal is evil,animals bite for good reasons too or they don't trust you yet.(I was a regular at the park rehab where my sister rehabbed animals and later I would help out there and assist a local vet for a summer)In other words I knew something about animals,she didn't.

She stammered ..and said god was who chose which animals were to go on the ark because he made them.. And I asked well why didn't god care about the ones not on the ark didn't he love them too,god made them why didn't he just make them understand how to be good instead of killing them all??
She stammered and I began to see images of my cats,Mikey the chickens,the boa,My raccoon bandit,even the little fawn I helped bottle feed at the park rehab with my sister, little kittens,little babies,all swept under the rising water to die crying for someone anyone to help but no one coming because god thought they were evil.A flood that god put there to kill off the people he didn't like and I thought I was gonna cry right there..instead I blurted out "I hate god he's mean,an asshole!!"(my father cussed so I knew what those words meant,they were designed to hurt if they were aimed at a person personally)

To save face,I ran out into the cornfield and cried my eyes out I just wanted to go home and make sure all my animal friends were safe...The teacher called my mom she took me home,In the car I told her why I was so upset..she tried to lie and say god wouldn't kill my pets they are not evil..When I got home I hugged all my pets and told them God is a monster and I hate him and I told my pets I was better than god because I won't kill you just to get back at bad people.. And a few days later I found out I was kicked out of sunday school.Mom never pushed religion after that. My father being a drunk asshole used to tell me I was demonic,a haint,all sorts of religious based hate words.

And My neighbor was a fundie pedophile.So For me religion in the hands of adults has been a horrible spiritually destroying weapon that destroyed my sense of trust and self for a long time.The coercion from adults and their religions ruined 'religion' for me forever. So I cannot be a Christian in good conscience,Every religions gods seem to be an abuser,even jesus comes back to kill off tons of people in Revelations and pick his favorites and leave the rest to suffer like the old testament god.. the pagan gods are rapists,pedophiles,eaters of children,or demand bloody sacrifices..

The gods of this world,the makers and movers are to me Evil. If I seek a god at all,For me to trust it, it has to be transcendent and not of this world..Not like this world and not responsible for the way this world is and not in control of it.I don't trust ANY gods that mix up good and evil,do evil and say it's righteous.

Gnosticism,and hermeticism I can relate to,Gnostic especially because it says there are two gods and the creator of this world is an evil control freak making a fake reality overlaying and mixing with the good real one,it's the fake reality intruding upon the good that hurts the spiritual people.
Gnostic's say animals have souls.Some forms of gnosis gives me more satisfying answers than all is one or other typical religious responses I have studied to learn about the problem of evil.