Reply #35: I disagree with what you say about the Ten Commandments

[MikeH]

I disagree with your statement: “The parts of The Bible that should be taken literally are the 10 Commandments and Christ's Testimony.”

In particular I very strongly think that the commandment which says to “honor your father and mother” is an example of something in the Bible that is wrong. And I think that it is very unfortunate that this particular commandment is one which is attributed to God and is one of the “Ten Commandments” which have come to lie in the center of traditional Western and Judeo-Christian morality.

The commandment to “honor your father and mother”, in the biblical text, is unconditional, and makes no exception if one’s parents are abusive, or are otherwise not deserving of honor.

In particular I think it is very wrong to say to a person who has or has had an abusive parent or parents that such a person has a duty to honor such parents.

If anything there should be a commandment to parents for them to treat their children with dignity and respect, that they (the children) might come to treat themselves and others with dignity and respect.

I would think that it is a much greater crime or sin to abuse or mistreat a child than it is to talk back to or to otherwise disrespect one’s parents. While not a parent myself, I would think that any good or competent parent, or any parent with any self-respect, would not need the backing of a commandment from God. If anything, I would think that it is bad parents, or http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553284347/drirensgetwithth">toxic parents, who would need to invoke the commandment when they are displeased with something their child says or does, or who would say or imply to a child that when the child displeases or dishonors his/her parents, the child is really displeasing, dishonoring, and disobeying God, or who would say or imply that an affront to one’s parents is an affront to God.



The recently deceased Swiss writer and psychotherapist http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alice_Miller_%28psychologist%29">Alice Miller, in her http://www.alice-miller.com/books_en.php">books and on her http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php">web http://www.naturalchild.org/alice_miller/">sites, documents some of the consequences of exonerating or “forgiving” abusive parents, or absolving them of blame, in the name of the commandment to “honor your father and mother”.

I would think that one very obvious consequence would be that if a person has been taught from childhood to be mortally afraid of challenging or questioning one’s parents (under threat of punishment, and always reminded to always “honor your father and mother”), then that person is going to be afraid of questioning or challenging other authorities (religious, political, and otherwise) later in life. Alice Miller, particularly in her book http://www.nospank.net/fyog.htm">For Your Own Good, documents that this is the case both with leading figures in the Nazi regime and with many ordinary Germans who acclaimed and went along with Hitler. In fact she even has an http://www.nospank.net/fyog13.htm">entire chapter about Hitler himself and his brutal upbringing, particularly by his father.

And I think that exonerating abusive or http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0553284347/drirensgetwithth">toxic parents, or absolving them from blame, and not confronting them, in the name of the commandment to “honor your father and mother”, is not any different from failing to prosecute Bush and Cheney for their crimes.



I feel very strongly about this because of my own very difficult relationship with my father, for which my being a Christian had been of no help to me. While my dad did many very nice things and many very good things, and was far from being the worst father anybody ever had, my dad was often extremely judgmental, and sometimes just bordered on being abusive. He often decided in Godlike fashion that I needed to be treated like I had committed a crime or a heinous sin if I had honestly forgotten something, made an honest mistake, or something was not quite up to his standards. And he would always say that whatever he said or did was done out of “love” and “http://www.nospank.net/fyog.htm">for my own good”. Though he would deny it, my dad often seemed to have the attitude that being father of his children and head of the house gave him certain arbitrary privileges. And if I were angry or upset with him or with something he said or did, it was always a problem with me, and never with him. He seemed to think that he could never be wrong. In fact one of his favorite jokes was “I may not always be right, but I am never wrong.”

I came to realize a little over a year after my dad died, 25 years ago now, that much of my dad’s behavior actually was abusive, or borderline so, and very disrespectful to me. I.e. it was not something wrong (or “sinful”) with me that I had problems with him, and was often angry with him or resented him (which anger and resentment spread to other people and other areas of my life).

And along with that realization came the realization that my being a Christian, and supposedly having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, had been of no help to me in enabling me to deal with my dad. And I don’t think it was simply unfortunate that Christianity turned out not to be of help. Christianity aggravated the problem with, among other things, the commandment to “honor your father and mother”, and with an admonition in Hebrews 12 which says to gladly accept the chastening of the Lord, like that of a “good” father, i.e. much like my father.

In fact my difficulty with my father, for which my being a Christian turned out to have been no help to me, was the single biggest thing which led me to become disenchanted with the Christian faith, and eventually to part company with the faith, and particularly to absolve myself of duties and obligations imposed by the faith (as opposed to those incumbent on any good or moral person), which is something I am happy about having done.