Reply #16: Should you feel guilty?

[tavalon]

No, guilt is a useless emotion, used to cover up for other things. You should look carefully at what you did though. The technical term for what you engaged in there was triangulation. It's a very unhealthy, non-direct form of communication. It tends to cause exactly what happened. Your cousin's wife is a master at passive-aggressive and frankly, it looks like you aren't so bad at it yourself.

Next time (if you ever choose to hang with this odious dysfunctional woman again) set very clear boundaries and consequences for her ignoring those boundaries and follow through accordingly. It's really hard for people who are used to being passive to learn how to be solidly assertive without bouncing over into the aggressive side, but it is learnable. If you don't implicitly understand what I'm suggesting, get books on setting boundaries and on assertive communication skills.

Never, ever, pass on stories. Let the aggrieved parties talk to one another, demand it even, but be careful if you are going to facilitate it.