cutting urges and why am I holding back for again?

[undergroundpanther]

I dunno what it is, but for two weeks I've wanted to hit the xactos,and cut.I have gotten damn close to doing it too but I manage not to.Dunno how tho..I have been cut free for almost a year,I think..
On top of the cutting thing..
I am having other really weird shit happening to me. My Meds have not changed.Having nightmares with disturbing strangeness.

And I have been having almost hallucinatory experiences too.One example is hearing the phone ring, when I know it isn't ringing, like an echo ring repeating long after I have already hung it up.
I am not sure if it's ringing appears to originate from inside my head or outside of my head.There are other hallucination-like things happening too.

Today I had a really weird day. In the morning/afternoon I felt ok just tired and kinda dissociated. Later I was at Spin peer support house,and I felt this terrible lethargy,out of the blue nail me.I felt like I was gonna conk out so I got up went outside on the porch to get fresh air..

One of my friends was out there already hanging out. I sat in a chair and I could hardly hold my head up or my eyes open, my body was so uncoordinated. I sat down and suddenly I swear I could taste thorazine,it tasted like when I was forced to drink it in little plastic cups years ago. That same unmistakable bitter, burning chemically taste with a hint of orange juice in it.Ugh.

As I sat there,everything faded in and out from a whiteness.I looked at my sore arms and they looked a bit red,suddenly I felt a bunch of stings in my upper arms and in my hips. It felt like needles,it started as I was trying to lift myself out of the fugue. That is why I went out there to begin with .

My friend got concerned and came over to talk to me.I could barely pronounce words..She also noticed my arms were red,as she looked at them she said she saw clusters of red dots and she asked me if I was allergic I said no, she felt my arms and said she felt hard lumps under my skin,like how you have after an injection.

I had said nothing about having the feeling of injections to her yet I had just thunk it.So I felt them too because I could not believe it either, and I was kinda weirded out. I felt it and it felt and looked just like how my arms do just after I get shots in them in real life. It was like I had some weird ass psych ward stigmata. When I lifted my hands to feel my own arms for the lumps I noticed red marks on my wrists where restraints were put there over and over long ago. I also had one red streak across my breastbone/shoulder area that was more vivid red where other restraints were put during the cold sheet packs I went through long ago.This particular spot was "rug burnt" by the big webbing straps that hold the wet sheets. . My friend noticed the red marks too before I said anything about that.It felt like I was thinking with a brain made of mud. On the ride home I just sat there barely moving.It was horrible.

That was earlier today. I got home I crashed for a few hours and forced myself to eat and to go online to DO something.I have been awake more today than I was awake for the entire three day weekend. I kid you not!.I am still really lethargic my body is really sore especially my upper arms they both are wrapped up in ace bandages now,it makes it feel slightly less sore.

On top of all that,I am so unmotivated, have felt like this for around 2 weeks but now it is worse.I do my routines and I feel frustrated by it.Memorial day weekend broke the routine up and I felt frustrated by that. it's like choosing between being lethargic, restless and bored away from home doing nothing or being bored,restless and lethargic at home doing nothing. I want to clean the kitchen floor but I just can't motivate myself to just get it done.At least the dishes get done everyday,I can do that.

This lethargy etc.is why I have not been online much.I dunno what the hell I want. Regardless, it feels like time is distorted and I feel so disconnected. I am so indecisive right now. Usually I make decisions and that's it,move on. This kind of state I am in I haven't dealt with it for a very long time maybe years.I want to go to sleep again.For the last three days or so I have slept way more than usual,like around 10-12 hours! I usually sleep 4-6 hours my sleep pattern has been that way since childhood..I don't feel sick physically at all.So that's not the reason.
Something weird is going on with my head and I don't like it one bit.I don't see my therapist until I think, the 29th. sigh.

Anyone got thoughts on what I should do? Does anyone know about any people with complex PSTD/DID getting physical marks from past events re-appearing years later on their own skin so distinctly that OTHER PEOPLE know what it is? Has it happened to anyone else here?

[hedgehog]

1. I'm not a doctor, and I don't know if you have a good doctor right now.

Clearly you're dealing with stuff that even most of us can't imagine. I think you can tell that cutting is bad for you even if it gives a moment's release. Try to step to one side and ask you which actions bring you to a happier, healthier life and which take you away. Write them down, and refer to your checklist when you're in distress. TAlk to your therapist and take care of yourself.