Have you ever wondered why you are single?

[yvr girl]

I must admit that I look around a world full of couples and wonder 'What's wrong with me?' I'm generally pretty nice, I don't smell bad, reasonably smart and funny, not too needy, not Cindy Crawford, but not troll-like either.

Down deep I know it can be partially blamed on my tendency to either be buried in work or to be a virtual hermit. And let's not get into my mortal fear of being hurt and rejected...

I know I can't be the only one. sigh.

Happy Valentine's Day.

[Tektonik]

1. I don't wonder

I'm shy, goofy, and the type of guys I like and am attracted to are always straight and end up being friends.

I also come off as being straight to anyone who does not know me personally.

I may as well be the second coming of Morrissey, if only I had a good voice :P.

[treestar]

2. No. Straight women have to be single at least part of their lives

In the old days it was either/or, and you had to be an old maid or married. Nowadays, you just have to have periods of singlehood, increasing as you get older, finally permanent since women always outlive men. We are made of sterner stuff!

There is nothing wrong with being single!

[Critters2]

4. My dad has outlived my mother. He points out how many more

social options there are for widowed women than men.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

5. Widowed women have more social options than widowed men?

Confused as to why that is.

[Critters2]

8. Things like church events for women, stuff like that.

Because there are more widowed women than men. My dad is an oddity. Most women outlive their husbands.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

10. That is why he should have his pick of dates --

if he is ready, I mean.

[Critters2]

11. He clearly isn't thinking about that. So, I suppose he isn't ready.

He's thrown himself into his volunteer work at the Humane Society shelter and done some traveling. But, I do worry about him getting lonely.

[Tuesday Afternoon]

13. oh...okay. He needs a support group or a fishing buddy, maybe

You know, a friend to hang with. Good that he is volunteering. He has you :loveya:

[Critters2]

18. He's started going to one of the restaurants in town, late in the morning

when a bunch of retired farmers just sit around having coffee and talking. He's a retired ag engineer, designed farm machinery, so he speaks the lingo. He seems to enjoy that. In the town that I served in Iowa, there were groups like this at every restaurant in town, some morning koffe klatches, some afternoon. Some women, some men. Some retired farmers, some retired teachers, some retired business people. I learned who went to which one, and if I needed to talk to a parishioner, I learned that koffee klatch might be the best time to find 'em.

Apparently, the same thing happens where my dad is.

[treestar]

6. My granddad outlived grandmom by 21 years!

He was made of some very tough stuff.

And his mind stayed intact to the very end!

[Critters2]

9. My mom died of a brain tumor. The kind she had, a glioblastoma,

can happen to people at any age. She died at 73, and was three years older than my dad. He's 73 now, and in good shape.

[Turbineguy]

34. My Friend's wife died from that

she was 50.

She was a wonderful woman. A music teacher.

[Bucky]

63. I love all the responses to your post citing exceptions to the tendency of women to live longer

"My grampa outlived my granma, therefor your so-called statistical likelihood of women living longer than men is false!"

:eyes:

[Critters2]

3. My siblings are both single, too. So, yeah, I wonder

why nature pulled us out of the gene pool. I do genealogy, and often think about the fact that there will be no generations in the future wondering about my life as I do my ancestors.

I try to leave my mark in other ways.

[JVS]

7. Because I'm an asshole. I can own that and be OK with it.

[elana i am]

36. ditto

well, i don't think i'm an asshole, but other people do because i tend to think they're assholes. it's because the older i get the more misanthropic i get.

[Bucky]

The point is to embrace your inner asshole. Love your asshole.

You have a good asshole on your shoulders.

[Swede]

12. Sure,I do.

If I knew,I suppose I wouldn't be single.

[EFerrari]

14. I know why I'm single. I pick partners that are remote

and after a while, I can't deal with it. Or, something like that.

It used to seem to me that the more people strain to find a partner to couple with, the more they manage to push away what may be coming towards them. Who knows if that's really true, but it feels as though it might be.

Anyway, what's on teevee tonight? :)

[Lady Effingbroke]

15. I used to, now I don't care.

Going to the trouble of finding an SO seems like a big pain in the ass, plus I am lazy as hell.

Happy Valentine's Day. :hug:

[Xipe Totec]

16. I don't know your age

I was married at age 27.

My wife was 31 then.



We have been married 27 years...

[no name no slogan]

21. I got married the day after my 27th birthday

...and got divorced (on paper) a couple weeks before my wife's 37th birthday. It all works out in the end.

[Xipe Totec]

55. Attrition

is a bitch.

Some of us make it,

some of us don't,

and some of us just grit our teeth and tough it out.

[RadiationTherapy]

39. That is a calculator watch. *stunned*

[Xipe Totec]

41. And I actually used it!

Trigonometric functions, logarithms, base conversion...

Yes... as a matter of fact, I am a rocket scientists...

[RadiationTherapy]

54. Vast, amber waves of kickass!

[Cabcere]

78. Sweet

:hi: I like to tell people that I'm not a rocket scientist, but I used to date one (the on-again/off-again b/f has a degree in aerospace engineering). ;)

[Deja Q]

17. Yup.

A number of factors.

Boiled down to Asperger's Syndrome and PTSD.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

19. I know why.

I'm weird, shy, and dorky. And now I'm old, too, which doesn't help. Oh, well; at least I don't have to put up with anybody else's weird dorkiness.

[charlie and algernon]

20. nope, I suck at picking up the signals and hints

I also suck at small talk and flirting.

[Mike 03]

22. Not for a second. I know why I'm single.

I was with my (edit) second girlfriend (that cliche "college sweethearts") for thirteen years. We married. Then we divorced. Then I was with my third girlfriend for about a year. The breakup was so traumatic I took a break. Then I realized I enjoyed living alone and, not only that, but I've become eccentric. I like to get up at two in the morning and go to bed very early.

Not only that, but I've watched as every single relationship (with one exception) that I have observed my friends and relatives to have have imploded. It happens again, again, again, and again. I can even predict, almost to the month, when a couple I know is going to break up.

I never say "never," but I am doubtful that I'll ever be in a serious relationship again. Sometimes I do think it would be nice to be with someone, but I try to talk myself out of that kind of thinking. I've mastered the art of sending "stay away" vibes. Perhaps to my own detriment. But who knows what the future holds?

Happy Valentine's Day to you and everyone else who is alone tonight.

[InvisibleTouch]

35. Heh, that sounds familiar.

I do those "stay away" vibes too. I've had several friends comment on it - that it's just very very clear from my manner that I'm "not in the market." Which is not to say I've been celebate all these years, or that I'm not occasionally attracted to someone, but I just don't go for complicated entanglements. I too am eccentric in my own way, and I enjoy my solitude too much to imagine giving it up.

[Mike 03]

61. Same here, exactly. You expressed my sentiments to a "T".

Even when I am attracted to someone, I put almost no effort into letting her know I'm attracted to her.

One of these days, I will probably care again. But just not now, or not yet.

Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.

[Fire Walk With Me]

23. No.

[abq e streeter]

24. Sometimes yes, but I know that being short and shy has contributed

Many women I meet expect me to be the same dynamic guy they see on stage, but in "real life' I'm pretty quiet and introspective. But outside of being short, I'm not half bad looking, have kept myself in tremendous physical shape for a guy in his 50's, pretty damn funny, and intelligent... I guess my creator had other plans for me, but not having ever settled down and had a family is probably my single greatest regret. Didn't avoid it either; far from it, it just never happened, and I still dare ( sometimes, on my more hopeful days) to hope that its still not too late...

[Manifestor_of_Light]

75. Short is OK, dude!!

Yes it is.

Women who think men should all be taller than they are, I think, are unrealistic.

I'm short (five foot three) and I do not like tall guys (six feet or over) because I feel intimidated. Lots of tall guys enjoy intimidating shorter people. I think that is reprehensible.

I had tall parents and tall uncles & aunts on both sides.

My guy is five foot eight. Just fine for me.

[ScreamingMeemie]

25. No. I know why I am.

Happy Valentines Day. I love you and don't think you smell bad.

[no name no slogan]

26. RIght after my divorce, I did.

But now, for the first time in my nearly 40 years, I'm quite content to be alone and not with somebody. I have more time, it's less stressful in most ways, and for some reason I seem to have all this money I never have when I'm dating somebody.

Life is alright, even without a partner.

[buzzycrumbhunger]

27. Wonder? No.

I work graveyard. From home. I'm practically invisible. My kids are gone and my dog just died. And 20-some years with an emotionally abusive arsehole apparently means I've still got eons of internal pep talks before I feel secure enough to even risk letting someone close enough to damage me again. I'm working on it, but a lot of that hinges on finishing school and getting into a real job out of this weird world I'm stuck in.

Usually, I keep busy enough to ignore the sucky stuff, but this weekend it seems everywhere I go, I'm slapped in the face with reminders. I suppose I should just buy a froufrou dog to carry in my purse and slap on the red lipstick and old lady perfume right now. Might be less painful than another 20 years of expectations. :eyes:

[Mike 03]

28. Another problem: Because I met my first SOs just in the course of life and school, I never

learned the skills of dating. In fact, I've never been on a date in my life.

[Skittles]

29. I think about a dozen guys have asked me to marry them

I never felt the need to torment a man in that way

[Mike 03]

32. That reminds me of that line by Roy Scheider in the movie ALL THAT JAZZ about why

he never remarried:

"Because I never met a woman I wanted to torture that much."

[Skittles]

38. weird thing is

all those guys got married, had kids, then end up calling me in the middle of the night saying they should have worked harder on me. WTF?

[Mike 03]

71. LOL.... Just to be totally honest, some times I do miss being

with another person.

[InvisibleTouch]

30. Not at all.

There's a Bangles song (I think) which is called "Single by Choice," which pretty much describes me. :) Long-term serious relationships are just waaaaay more trouble than they're worth.

[oedura]

31. I'm apparently the worst person to ever walk the Earth since Hitler...

That's the vibe I'm getting, anyway.

[Jamastiene]

46. No, that's my title.

I make Hitler look like Santa Claus.

[crispini]

33. Yes. I do wonder.

I always seem to be dating guys who don't want to get married, or dating guys who I don't want to marry. I mean, I know I'm very self-sufficient and I'm sure that hasn't helped. But I'm basically a nice person, fairly easy to get along with, smart, funny, enjoy guys, etc. I think I just missed a window or something and now it's just too late.

[Jamastiene]

37. Yes.

I feel like I must really be a loser most of the time because of it too. Nobody wants a mate more than I do, but nobody stands less chance of getting that mate than I do either. I'm screwn. :(

[nomorenomore08]

40. Sure, but there's really no definitive answer to the question.

I get so raging pissed-off at myself sometimes, because even though I'm only 24, I feel like I've already missed out on a hell of a lot in life just by being so inept, especially socially. The worst part is that people (especially women) think I'm *such a nice guy*, and always want to be my friend despite my general introversion, but deep down I know I'm really not such a good person, and might very well mistreat anyone I was with. Lack of confidence/self-esteem, combined with anger issues, seems to be a real killer for me. And I don't know of any panacea, let alone cure, that doesn't come in a bottle, a rolling paper, or a pill.

The thing of it, though, is that I have friends who are just as fucked-up in their own ways as me, if not worse, and yet they've all managed to have some sort of relationship with the opposite sex, whereas I've never been able to get past (or bypass entirely) the "friend" stage. Maybe I'm just an ugly motherfucker, with my lack of interpersonal skills as the deal-sealer. :P

/Wah, wah, look at me, I'm depressed! :eyes:

[nomorenomore08]

42. Oops... meant to post this under the "Ever wonder why you're single?" thread.

I'm not groping for attention, I'm really not! I swear! :P

[JVS]

49. This is fucked up. I answered in this subthread in the other thread and my reply popped up here too

[taterguy]

50. I replied here and my posts pop up in the other thread

[JVS]

53. Well those people in the other thread sure are a bunch of lonely hearted saps, eh?

If they only knew the power of the booze.

[taterguy]

56. I wonder if this will work in other threads

Sure would save a lot of time

[begin_within]

80. I think this thread's title is the most poetic of any thread here in years.

[nomorenomore08]

81. It works for almost anything you can think of...

I mean, how many of the "big questions" in life really do have definitive answers? Maybe that's part of what makes them "big questions" in the first place.

[taterguy]

43. Booze is the answer

Lots of it

[nomorenomore08]

44. Ahh! A man after my own heart!

:hi:

[JVS]

45. Good to see you at work spreading the faith!

[nomorenomore08]

47. I'm already an indoctrinated believer. No need to proselytize me!

:)

[northzax]

84. beer goggles work both ways

just sayin' trust me, I'm a professional. I see both men and women punching WAY above their weight on a regular basis.

[Jamastiene]

52. Wow, we can recommend individual posts now?

Oh, God, you could have been describing me when you said, "I don't know of any panacea, let alone cure, that doesn't come in a bottle, a rolling paper, or a pill."

There are not enough drugs in the world for me. I always want more.

[Bucky]

79. You have to learn to compartmentalize your emotions, then suppress them with alcohol & cruelty

Also start smoking. It will make you cool and get you invited to secret parties.

[Bucky]

82. kik

:dem:

[TheManInTheMac]

83. What always worked for me was walking into the bar and licking my eyebrows. ;-)

[Bucky]

85. never post stuff like this on the internet

It never dies.

[MedleyMisty]

86. Are you my brother-in-law?

He's in his early/mid 20s and I don't think he's ever had a serious girlfriend. He is a nice guy, but he can be a bit overbearing sometimes. Also I think he tends to hang with his friends and doesn't ever really meet new people.

I can give you my observations, as a very introverted female who married an even more introverted guy who definitely has self-esteem issues, but I don't know if they'll help any.

Maybe it would help to think of it not as getting past the friend stage, but building on the friend stage. My husband and I were friends for a month before I asked him out, and he says that he had to think about it a while because he "didn't want to ruin the friendship." To quote Spock (lol) - he has been and always shall be my friend. Hell, I tell him he's my best friend two or three times a day usually.

And you know - I don't think we even held hands until we'd been going out for a week, and I think we'd been going out for maybe a month before our first kiss.

I don't know - you're right, there are no definitive answers. There are no rules, no formula, no set list of directions to follow to find your soulmate or even just a person for right now.

All I can say is that I found my soulmate by random happenstance, and I was open to it when it came. I didn't have expectations or a checklist or any preconceived frames that he had to fit. I just met this dude at college who was really cool and into the same things I was into and I could tell he liked me too so I asked him out - and in September we'll have been together for ten years and married for seven.

And of course you're going to mistreat a significant other - everyone does at some point. What matters is admitting to it and learning from your mistake and growing, and that can take a lot of practice and time. I guess it's just a matter of finding someone who is patient and loves you enough to put up with your mistakes and grow with you.

Good luck, and I hope you find that person.

[Bucky]

87. I'll never let you forget this.

ever.

[Bucky]

88. It's like God Herself doesn't want this thread to die

Every time I click on Lounge Page #21, there it is again! Nomorenomore08 just can't be that ugly.

[Bucky]

89. Is it just me?

Why do I see this thread every time I click on Page 21 in the Lounge? Is this an act of God or is there some function of DU that keeps this pointless thread even more pointlessly kicked?

[unpossibles]

90. Don't let it get to you; use it as a way to change what you don't like about yourself

I'm also considerably older than you are, but I used to feel the same way sometimes. What's funny is, when people ask me if I wish I were younger again, I tell them "hell no!" because I've learned to enjoy life more, be more confident, how to communicate better, and to trust my instincts more.

Nothing wrong with being down on yourself sometimes, but use it as a way to make positive changes in your life instead of wallowing in self-pity.

[Bucky]

91. Time will heal most wounds...

if only this thread would go away so easily

[Bucky]

92. Now I believe it is destiny that this thread live where all those sex and kudzu threads died.

God bless America and God bless DU.

[Bucky]

93. Again!

[applegrove]

48. I never feel so alone as I do when I'm talking to someone who isn't a good listener. If fact

I can't talk to anyone who isn't a great listener. I have a disability. I can talk in big groups or I can talk to someone who can handle someone quiet. So I haven't dated much and don't regret it. Just the way I am built. Nothing wrong with my thinking but it doesn't translate verbally unless I am with an active listener or a group. And men are rarely active listeners. I don't want to join a commune. And I'm not a lesbian. So I remain happily single.

[TK421]

51. Sure...lots of times, but I won't drive myself crazy over it

I figure there must be a reason

[RadiationTherapy]

57. Yeah, I had to stop 'being myself'. Everyone told me to just 'be myself', but who I was

had no plot-line; no direction.

I had to transform myself and my attitudes. I think 'be yourself' is terrible advice.

[JVS]

58. Fake it till you make it, baby!

:thumbsup:

[RadiationTherapy]

59. Image management. It is SO real.

[JVS]

65. Self-fashioning. Definitely the way to go.

If only parents knew to tell kids not to be themselves but to be phony with everyone they come in contact with.

[RadiationTherapy]

68. Yeah. It was a great idea for me to cling to the

pasty-fat-kid-who-reads-fantasy-books image that was "me". I never should have tried things that weren't "me" like playing music, traveling, flirting, laughing and taking things lightly. I am still intense and prone to alone time, but make it a point to relax and chill with people.

[SPKrazy]

60. no you aren't

i know why i'm single, i'm just not sure what it is about me....

[Bucky]

62. This should be a poll

option 1 - no one is good enough for me
option 2 - I say no one is good enough for me, but really I fear I'm not good enough for anyone else
option 3 - I just haven't driven through the right toll booth yet

[Jamastiene]

Nice post, smartass.

[nomorenomore08]

66. "Seymour! I don't want you driving through tunnels! You know what that symbolizes!"

But in all seriousness, I think you about nailed it right there, maybe not for me but for single folks in general. And yeah, I've been through the self-pitying "I'm not good enough for anyone!" routine more times than I'd like to count.

[JVS]

69. What about option 4

"de quibus autem scripsistis bonum est homini mulierem non tangere" -- Paulus Apostolus

[lizerdbits]

64. Nope

Almost 15 years of dating is why I live with a cat. Plus the thought of having someone I'm involved with living with me just doesn't sound like fun. Too much people time.

[Vanje]

67. Cuz they dont allow people like me to get married?

nt

[Hissyspit]

70. yvr girl!

I thought you were dead! LOL

Admittedly, I don't hang around in the Lounge much anymore.

Happy Valentine's Day!

[yvr girl]

72. Look at all those hearts

You sure are popular.

I've been mostly absent lately.

Good to see you (post in my thread.)

[Hissyspit]

74. Two years ago I had like two hearts.

People liked my photo threads from Denver and the Inauguration, I guess.

I was googling trying to find the psychological theories on individuals and romantic attachments, but I can't really find what I'm looking for. It was categorization on whether you were married, single, etc. There are different types and combinations of individuals and their motivations. Best I could end up with was from Wikipedia:

The conventional view in biology is that there are two major drives in love: sexual attraction and attachment.The traditional psychological view sees love as being a combination of companionate love and passionate love. Passionate love is intense longing, and is often accompanied by physiological arousal (shortness of breath, rapid heart rate); companionate love is affection and a feeling of intimacy not accompanied by physiological arousal.

Theories on Interpersonal Relationships: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interpersonal_relationship

Psychologists have suggested that all humans have a motivational drive to form and maintain caring interpersonal relationships. According to this view, people need both stable relationships and satisfying interactions with the people in those relationships. If either of these two ingredients is missing, people will begin to feel anxious, lonely, depressed, and unhappy.

According to attachment theory, relationships can be viewed in terms of attachment styles that develop dample, one partner may be securely attached while the other is anxious and avoidant. Thus, early childhood experience (primarily with parents) is believed to have long lasting effects on all future relationships.

Social exchange theory interprets relationships in terms of exchanged benefits. It predicts that people regard relationships in terms of rewards obtained from the relationship, as well as potential rewards from alternate relationships.<4> Equity theory stems from a criticism of social exchange theory and suggests that people care about more than just maximizing rewards. They also want fairness and equity in their relationships.

Relational dialectics regards relationships not as static entities, but as continuing processes, forever changing. This approach sees constant tension in the negotiation of three main issues: autonomy vs. connection, novelty vs. predictability, and openness vs. closedness.

Who we are in relationship to these drives and how we prioritize them is what I was trying to get at - the WHY one is the person one is with regards to intimate relationships - but I couldn't find what I was looking for (hah, irony alert).

The fact that I am doing all this I guess answers the question of whether I've ever thought about. :-)

Anyway, whomever I ended up with would have to put up with my eleven cats.

[kwassa]

73. I got married for the first time at age 46

not that there weren't other relationships, some long, before that..

I spent a good chunk of my life before that single and alone, however.

Long gaps between relationships. The last gap was about 5 years.

So, take heart. All things are possible.

[Lucian]

76. Nope.

I'm exactly like you in that I'm also a virtual hermit and I have a fear of rejection.

Sigh.

:(

[DarkTirade]

77. Nope, I know why. Virtual hermit, buried in work, AND I'm really picky.

:)