Reply #82: I was 24 when Dropkid was spawned

[dropkickpa]

And I was totally unprepared emotionally, financially, and relationship-wise. BUT, I love her more than anything I could imagine. I didn't decide to keep the pregnancy until I was 11 weeks along, at the last minute, it was an agonizing decision, but I felt it was the right one. I'd always thought that maybe someday I'd have kids, wanted them in a vague sorta way, but I had a surprise preg (due to my own carelessness, I readily admit).

For some reason, having Dropkid focused me, career-wise, in a way I don't think anything else could have. I had always kinda wanted to do what I do now, and had been kinda doing it, but it wasn't until I had her that I really accepted that a happy fulfilled person was what I totally wanted to be (and it the best thing for her to see). Before her I'd always figured I'd have plenty of time (didn't want kids before 30 at the earliest).

I would like to have more (DK is 6 now), but I think I'd be totally okay with just her, too.

Having a kid changes the way you percieve the world, in ways that you would totally not expect. Of course there are time where I was exhausted, fed up, and overwhelmed, but I found that the amazing wonderful times outnumbered them 1000 to 1. If I choose, I can get a totally fresh, awe-filled perspective on the most insubstantial things any time I want, just by going down to her level, looking at the world through her eyes.

Your priorities shift, and not how you'd expect. I could NEVER be a stay at home mom, I need the stimulation and fulfillment I get from work to feel complete, though I know many women who get that fulfillment from being stay at home mums. It's just not in my makeup to be that way.

I honestly believe that there is not one person or couple that is ever truly "ready" for having a child/ren, no matter what they think. It's like trying to describe swimming to a Sahara desert nomad, totally alien to any experience they'd ever had. I have spent my whole life around children/babies, but having your own is a COMPLETELY different thing.

I am a single parent, have been pretty much from her birth, but I don't really think that made things harder, just different.

I would not for one minute change having Dropkid. She has enriched my life in ways and areas that I never knew existed before I had her. I have certainly learned patience, which I had absolutely none of, and an empathy that I didn't ever have before has developed. But I also have an extremely pragmatic side that wasn't really there either.

The absolute biggest change has been the fact that I am no longer the center of the universe. I've learned, really and truly, that there are things outside of myself that are not just as worthy of my attention/passion, but perhaps moreso. Even in a relationship, the "I" part of it usually got prime consideration, even when I thought I was putting the other person first. I am both more and less selfish than I have ever been in my life. More in that I know, without a doubt, that things I desire/am passionate about really do matter (just not solely for me now), and I've found that the sacrifices I've made have actually enriched me. I am also, in a wierd way, correcting the "mistakes" my parents made even if I make all new mistakes).

I of course have doubts as to how good a mother I am, I, and no other mother, would be human otherwise. But I have to say, I am doing a surprisingly fantastic job if Dropkid is anything to go by. If I had decided that that doubt was strong enough, I would have had an abortion with no qualms.

I am one of 6 children. Some of us have chosen to be child-free, and I respect their decision and support if fully. I am (obviously) not one of them. This "works" for me, no matter how ambivilant I was at the outset.