Damn, y'all know what really sucks?

[last_texas_dem]

Well, a lot of things do I guess, but for now I'd say what really sucks is to have developed an intense crush on a woman who's engaged. That's what I've gotten myself into. Maybe I just have weird reasoning, but it's like it would be easier for me if she were anything but engaged. If she just had a boyfriend, I'd have a little hope; if she were married, I'd have to force myself to move on. But knowing she's engaged is like being stuck in limbo.

I swear I have the worst luck sometimes... I'm twenty years old and already feel like relationship-wise my life has passed or is passing me by. I spent the end of high school and the beginning of college in a looong roller-coaster-type relationship that I thought was going to be the gift that saved my life, which only ended in a trainwreck. Then I spent over a year in hopeless, uncertain depression because of that breakup. The last several months I've felt better but still haven't gotten anything going. Maybe part of it's my own choice, I live fairly conservatively (thought politically I'm a raging liberal!) and don't "party", etc. so don't go out much except hanging out with a few close friends, and I'm also hopelessly and painfully shy...

Finally this semester I meet this woman in my class, we talk and whatnot, studied together and hung out a little... I knew she had a boyfriend, but I couldn't help falling. In fact I've met her fiance, he seems nice, they seem good together... I don't know what my deal is... Now I'm taking this summer class with her where we get to go out and eat together as part of the assignment so we've just been hanging out together, been getting to know her better every day, wishing I could somehow be with her whenever I'm not wishing someone would just put me out of my misery!

I feel like I'm in freakin' Jr. High again somehow. Not sure why... as I didn't have to deal with any engaged girls back then. haha I dunno... we've become friends and I think we could become really good ones but don't know if trying to become much closer is just going to make things worse since I don't know if there's anything short of time that could make my feelings change. I'm not the type of guy who would cause a girl to break off an engagement anyway... I know that sounds like I have low self-esteem or something, but I think it's just in my nature- I'm nice, low-key, etc., but not the type who would cause something like that. I doubt she feels anything romantic for me anyway, not saying she couldn't, but just saying she likely doesn't and is not the type to act on it or make it clear if she did. And I don't think I'm truly wanting to destroy an engagement anyway, like I was saying above... I'm just flat-out conflicted.

My problem is, I don't know what the hell I do want. That's become the story of my life. I graduate in August and I'll have two degrees... wanted to go to grad school but missed the deadline for application to where I wanted so I just have an open semester. Part of me wants to do something I can always remember for the rest of my life or something with this time. Make the most of it... I could get a job, maybe, but don't want to settle down yet. I don't even feel like I've lived yet... if I have I haven't enjoyed it. At least looking at things in general... But I don't know exactly what it is I think I'm missing. I just feel so unfulfilled somehow...

That's why part of me just wants to go off somewhere, do something different, just leave all this painful shit behind. But I'd have to know I was leaving behind all the hurt and uncertainty in my mind or I doubt things would even be better...

Anyway, I don't know what in the world made me decide to type this. I don't guess I have a question exactly... determining a need to ask one would involve too much certainty on my part, and I'm not certain about anything. I've just been out with my friends tonight but didn't feel like burdening them with this worrisome garbage of mine, now I wish I could talk to somebody or something but it's too damn late to, so I'm just awake, venting, rambling on here. I know I don't post much on here unless it's political; maybe it's 'cause if I start typing up personal stuff like this I can't organize my thoughts decently at all! Anyway, I figure this post will sink like a stone, and deservedly so, but any and all responses to my nonsense are certainly welcomed by me.