Grace Nearing's 10 Books Not to Read Before You Die

[Miss Authoritiva]

Grace Nearing’s 10 Books Not to Read Before You Die

This London Times column got me thinking: What do I regret having spent my time reading, and why did I ever read these books anyway? After much thought, here’s my final list of books, complete with excuses.

#1 Eloise, by Kay Thompson

Eloise is a little girl -- a force of nature, really -- who lives at The Plaza Hotel in New York in a long ago time when pedophiles didn’t yet exist and bumptious children could wander freely through the metropolis. This classic children’s story left me with a lifelong disappointment that suburban homes don’t come with Room Service.

Reason for reading: big print/small words, four-color cover too enticing to resist


#2 The Baltimore Catechism, by The Third Plenary Council of Baltimore*

The fundamentals of Catholicism reduced to 25,000 straightforward sets of questions and answers. No discussions or clarifications necessary!

*Note: The special deluxe edition featuring pop-up cutouts of the Milk Bottles of Sin is exempt from this do-not-read list.

Reason for reading: required indoctrination


#3 Twixt Twelve and Twenty: Pat Talks to Teenagers, by Pat Boone

That’s right, the uber-bland pop singer from the Fifties and current WorldNetDaily columnist discusses Eisenhower-era social hygiene and offers commonsensical dating do’s and don’ts, including what to do when your naughty parts get all bulbous and tingly at the high-school weenie roast.

Reason for reading: stoned

For books Nos. 4 through 10, click here.

What books do you recommend not reading?


Grace Nearing @ Scriptoids