Reply #54: i'll speak up as one of those abused children who becomes the abuser

[sojourner]

-- completely the opposite of what I intended for my life. No, not sexual abuse (thank god). No not ritual abuse or other sick perverted abuse that you sometimes read about (thank god). Just the sort of "ordinary" "normal" "good old American" spank the kid 'til my hand hurt, and when that wasn't enough use a belt; yell at them when I was mad; tell them how disappointed I was in them; lose control of my temper and scare the shit out of them with my violence even though not directed at them - (they still saw it)!

Please do not start in on me until you hear me out...nobody plans on abusing their children -- and if speaking up here gets me totally hated then that tells me a lot about the mindset and the ability of people here to see beyond their own limited point of view.

When I had my family I pretended there was nothing wrong with me. I had no idea what the pent up rage that came from my childhood of sexual and emotional and physical abuse could do to me and those I loved. I was surrounded by loving and forgiving people who could not understand the idea of hating someone for what they had done to you, so I learned to completely bottle mine up. Problem with doing that is that the rage gets served as "leftovers" to the people closest to your heart.

I finally went to get professional help when I got so desperate that I wanted (and tried) to kill myself. No big loss as far I went...I'm sure you'll agree. But I thought about what THAT would do to my kids. I got help.

Along the way, I learned to forgive myself. I learned to forgive my father...but I had to experience and work through my rage before I could bring myself there. And, no one could have or should have forced that choice on me. It was purely my own decision...based on my own feeling that my father acted out of his own dysfunction and was as lost as I felt when I was in a rage.

My decision to forgive him was the most healing moment in my life. I highly recommend it.

Not only did it allow healing for me, but because it was managed with honesty and integrity, it also gave my dad a chance to get some healing, too. Further than that, it helped my own children. Forgiving my dad gave me the humility to ask my own kids for their forgiveness. And the help I sought really did help me to put away all that dysfunctional anger. It allowed me the insight to recognize how my actions were just acting out what I had experienced myself and gave me the tools I needed to change my actions.

I have children who have witnessed and experienced abuse. But they have witnessed and experienced healing. They are terrific people. I am extremely proud of them. I wish I could do more to correct the mistakes I've made, and when I see the opportunity, I DO take it. But, mostly, I am glad someone didn't decide to lock me up and throw away the key. Because then my chance for redemption would have been lost, as would the chance for my dad's healing and the love that my children and I now share.

But it's between the abuser and the abused, this forgiveness. Society at large forgive me? I haven't asked. Neither did my dad or my mom. I don't think that YOU or anyone else putside the situation holds the power to forgive abusers.