Reply #1: Hugs from me for some encouragement for you.....

[DemExpat]

I can only imagine how stressful this situation must be for you, when options are not plentiful.

And I do understand that impulse to be aggressive on yourself when rejected or abused by others. With me it had to do with guilt/shame from childhood of thinking it was my fault that I was treated that way.
But it is an impulse in the present that I hope you can get over a.s.a.p.!
Throw those damned cigarettes away - they don't help anyway, and will give you another hurdle to get over when this crisis has passed, which it WILL...

Self-esteem issues make some of us so hard on ourselves at times, and when we learn more to accept ourselves and to stand up to those who hurt us, (which you seem to be doing now) this gets much better - in my experience.

Much support for you, dear,

:hug:

DemEx