Reply #1: Thanks . Tears here.

[elleng]

'I sat with my sponsor and argued and objected until she said: either do this thing or I'm dropping you, because I don't know how to sponsor someone who won't do this. I said the words. Did I mean them? Well ... does it matter? On the one hand, it matters a whole lot, this is supposed to be your soul here and whatnot. On the other, admonitions to "fake it till you make it" are correct. Was I desperate enough to plead in my heart for something, anything to save me from the hell of my miserable life? Yes. Is that enough? Yes.


I felt embarrassed to tell my husband this. I still don't pray in front of him. Why should it be embarrassing? Because it's obviously ridiculous, that's why. But here's the thing: I decided it was more important to be happy and useful than to have an internally coherent worldview. I just carved this (infinitely!) vast portion out of the rest of my life and said, I'll just do whatever you nice AA people say. Because if I don't do that, I will die.


I have been sober for nearly four years now and to say that the change is like night and day. I have "sponsees" myself, and they struggle with all these things, and I just patiently tell them to do what I say, and if they do this they never have to drink again. I have had one sponsee overdose on drugs she bought with money I had trustingly given. She was only 22. I am unwilling to consider that some deity decided she wasn't trying hard enough. There's just life, and death, and things we can do to be loving people. I am happy to endure the most flagrant ontological inconsistency in exchange for my living children, who have a good mother, who is breaking the chains of abuse passed on from generation to generation. Not a perfect person, but a useful one. That's enough.'