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The Republican Penis Scandal (Political Satire)
A shocking new Bomb Shell for Republicans. With all the bad news about the Iraq War and the Presidents sagging poll... A shocking new Bomb Shell for Republicans. With all the bad news about the Iraq War and the Presidents sagging poll numbers the Republicans face another scandal. A leading newspaper will release a major story concerning some of the leading Republican penis sizes. A reporter was able to obtain medical records of over 100 leading politicians and Cabinet members in Washington.
While searching threw the records the reporter noticed a strange record, penis and scrotum size. After speaking with several Dr's the reporter was able to verify this was a standard examination note. As one Dr said "when your examining the leaders of the Free World you exam everything". The Dr went on to say that this type of information can be used for later exams to see if there is any uncommon growths which may indicate testicular cancer or other maladies. The Doctor's nurse Betty Jenkins sarcastically added, "If there was any abnormal growth for these guys it would be a miracle."
Upon further review of the records the reporter noticed something else strange; all of the conservative Republicans had exceptionally small penises as compared to other politicians.
Late yesterday afternoon this reporter was tipped off about a secret meeting by leading Republicans to develop a strategy to deal with this story. I was able to sneak into the meeting area and snap some pictures of the discussion and this is what I overheard.
The discussion was heated and tense at times.
President Bush was very upset that the world would find out he was only 1 ½ inches "What will the world think of me" the President asked the group?
The Reverend Jerry Falwell postulated that maybe the group could put a spin on it by linking small penises to "Conservative Christian Values" and link large penises to the "Devil". He thought this would work well with Southern Christians who were a bit racist. Given the stereotype that all black men have large penises the group could have campaign emphasizing the large number of black men in the Democratic Party thus demonizing the Democrats. The Reverend went on to say that maybe he could get someone like Pat Robertson to claim that Jesus was small. Many in the group liked this idea. It was agreed by all to further explore this idea further
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger suggested that the group should all go to gym and pump up. Women will often overlook a small muscle down there for big muscles elsewhere. It was decided there was not enough time to pump everyone up in time for the mid-term elections.
Condoleezza Rice was asked what was a good penis size and how it might affect the female vote in the elections. Ms Rice stretched her fingers to indicate a good size it was apparent that most of the men in the room did not measure up by the look on their faces. She thought as far as the female vote it would hurt them. Bill Friest spoke up and said "His wife said that size did not matter and he thought most women felt this way". Ms Rice responded "What women say and what women want are two different things". Friest looked puzzled by her response.
Vice President Cheney thought that the group would not be hurt with the NASCAR crowd especially the ones who drove pick up trucks with guns in the back. After all he just shot a friend how more manly can you get, the Vice President asked? John Ashcroft pointed out that he thought many of them drove big pick up trucks because they had small penises. Tom Rich stated they might not want to be identified with the "small penis party" because of their "Macho" attitudes. This concerned the group. The Vice President volunteered to shoot someone else right before the elections. The group tabled that idea.
Dennis Hastert pointed out why should it matter at all? He said he hadn't had sex in years and his wife seemed happy. Bill O'Reilly pointed out that for the Speakers age group that was fine but the Republicans could not win without the younger female vote who may not be satisfied. Karl Rove made the point when Republican Spokeswomen like Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin appear in front of cameras that often appear bitter and angry. Rove went on to say that this could be perceived that their not getting enough. T he group decided to have Bill O'Reilly call them and discuss using dildos before appearances to take the edge off. O'Reilly is a dildo excerpt and loves calling people on the phone.
The President spoke up and asked is this really a problem and asked everyone to use their fingers to show how large they were. After the show of fingers I could hear Karl Rove telling the President this is going to be crisis.
Sean Hanitty tried to claim he had 5 inches hard to which Bill O'Reilly responded, "Try 3 inches Shawn". Hanitty quipped back "You have a Whopping 2 inches Falafel Man". The discussion then broke down into bickering about penis size. Bob Barr challenged Ann Coulter to a cock off to which Ann responded, "I don't have a cock Bob", Barr quipped back, "You could have fooled me".
The group ended the heated discussion and decided to meet in a few days to come up with more ideas.
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