Want to win the World Cup? It's easy! Here's how:

[KamaAina]

Elbow an American in the face. That's all there is to it. Elbow an American in the face, preferably drawing blood, and your side will eventually win the World Cup. The only drawback is that you'll win in a g-dd-mn PK shootout, but rest assured, you'll win.

Not just any American will do, obviously. In particular, elbowing me in the face will not help your country win the World Cup, and might get you a boot to the head besdies, so don't even bother. It must be an American playing for our laughable excuse for a national selection. This method is tried and true. Brazil employed it in '94: I forget the name of the Brazilian thug who was sent off, but it was Tab Ramos who got the elbow in the face. Sure enough, the Red, White and Boooooooooo! conceded a goal to ten-man Brazil, which went on to win the Cup on, yup, PKs.

Fast-forward to 2006: this time I remember the name of the thug, del Rosso, who left Brian McBride covered in blood. And, just as sure as death and taxes, he and the rest of his soon-to-be-second or third division teammates ended up covered in glory, after yet another PK shootout. The outcome of this one was pretty much preoradined: Italy had Buffon in goal while France had only a buffoon.

Near-Freudian slip: I had typed 'gaol' for 'goal'!

Why PK shootouts suck: Freedomland were far the better side through most of the second half and extra time, right up until The Headbutt. (What did Matarazzi say? Did he call Zidane a faggot? A dirty raghead terrorist? Or (gasp) a baldy? ) Yet they left empty, because their one weakness was piece of merde Barthez (what was he thinking on the fourth shot? He just slid down like a catcher in baseball. :eyes: )

More Headbutt (natch): It was actually yet another crappy call, even though it was obvious what had happened. The officals are not supposed to go by what they see on the Jumbotron, no matter how heinous. And if one of the assistants had actually seen it live, wouldn't he have come running up to the ref, rather than waiting through that two-minute confabulation?

Ow! I told you not to elbow me! I'm just a fan...