Reply #13: See my post in the rule of three thread:

[Der Blaue Engel]

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=262x217#230

A healthier spell than that first naive attempt at magic was one that I worked over the last year. My partner and I were handfasted in February 2003, and shortly thereafter, he became deeply involved with a new lover (we're polyamorous). I was devastated that the start of our new life together was completely overshadowed by someone new that from the very beginning was demanding equal time and attention.

I began an ongoing candle spell on my altar to let him see who he truly loved, and to let me either understand and accept it if the intimacy and primacy that I desired from our relationship wasn't meant to be so that I would no longer be in pain, or to be able to let him go.

It was extremely difficult and took a long time; we had many talks, arguments, and renegotiations, and I had to go back to the altar and renew the spell every time I started to feel overwhelmed by the conflict. Each time, I would do a tarot spread on whether this relationship was right for me, and every time, I got The Lovers, The Sun, Three of Cups...always saying that things would work out.

After our first anniversary passed (and theirs!) with no indication that the situation would ever change, I decided that although I loved him, I couldn't be less than first in his life, because he is first in mine, and that was what our handfasting meant to me (and, I thought, to him). Again, though, I got that darn "happy ending" tarot spread, and it pissed me off.

I did another spread asking when his other partner was going to be out of his life, because that was the only possible way I could go on with the relationship; and I got a very clear "five months." I decided I was probably being manipulative of the cards, but I figured it was as good a deadline as any, so I decided that if they were still together at the end of five months, I would walk away. Periodically, I'd throw another "just checking" spread, and the corresponding time was always the same. I doubted it would come to anything, but it did seem interesting that every month I'd check, and the number would come up one less than the month before.

One week before the end of June, the fifth month, my partner showed up one night and said, "By the way, X and I have ended our relationship." I hadn't even talked to him about my deadline, or pressured him to end it. They just got sick of each other.

I needed the ritual (both candle magic and tarot) for my own head, my own peace of mind. It may not have had any external affect on the situation, but it kept me focused on what the issues were for me...what I wanted/needed, what I could live with, what I couldn't. It kept me from unleashing my emotions on him when they got out of hand, and it continued to reaffirm for me that the relationship was worth the struggle. Magic, in the end (for me), is a symbolic expression of the true ritual work that goes on in my head and my heart: the tangible shaping of my hope, will, and desire.

(Wow; I didn't realize this post was going to be that long. :) )

BB