Do you subject potential romantic partners to a litmus test?

[lapislzi]

I never used to, but I have become stricter and stricter in my standards over the years. I simply don't (didn't) feel like investing time and energy in a relationship if I know pointless arguments are going to ensue. I relaxed my standards a few years ago and entered a relationship with a Believer (a moderately devout Christian). That turned out to be a slippery slope. His so-called "progressive" views really cloaked a closet conservative. And, he wasted oceans of my precious time trying to persuade me to believe in a god.

I knew my husband was The One when I found out he was a DUer. I was nervous about entering the relationship. When I expressed doubts, he directed me to his blog, with links to DU and Rude Pundit. This atheist found heaven.

Share your stories, brothers and sisters?

[rug]

1. As long as she doesn't have crabs, all is well.

[pipi_k]

6. And a torso attached to the head. That's important... n/t

:+

[malaise]

36. Getting up off the floor

:rofl:

[Vinnie From Indy]

2. any potential mate is immediately disqualified for using the phrase "litmus test".

Cheers!

[lapislzi]

5. Hah! Good thing I'm already married!

:hi:

[Mulhane]

23. Hear hear!

many of the most successful marriages would never have happened if one or both had adopted the "job applicant" approach.

[Donnachaidh]

58. no kidding -- screams of control issues, doesn't it?

:rofl:

[Deep13]

3. When I still dated I wanted...

...a nonsmoker, someone who did not want to have children and someone who either was a Democrat or willing to become one. My future met the first two criteria, but was a non-citizen at the time, so she was not in either party.

[Name removed]

4. Deleted message

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[The Velveteen Ocelot]

7. At my age and lack of aesthetic qualities I'd settle for a pulse

and no recent felony convictions.

Seriously, though, there are a few things that would be deal-breakers - I wouldn't get involved with a religious fundamentalist of any persuasion; a smoker; a right-winger; a libertarian; or anyone who doesn't like cats.

[hfojvt]

67. you didn't mention a sense of humor

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_topic&forum=439&topic_id=1301676#1305565

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

71. Oh, that goes without saying.

You'd have to have a sense of humor to hang out with me.

[nebenaube]

8. Yes, on everyone, not just those I kind of flirt with. n/t

[nc4bo]

9. If a potential partner has kids and they treat their kids badly or neglectfully

you better ask yourself how well this person will treat you.

Probably not what you were asking for, just tossing that in there since it's real commonsense stuff.

[notadmblnd]

10. They must have 3 things

A job, because I cant support you
A car, because I'm not driving your ass around
A place to live, cause they're not moving in here

But Seriously, at my age- any potential romantic relationship is practically impossible. I find most are Married, sick or otherwise broken by bad relationships.

[Name removed]

25. Deleted message

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[notadmblnd]

42. Thank you for those kind words

If you are single, I know the reason why.

[pipi_k]

11. Well I didn't used to until my third marriage

after years of bad choices.

Potential mate had to be a non-drinker (pretty much), non-drug user (totally), be financially stable (not RICH...just stable, FGS that's all I ask), feel kindly toward his mom, love animals, and be a homebody like myself. I'm sure there were other stipulations as well, but I don't remember right now.

What really sold me on the current (16 years) Mr Pip was that his ex in-laws all adored him. They still do. We see them a lot at family functions. He has a civil relationship with his ex wife and her husband (who was his best friend). And his three adult daughters think he's the best Dad in the world.


Took long enough, but the wait was worth it.

:)

[PassingFair]

12. I think I had one, but it was subconscious.

I married at 29...to a guy
who was good looking, loving,
honest, atheist, progressive
and wanted
children.

So check, check, check, check,
check, check.

After 23 years, I really can't
imagine being with anyone else.

[gkhouston]

13. LOL. The family litmus test was discovered by my oldest sister.

Anyone who's going to be more than a casual date must survive (cue dramatic music) an evening meal with our family.

No, we didn't poison the food, it's just that there was a lot of rapid-fire conversation across a broad range of subjects. If a date couldn't at least follow the conversation, he (or she) usually fell by the wayside soon after that fateful meal, assuming he hadn't run for the hills to get away from that family of damned weirdos. The ones who could keep up and contribute to the circus were keepers. One her dates (actually a man she came very close to marrying) described it as "watching a six-sided ping-pong match". The funny thing is that we've done it with the dates of my sister's kids, too, and with similar results.

[lapislzi]

14. LOL, what sold my step-sons on me

Was that I was able to go into excruciating detail about how to kill zombies. I immediately catapulted to first place in the "coolest mom ever" competition.

[gkhouston]

46. LOL, wish I'd been there. I seem to remember one boyfriend

abandoning ship after my other sister's impression of a French cow being hung for witchcraft and no, I don't remember how we got on that topic. I can never tell you how we got on any topic, I can only say that my dad always claimed that no matter where we started, we'd eventually end up talking about shit.

[JustAnotherGen]

15. I did

That's why I'm marrying a man from Europe! :rofl: Seriously - Where I live in Central NJ there aren't a lot of men on the Left. So this gem popped up a couple of years ago and he's just as liberal as can be. The only argument we had was the night we met - he thought it was Fair that American's gas prices were going up. I pointed out to him that we also pay for astronomical health care. He threw up his hands and said, "I take it back!". Match made in heaven. And he knows that if he ever votes Republican it's grounds for divorce! :rofl:

[Javaman]

16. Stages of life...

when I was young and stupid: as long as they were breathing I was just fine with that.

when I was merely young and moderately stupid: they had to be breathing and pay attention to what was being said.

when I was technically still young and was experiencing the dawning of a glimpse of a clue: They had to be breathing, could at least have one thing in common and had a reason to live.

when I was no longer young but still believed I was and thought I had a clue, but actually didn't: They had to be breathing, have a few things in common and not only had a reason to live but started supporting that concept with action.

when I was no longer young and finally stopped pretending I was and it dawned on me that while I might be getting a clue, it was the wrong clue: They had to be breathing, more than a few things in common, able to hold a conversation and had a passion for something.

when I was not young anymore and understood that I was an adult (whether I liked it or not) and the clue I thought I once had turned out to be an illusion: they had to be breathing, we shared some interests, no only had conversations, but conversations on topics that mattered and had not only a passion but actually pursued that passion as a career.

When I was finally an adult (mostly on paper but still not in mind) and my past illusions of life and the clues I thought I had seem to shift and change as I began to see life for the reality it actually is: They still had to be breathing, we saw eye to eye on many an important topic, had wonderful conversations about impassioned topics that effected our lives directly and passionately worked toward making those concepts a reality.

Now, as I am middle aged and while my young thoughts are still there, I look upon them as wonderful memories, my past illusions and clues about life have given away to reality of the stress of coming old age. I see the path of humanity laid out before me as a struggle of passion, art and peace: the person in my life while still needs to be breathing, no only shares that passion but shares it willingly with love and without question. We embrace life, cast away the frivolousness of wasted energy and concentrate on making a better world.

Do I have a clue yet? no, but I feel now that the person I'm with, shares with me a road in which we both search for that clue together. :)

[lapislzi]

17. I love your answer, javaman

I have those young thoughts as well. Sigh.

[pipi_k]

18. Well it's all good as long as

you never get to the point where they no longer have to be breathing...

[Javaman]

20. LOL! nt

[lapislzi]

22. What are you doing in my ex-husband's bathroom?

Unhand that lady at once!

[w8liftinglady]

28. LOL.... you described me to a "T"

[Dappleganger]

19. You are very lucky, then...

partnering with someone who has opposing viewpoints is definitely no bed of roses.

[Mulhane]

21. Even if you meet all the other requirements

Those who work in low-status jobs such as custodian are Untouchables, even in "Liberal" dating sites. DUer or not. Wealth and power = appeal, and higher "class" makes many overlook more idealistic considerations. I've seen it a hundred times. Some sites even state a minimum income reflecting the pay grade of a dentist or radiologist. How many aging Boomers in this shrinking economy can fit that bill? So it is that in my town I see the nicest-looking women who may not be professionals themselves choose soldiers in spite of all the reasons they will probably regret it. This is one reason many men go to the Phillipines or Latin America to find acceptance.

[lapislzi]

30. For some reason, custodians love me.

I've worked in this building for 15 years and I've seen plenty come and go. Almost every one has hit on me, despite the prominence of my wedding ring, or the periods during which I was very overweight. Is it because I say good morning to them, or try to exchange a few words in Spanish? I don't know. They're just nice men, doing a job. They deserve a greeting like everyone else. They're not invisible, at least not to me.

[flamingdem]

35. Going to Asia or Latin America for partners also means

for the most part getting more bang for ones buck.

The people I know who do that are enjoying the companionship of someone usually MUCH younger and often MUCH better looking than they are, and they enjoy the power that comes along with the financial inequality and subsequent dependence.

That is not necessarily a bad thing it's not so much about lack at home, it's about a better deal elsewhere.

[ProgressiveProfessor]

24. That has varied with time

The older I get, the more selective I have gotten, not just with partners

[closeupready]

26. Not really. Chemistry can happen between the oddest couples.

Which, I suppose, is the jist of that play/situation comedy.

I guess he has to have a working penis. Beyond that, most everything is negotiable.

[w8liftinglady]

27. yes. I have to in Texas

My ex- is your typical Limbaugh listener.

I have dated a few men...but only after ascertaining their politics.Hell,I met a couple at political rallies.
My partner right now is a die-hard Democrat,pro-union,pro-gay marriage,pro-legalization,pro-schools,veteran ex-cop current teacher.Not easy to find in the RED HELL known as Texas.

[Johonny]

29. If they turn red, I know they're an acid!

[RC]

31. To answer your question - Absolutely.

It is a learned survival technique. A defense against the facade most people put up. Some are quite good at it and you are emotionally involved before it slips and you get a glimpse of the real (usually damaged) person behind it.
Most often bad marriages are responsible. They think because the marriage has been over for some set amount of time, say 5 years, that they are now OK. Hurts cause damage. Bad hurts, especially long term, cause lots of damage that needs to be dealt with. The danger is too many people out there don't think so.

I got to the point where I would slip relevant relationship/parenting/ questions into the conversations, then later (several days) rephrase it and compare the answers. Not only did they have to be the proper answers, they had better match( the facade thing). And not be enemies with the ex, no matter who is at fault.

I finely found someone and after 3 years of dating, I retired and moved in with her 6 month ago. It is by far then best relationship I have been in. She is a keeper.

[lapislzi]

33. Yay, you

I spent years recovering from an abusive marriage, and only recently developed a sort-of friendship with my ex. If I had been more careful in the beginning, he would have been a "never-was" instead of an ex.

But, when you're young, you make excuses for behavior that's inexcusable. I know better now, and I'm married to the most wonderful man in the world.

[yella_dawg]

32. Yeah, but nobody's passed it in almost fifteen years.

Not that that's a bad thing.

[ElsewheresDaughter]

34. yes, and #1 is whatt their political stipe is.

[Sarah Ibarruri]

37. I have a story and I need some advice

I have been married, divorced, widowed, and was lonely. Someone mentioned I should get on a dating website, and I did. I put up some photos of myself, wrote a profile which was fiercely liberal and Democrat, and I specified that any right wing men need not apply. Then I waited.

Oh my God. I was overwhelmed with e-mails from right wingers, all telling me I was wrong to limit myself to lefties and Democrats, and that I had tunnel vision. I responded to each of them letting them know that I did not respect the point of view of Republicans, and that even in the unlikely chance that I would start a relationship with one, it would end up getting ugly the moment I heard something unempathetic, cruel, or nonsensical come out of their mouth. I ended up e-mailing back and forth with a lot of right wingers, and I'm still e-mailing with a few of these. At times it gets heated and we end up insulting one another. At times, it's merely an attempt at understanding or getting through. I don't like the way right wingers think. It's cruel, it's filled with fear, it's illogical, it involves a lot of fairy tales, and above all, it's punitive.

Meantime, no lefties were e-mailing me. Where are all the lefties? Don't they frequent dating websites?

In any case, one of those right wingers and I got friendly. I began to see things in him that were not so 'right wing.' For example, he thinks all hungry people should be fed, he thinks we need to pull out of the Middle East, he thinks the military budget is through the roof and that needs to stop. He's family oriented, and in that he's like me (I'm Latin, so family is paramount to me). He's also funny and makes me laugh till I cry. He's very much a gentleman, and I love that. He's a science and math guy. Last of all, he LOVES to talk, and boy, so do I.

However, recently I've been noticing things that I think I won't be able to deal with. For example, he believes many of the homeless are 'lazy,' he thinks free trade is great 'in the long run' even if it removed so many jobs from this country that we're now headed to 3rd world status at breakneck speed, and he thinks that increasing the taxes of the rich and corporations to pre-Reagan rates is very bad for the country. These are but an example of those views he holds that I feel completely different about.

I don't want to end this thing in an ugly way. Also, I really want to have a guy to go out with, have fun with, and not be lonely. I really like this right wing guy. Granted, I wouldn't be with him if I'd met some liberals and lefties. However, I don't know what to do. I'm very very committed to my ideals, and they're not right wing.

I have no clue where to go with this.

[lapislzi]

40. One good turn, Sarah!

It was actually YOUR thread yesterday that got me thinking. I should have mentioned and linked in my OP.

I have to say, that my former boyfriend's religiosity was a real turn-off. We were each in denial of the other's reality: he bought the old, insulting canard that "there are no atheists in foxholes," and I was sure that if he just involved his logical mind, he would arrive at the conclusion that supernatural beings don't exist. Then again, I way overestimated his logical brain.

Thank you for greasing the wheels of my rusty creative mind!
:toast:

[Sarah Ibarruri]

41. Ay ay! I can't stand anyone's over-religiosity either. Drives me crazy.

It must've been quite aggravating! You know, you and I should start our own dating website for liberals. Maybe that way we'll meet some really nice liberal men. :)

Is it a lot to ask to find a nice liberal guy, not too religious, very family oriented, very funny? The way I keep not finding any liberal men, you'd think I were asking for the moon.

[w8liftinglady]

43. believe it or not,I met my partner on one of those websites

Finding a liberal ... or even an old-school conservative in Texas is TOUGH.
I tried dating a few right-wingers...couldn't do it.

[Sarah Ibarruri]

44. I know! I want to know why it's so difficult to find liberal men. Where are they all??

I see them on here. I hear about them on TV. Where the heck are they hiding?

I agree on dating right wingers. It's very difficult for me, because I don't accept their ugly view of life.

[w8liftinglady]

47. a few suggestions

Volunteer with The national coalition for Homeless Veterans, Veterans For Peace, Habitat for Humanity.I met a few cool guys there.
Consider going to a Drinking Liberally get together. http://livingliberally.org/drinking/chapters/FL
I'll think of more later :)
we single chicks gotta stick together!

[Sarah Ibarruri]

51. Yes we do! Thank you! I'm going to look into all those. nt

[Manifestor_of_Light]

64. I found my guy at a Unitarian Universalist church.

Those are in the cities. There are also Fellowships, which usually do not have a fulltime minister.

Full of liberal atheists who want the community of a church without the dogma. They have TONS of discussion groups. The U-Us started out as abolitionists in the 19th century, and eventually became non-Christian. The Unitarians believed in one god and the Universalists believed in universal salvation.

When I was the Music Director at a UU Fellowship, and played the piano for services, I was so glad that I could pick ANY music I wanted to that was appropriate, and did not have to go by that artificial distinction of "Sacred" and "Secular" music.

For example, on July the 4th, I played "Of Thee I Sing, Baby" by George Gershwin.

If it's good stuff, it's sacred as far as I am concerned.

The UUs are the only non-creedal religion I have found. They have principles but no creed you have to recite.

www.uua.org

[lapislzi]

52. I may have got the last good one.

But, the Rude Pundit's single, I believe. And rather easy on the eye. I was on Geeks are Sexy for awhile, but surprisingly, there were a goodly number of conservatives.

[Sarah Ibarruri]

54. Right wingers are like ants, they're an infestation lol I only want one lib guy.

Just one! :)

[Sarah Ibarruri]

38. I K & R'd this - excellent discussion of love. Hope others K & R it nt

[malaise]

39. I never dated a man who didn't share my four loves

sports, politics, beaches and animals.

The other important criteria was whether he paid his bills on time. I hate people who don't live within their means. I loved men who would suggest a walk, a swim or a visit a free museum/gallery rather than pretend he had money, I was interested.

I have never dated a right winger. I seriously hate them - we have nothing in common.

[Hell Hath No Fury]

45. Hell yes.

If you are looking specifically for a relationship, why waste your time with someone who there is no chance of developing one with?

If the guy listens to Rush/Beck, or has a love affair with weapons, smokes, is a hunter, or has an issue with The Gays there isn't a chance in hell I would want to be with him for the long haul and I wouldn't waste my (or his) time. If he likes to golf while I instead like to ride a bike, I think that is the sort of "differences" that can be bridged fairly easily and even expand each persons world.

[shanti]

48. absolutely

i make it clear where i stand politically and spiritually in the beginning. at 55, i have no time to waste ;-)

[kiranon]

50. Agree. n/t

[sudopod]

49. It is very important for my romantic partners to have a neutral pH.

I also hear that proper pH balance is very important with respect to proper selection of underarm deodorant. I wouldn't date anyone who would steal deodorant. Once you find an unidentified hair in your toiletries, all trust is forever shattered.

In conclusion, it is very important to focus on the big picture: RE love.

[Kermitt Gribble]

53. Congrats on finding your DUer husband!

DU should have a dating forum...

[Sarah Ibarruri]

55. That's an excellent idea! I'll bet it would attract a lot of people, too. nt

[Kermitt Gribble]

72. I think it would, too.

Lots of us singles out here. Knowing someone's political leanings would be a huge obstacle out of the way..

[lapislzi]

57. He's a lurker and a linker

Doesn't post much here but tweets up a storm on the #p2 tags.

We were actually high school sweethearts. I know, disgusting, isn't it? He looked me up on Facebook. I was very wary. It was the middle of '08 and I was a raw nerve. Facebook was a battle zone during the election. I was so relieved when he sent me to his blog, I think I fell in love with him on the spot.

[Kermitt Gribble]

73. Not disgusting, kinda cute, actually..

Amazing how much the attraction increases or decreases over politics! I used to talk about DU with my last girlfriend - she wasn't very political and claimed to be middle of the road. One day, she told me she checked out DU because I talked about it so much. She said "there are a lot of crazies on that site" lol! I didn't ask her to elaborate because I was afraid of hearing some right wing bs. It didn't affect our breaking up, but definitely felt like a slap in the face!

Congrats, again, on you and your high school sweetheart - I think that's awesome!

[shanti]

60. i've always wondered why it hasn't had one

Skinner?

[The Second Stone]

56. No republicans, no smoking

and still living.

[struggle4progress]

59. I carry litmus paper with me everywhere and regularly try to test random strangers

Some seem more tolerant of this than others

[Liberal_in_LA]

61. No rightwingers, no bigots, no fools

[geardaddy]

62. I've dated women who were republicans

and I know that's a big reason why I'm no longer dating them. My current SO of 8+ years is as liberal as they get. She's heavenly!

[Edweird]

63. Not really. Either we 'click' or we don't. Just about everything is negotiable

under the right circumstances.

[JackDragna]

65. Yes, if only to prevent both of us a lot of headaches.

I am not going to get along with someone overly religious, overly conservative or someone who generally isn't interested in trying new things. I mean, we don't have to climb Mt. Everest every day, but I'm not the type of person who wants to go to the same places to eat, do the same things on the weekend and so on.

[lunatica]

66. Absolutely after two failed marriages

Love isn't blind for long. Both relationships were abusive. One was physically abusive and the other was emotionally abusive. The happiest years of my life have been the last 16 after my divorce. No relationships have ensued in those years and I'm happy that way.

[Buns_of_Fire]

68. "Breathing" is high on my list, but I'm not a real stickler about it... nt

[frogmarch]

69. 45+ years ago I wouldn’t have married

mr. froggy if he’d been a racist, an evangelical Christian or other religious wacko, not wanted children, not loved animals, made fun of or hated gays and lesbians, was boastful, materialistic, possessive and controlling, or a lying two-timer. if I were a young woman today looking for someone to date, I’d reject the same kind of guys I rejected then.

[HipChick]

70. Background check + attendance at a Progressive event..

I dated a guy for nearly 6 months...he slowly unravelled himself to be a cloaked Teabagger...Left Leaning Indie my butt..