What we can expect if Kerry wins in '08...

[jgraz]

(Aside from flying pigs and a blizzard in Hell, that is)

• Nov 5th, 2008: Any Senate or House candidates who lost their seats due to election fraud are quietly pressured to drop any protests, lest they look like sore losers. This happens even though it means losing control of both houses of congress.


• Jan 20th, 2009: In his inaugural address, President Kerry calls for bipartisanship and cooperation with the GOP. He immediately announces his support for an anti-gay marriage amendment, and says he is "studying" the effectiveness of prayer in schools.


• Jan 21st, 2009: President Kerry issues pardons to ALL Bush Admin officials accused of crimes while in office. He refuses European and U.N. calls to investigate war crimes or to extradite offenders to the Hague. He does this, of course, in the cause of national unity and healing.


• Mar 28th, 2009: President Kerry is himself accused of war crimes during his service in Vietnam. He ignores these accusations because they are clearly bogus.


• Jun 5th, 2009: With the Iraq War still raging, Kerry calls for a drawdown of 100,000 troops starting in 6 months. The Republicans counter by calling for an additional 100,000 troops in the next 6 months. Kerry compromises by agreeing to drawdown zero troops, but to do it within three months. Everybody's happy.


• Jul-Dec, 2009: NAFTA, CAFTA, for-profit health insurance, the bankruptcy bill and crushing wage inequities continue unabated, since fighting against them may damage President Kerry's re-election bid. Progressive Democrats who object to this are politely asked to sit down and shut up.


• Jan 19th, 2010: President Kerry is accused of war crimes during his service in the Senate. He ignores these accusations because they are clearly bogus. Meanwhile, Richard Mellon Scaife begins buying up strips of local tv time for purported "infomercials".


• Apr 10th, 2010: Al Gore is quietly asked to stop campaigning against global warming. Kerry 2012 workers start buying up all copies of "An Inconvenient Truth". Meanwhile, President Kerry announces an initiative for a 1% increase in CAFE standards over the next 20 years. After pressure from Congressional GOP members and industry lobbyists, Kerry agrees to make the increases optional.


• May 24th, 2010: "The Passion of the Swift Boaters" opens nationwide. John Kerry -- played by an aging Pauly Shore -- is depicted as living on a strict diet of dead Cambodian children. Kerry ignores these accusations because they are clearly bogus. Congressional Republicans begin quietly drawing up articles of impeachment.


• Jul 4th, 2010: In an Independence Day speech, President Kerry attempts to tell a joke about puppies, but instead says "Die you American Devils" while waving the North Korean flag. Presidential speechwriters beg Kerry to give up further attempts at comedy.


• Nov 2nd, 2010: Republicans score a sweeping victory in the mid-terms, holding both houses of Congress and gaining a 2/3rd majority in the Senate. President Kerry congratulates them on their victory and says he hopes they will continue to work with him in the spirit of bi-partisanship. Several Republicans are hospitalized for what is reported to be "excessive laughter".


• Jan 3rd, 2011: The 112th Congress convenes.


• Jan 3rd, 2011, two minutes after midnight: John Kerry is impeached by the House of Representatives for the murder of Vince Foster. He is immediately convicted in the Senate and removed from office. For good measure, Vice President Obama is also removed.


• Jan 4th, 2011: House Speaker Richard Pombo, re-elected in 2010, is sworn in as the 45th President of the United States. He immediately appoints James Inhofe as his vice-president.


• Mar 13th, 2011: John Kerry forms an exploratory committee to consider a run for the presidency in 2012. 84 threads are started on Democratic Underground in favor of his candidacy and flaming anyone who disagrees.