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The email context: To my brother, telling him of what was wrong with my daughter’s car and also that our sister’s good mood was over and she was a ‘terror’ again of late. Innocent remarks, and typical of my style of writing to family. But I was born in America, so my writing is often flippant and filled with word play. Generally, the word play is deliberate and amusing to kith and kin.
But am I still in America? Woke from a bad dream a bit ago and find I am unable to get back to sleep. There is a history of prescient dreams among the females of my clan.
In my recent dream, I had been thrown in prison for no explainable reason. All sorts of strange circumstances were preventing my scheduled court appearances and formal charges. Finally, several of us prisoners and a few of our guards were involved in a near fatal accident. It made the guards really question what they had been told about us all.
The dream kept on going. Usually one wakes up at the part of the near fatal experience. Not this time. In this dream, the guards took the few of us to a place that was not in the plan of their superiors. The guards needed to buy a bit of time to think things through and understand what nearly happened, which actually was no accident. But I knew there was nothing they could do to save us, or themselves. I knew we were going to be killed and no one would ever know the truth.
It was a very frightening dream.
There was another dream earlier, and it might relate to those innocent remarks in that email to my brother last evening. In that dream, I said something to my husband and it hurt his feelings, just a bit. In that dream he said. “Do you know what you just said?” He was so sad and so serious. That was all there was to that dream. “Do you know what you just said?” It was the accusation of my id made to my ego. 'You got us in deep shit with your careless language now, Bozo!'
Am I in America? Is this the America of my birth and formative years? Why did I have bad dreams and upon waking, realize they were from fear that two words used in an email to my brother may have tripped a machine that would alert men with dark suits and hearts that I was a possible threat to their twisted world view?
I do not fear dark men far away. Men who pray to the same God as my neighbors, but through a method taught by a different prophet. Those men do not give me concern.
I do fear men who wear dark and serve the god of profit, men whose only true belief is power.
I woke in terror because I used that very word. I woke in a place that is foreign to me.
Should I go missing, it would be something if one or two of you noticed. It would be good to have you wonder. If someone would send a message my daughter, that would be a kindness. Someone tell tom_paine to use common sense.
I was born in America and grew up playing with words.
Dear friends, dear God, where am I now that realizing what I said about my daughter’s car and sister’s behavior should give me night terrors?
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