Reply #29: Try to imagine. . .

[pat_k]

The first day I started meds, my husband asked "Do you want to go for a walk?" while I was doing some straightening up.

My response -- looking up, thinking a moment, and calmly saying "Sure" -- may not sound surprising to anyone else, but whenever he suggested some "unplanned" activity -- something as simple as going for a walk or going to the grocery store -- he had come to expect me to look distressed, confused, "short-circuited." I might end up doing the thing, but only after sputtering as the new thing got added to the mix.

More often than not, I would have snapped back something like "I can't think about that right now!" because the simple suggestion of something not already rattling around with all the other stuff in my head felt overwhelming -- like the straw the broke the camel's back.

Most people take the ability to easily shift from one activity to another for granted, but for me, "getting started" on a task took ages. But once started, doing anything else -- stopping to eat, feed the dog -- got put off and put off (in a minute, in a minute, just one more thing) often to the point of exhaustion.

Everyone experiences procrastination, but I don't know if most people can get what it's like for someone whose every moment is a struggle with procrastination (I'll let the dog out in a minute, I'll get started on the dishes in a minute, I'll go to the gym tonight).

I don't know if most people can imagine the devastating shame and frustration that goes along with being unable to get done the things you want to get done. Or what it feels like to give up on ever being able to predict whether or not you'll be able to follow through on your intentions -- knowing that you are letting the people around you down.

I don't know if most people can imagine how much of your life can be lost to looking for things ("It was right here a minute ago!"). Or how stupid you feel when you find the milk going sour in the cabinet.

I'm sure most people have occasionally walked into a room and suddenly can't remember why they are there, but try to imagine what it would feel like to have it happen at least twice a day. When the simple act of getting a cup of coffee can take 30 minutes because every time you get into the kitchen, you find yourself doing something else, completely forgetting that you meant to get a cup of coffee until you get back to your desk.

Now it is almost hard to recall what it was like, but the sense of shame that followed every meeting or social event used to be unbearable -- knowing I had blurted out some asinine thing, or kept interrupting others when I had sworn, sworn to myself that this time I would just listen and keep my mouth shut and "be there."

If you've every woken up feeling ashamed of yourself for drinking too much and "making a fool of yourself," you've had a taste of what it feels like. Try to imagine what it is like for someone whose loss of self-awareness in the presence of a group leaves them feeling the same way -- after EVERY social event, presentation, or meeting.

Try to imagine how terrible it is when someone you love lets you know how un-cared about and unloved they feel because, once again, you've been "off somewhere," completely engrossed in some project, for who knows how long.

If you are beginning to get the picture

. . .try to imagine what it is like to take a drug and have things suddenly come into focus; to have a sense of self-awareness; to be able to follow through on your intentions; to finally understand that you are not just a lazy, crazy, careless, or thoughtless person.

In my previous post, when I said it was a miracle, I meant it. There is no other way to describe the transformation.

Now, try to imagine what it feels like to be told what you have experienced doesn't exist -- that it isn't a disorder.

Try to imagine what it feels like to be told that the medication that transformed your life, which has perhaps the longest history of safety of anything on the market, should be banned.

The incredible damage done by people who have no idea what it is like, and who tell people who are struggling with ADD that they don't need drugs, that they can "cure" themselves if they jsut apply themselves, is almost unimaginable.