Has anyone seen my Briefcase?

[Exultant Democracy]

It disappeared a few days ago, but the strange thing is that I was in my house at the time and all the doors were locked. The only way anyone could have gotten in is through my doggie door, but to do that they would have had to be some type of midget (no larger then say a turkey.)

At first I had assumed that I had just misplaced it in my house, but now I’m starting to panic because it had some very sensitive documents inside of it, the type that could mean trouble if they fell into the wrong hands.

There are a few clues that I hadn’t noticed at first and just attributed to my roommate, the first is that a bag or oranges is also missing, and the second is a TV remote that just appeared out of no where, but does not work on for my TV.

The remote is a normal remote in all respects, it has Arabic numerals on it 1-9 and then a 0 at the bottom, it has a power button and buttons for volume and channel changing. It also has a return button which I believe would allow you to toggle between two channels, but I cannot be sure since the remote does not work on my TV.

I suspected the guy next door (he is a shady fellow and his Bush Cheney sign as from 2000 is still up in his front yard.) But after I broke into his house I found that the remote did not work on his TV either, but he did has a suspicious bag of apples so I commandeered them as evidence (or for pie.)

If anyone finds my briefcase (normal brown fake leather exterior) please PM me, and no matter what you do, do not open it, or give it to any terrorist, malcontents, or unsavory characters. If you cannot return it to me please destroy it (fire should work.)

Thank you,
LC