Reply #45: Top 10 signs you're a ‘Literalist’ Nonbeliever

[stangoodwin]

Top 10 signs you're a ‘Literalist’ Nonbeliever (fundamentalist co conspirator ;-)

10/ When someone states they are “broken hearted” and “adrift on a sea of misery” you seek out a Heart
Surgeon and contact Search and Rescue.

9/ “Pulling your leg”, “taking the piss”, “pulling your chain” must constitute in turn-
assault, bizarre theft and trespass.

8/ You are “Leaping with laughter” and “Jumping for joy” when you hear someone has been “walking on
water” or “raising the dead”….because they are just such stupid notions with only one clear literal
meaning.

7/ “Throwing some light on a question” involves determining how to capture such a particle or wave and
how to hold the question down to throw the light on.
“Throwing some light on scripture” involves, for you, exactly the same literalist approach and
process.

6/ If fundamentalist/literalists expect the “end of the world” to be a cataclysmic, apocalyptic
explosion involving “ten headed beasts” and an embodied demonic antichrist…then hell…that’s the kind
of ‘wiz bang’ entertainment we expect and demand…so lets go along and play along with these narrow,
shallow literalist expectations to the exclusion of all other readings.

5/ When advised that (just like the fundamentalists) you have failed to recognise or consider the
potential for ‘metaphor’, ‘allegory’ and ‘parable’ within scripture and that “You had better pull
your socks up”….you look down and declare “But I’m not wearing socks”!

4/ You are the “apple of your mothers eye” and clever enough to know that a “blood curdling scream”
wont effect the milk… but if the Messiah doesn’t float down “on a cloud” he aint coming and if the
‘raptured’ don’t float up into clouds they aint going.

3/ You want to know the precise weight of ‘The Golden Rule’ and its current value
on the Commodities Market. (http://www.teachingvalues.com/goldenrule.html)


2/ Your girlfriend wants to know why you end up with “egg on your face” when you are told to “suck
eggs” and your God wants to know why your obsessed with turning “water into wine” and feeding a
multitude with a single fillet of fish burger.

1/ The notion that “raising up from the dead” might be an expression applicable to the living is absurd
and incomprehensible to you…..just as it is to fundamentalists.

;-)