My attitude sucks today. Here goes:

[rbnyc]

I hate this stupid fucking LIMP! I hate this stupid fucking LIMP! I hate this stupid fucking LIMP! I hate this stupid fucking LIMP! I hate this stupid fucking LIMP! I hate this stupid fucking LIMP!

I hate the stupid fucking abnormal tissue on my stupid fucking colon. I hate my stupid fucking ulcer. I hate the stupid fucking piece of my stomach that’s popping up into my stupid fucking deformed esophagus. I hate the stupid fucking small bowel diagnostic I have to have on my next stupid fucking day off. I hate having blood drawn. I hate biopsies. I hate IVs. I hate anything that ends in oscopy. But most of all I hate this stupid fucking LIMP!

When I was pregnant, I felt so healthy. I felt amazing, athletic even. Then WHAM! My life is an endless medical hell. For the most part, I’ve actually been a pretty good sport. But today my attitude sucks, and I’m gonna let it suck.

For those of you who are going through your own hell, and I know you’re out there because I’ve written “I’m so sorry.” And “That’s so sad.” in a lot of Lounge threads lately, I hope that you will not feel guilty, I hope that you will not feel like a buzzkill, or that it’s selfish to post your woes in the Lounge. And above all I hope you will not feel that no one cares.

The Lounge is for yaks, and silly polls, random questions and captions. But it’s also for you and I to get this heinous shit off our chests.

So go ahead. Woes? Post’m if you got’m.

Tomorrow I’ll do a Count Our Blessings thread. But right now, I’m gonna sit back, and get really, really, really, really, BAKED!

Thank You So Much My Amazing DU Friends.

Now let’s GRIPE!

:grr:

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

1. I would hate it too!

Rant on til it's all gone!

[rbnyc]

3. Thanks babe.

You know what else sucks. It's hard to feel sexy after the doctor shoves a tube up your butt.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

9. don't tell that to people with an enema fetish

:evilgrin:

[rbnyc]

21. I hadn't thought of that.

Hmmmmm....

:evilgrin:

[amazona]

2. don't think I can outdo that!

My day went well and I really can't think of anything to gripe about on the personal front. But let me send you some good vibes if it helps any!

[rbnyc]

5. Thanks.

I'm actually smiling already.

[BiggJawn]

4. Get baked like a cookie and let it out.

Even the strongest gotta go "Why MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE??????" once a while!
:hug:

[rbnyc]

6. No doubt!

Sometimes I get so mad, I just want to put my cane through someone's windsheild.

But now I'm cozy in the Lounge. :smoke: And my husband just flew in and out and gave me a big kiss on his way. And you're all here.

Feeling better pretty fast.

:)

[THUNDER HANDS]

7. aww, I hope you feel better soon

I have the sniffles, if I can gripe about that. :D

[rbnyc]

12. sniffles suck!

You're in!

:loveya:

[latebloomer]

8. That sucks, honey

Is all that a result of the accident?

[rbnyc]

15. Actually,

It may be a lucky thing that I was in the accident. When I had the CAT scan, they saw something on my colon, but they couldn't tell if it was really anything. So they said to have it checked out when I was up and around again. It turns out to be something. We're still not sure what the cause is. But it's all stuff that's probably better to find out about now before it turns into something worse. So I should feel lucky, I guess.

Thanks, hon, for being there.

[thom1102]

10. ......

:hug:

There was an album I had when I was a kid... Free to be You and Me, by Marlo Thomas and Friends, and one of the songs on it was Rosie Greer (big, burly, manly football player who was not afraid to let his sensitive side show) sang "It's alright to cry." And I know that you are not sad, but angry, but I mention it, because it is alright to hate the limp, and the tubes, and anything ending in oscopy, and ulcers, and deformed esophagus, etc. This is a shitty situation, and it's alright to be angry about it.

Oh, and btw, it's also alright to get baked
:-)

[rbnyc]

18. You are so cool!

All the way home I was just fuming. It's so great to have ya'll to come home to.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

11. I love that ba-bump noise you make when you walk on wooden floors, tho

I think it's cute :D

[rbnyc]

14. LOL

You're the best. I can't wait to meet you in person and give you a big kiss!

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

17. Can't wait to get it

;-) Love ya honey.

[Dookus]

13. ((((HUG))))

Sorry you're going through all this.... it WILL get better.

[rbnyc]

19. Thanks Dookus.

On the up side, we have new music software and I should be able to figure out how to upload my songs soon. Then I can share my music with everyone.

:loveya:

[SOteric]

16. Aww, sweetie...

[rbnyc]

20. Aww.

Sweet gif.

:loveya:

[Zomby Woof]

22. *hug*

Ok... my gripe...

CAN I GET A PERMANENT JOB SOMETIME??? I have been either unemployed or temporarily working since 9/24/01, and I AM SICK OF IT.

I am QUALIFIED. I SHOW UP EVERY DAY. I AM A DREAM EMPLOYEE, who is smart, funny, and flexible!!! People love working with me because I get it done right, and I make it fun.

I am SICK of being passed over for younger, dumber, and less qualified people because "they deserve a start". :puke:

Fuck, if they are so great, why do I see a posting for the same job 3 weeks later??? FUCKERS.

Ok, and fuck Bush, he sucks ass to let the fucking economy go down the :hurts:

[rbnyc]

24. Good rant. And I don't know why!!

Life makes NO SENSE!! I don't blame you for being sick of it. It's ridiculous that someone like you doesn't have his pick of jobs.

Bush Blows!

[buddhamama]

23. gripe away,Rene

with everything you have been thru, i'm amazed at your positive attitude.

most people would not hold up so well.

you're a sweetie! :loveya: :hug:

[rbnyc]

25. hugs buddhamama!

I'm amazed that you can see that I usually have a positive attitude sinse I do so much griping in the Lounge. ;-)

[mvd]

26. I don't blame you at all

The lounge is for ranting, too. I understand completely. It's what DU friends are for. :-)

[rbnyc]

27. Hey mvd.

I can't wait until the next DU gathering. I hope loads of DUers come to NYC to protest the Republican Convention. It would be so great to meet you. We've been friends for a while now, haven't we? I just saw your three little initials and a tear came to my eye. Thanks for responding in this thread and for being a pal from way back. I know I kind of sound like a dork, but I don't know how to explain the true feeling of friendship that just came ringing out of your reply.

:hi:

EDIT: typo. it was a funny one too.

:smoke:

[flama]

28. Just noticed a hangnail

I hate hangnails. I'm hating my fingernails, too, since it's almost winter and they're breaking every time I move.

Last night I gashed my thumb on a tuna can because my arthitic fingers couldn't open the refrigerator container of chili. That's OK, though. The gash matches the paper cut on the index finger of the same hand.

Did you say LIMP? I had one most of the day today and part of yesterday. Damned sciatica!

My teeth are falling apart. My nails are breaking. My spine wants to implode upon itself. And I've got seriously bad hair. All things considered, I'm in pretty good shape for the shape I'm in. (Always said if I'd known I'd live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself. It's catch up time I guess.)

Know what really makes me mad? The fact that your father and I let you have that piece of enchillada with LaVictoria Salsa Brava when you begged for it from your high chair. The fact that I wasn't always there for you when you needed a hug - or a hundred dollars. The fact that I could not afford to rent a car and get lost on Long Island for your wedding. If you didn't have to meet me at the airport and bring me to meet your in-laws, you wouldn't have that LIMP today.

Though I can't say I've really hated anyone in my entire life, I've come close with that ditzy blonde who sped through that intersection, giving you that LIMP. I've spent some days - and nights - wishing I could get my hands, long jagged nails and all, around her throat. Then I remember Karma. Something bad is sure to happen to her when she least expects it and needs it even less than that. Nature usually has a way of evening the score.

I'm looking forward to tomorrow's thread. You only get two guesses at my favorite blessing.

:loveya:

Ma

[rbnyc]

29. You're always there for me.

You don't have to worry about that. And the accident was NOT YOUR FAULT.

And I love you.

And that was an awesome gripe.

And I'm spamming the lounge now. Did you notice?

How did your cookies come out?

:loveya: :loveya: :loveya:

[flama]

65. Awesome gripe?

Wait until tomorrow. We're going to have a freeze! Windchill numbers in Florida suck.

You know, I just realized how many times people have started talking to me by saying, "Rene's OK." It usually means that you're not. Like the time you got pepper in your eyes and the mother of one of your girlfriends washed it out - then called me to say, "Rene's OK." Or the time when you were 12 and that 16-year-old boy wanted to take away the basketball you were playing with and dropped you to the ground, sat on your chest, and pounded you in the face until he broke your nose - and you returned the favor by breaking his finger. The mother of the basketball's owner got home before her son or daughter (the one you were waiting for), patched you up, and called me to say, "Rene's OK. But her jacket's not." You weren't OK either. You had a broken nose and cracked, or at least bruised, ribs. (Your jacket was shredded and bloody. You were outgrowing it anyway.)

Then your FIL knocked on the door to wake me up that night last July and said, "Rene's OK." I knew you weren't.

The cookies? Well, the first six burned a little - only on the bottoms and around the edges. The recipe said 12 minutes, but they only needed 8. The rest came out great! Next time I'll throw in an extra spoonful of peanut butter and see what happens.

:loveya: :loveya: :loveya:

Ma

P.S. I know the accident wasn't my fault. I'm just what-iffing my hair gray. Ya know what else I know? Rene's OK!

[salin]

39. Flama... your words hit my spine

with a tingle of pain. My words may mean little, but I can't help myself. If you are going to take the weight of responsibility for anything... please let it not be a small part in a cruel act of fate that was only playing a role in timing. There is no responsibility in that. It sucks. It causes pain. But there should be no weight on your shoulders.

If you need to take responsibility for anything, let it instead be the role you have played in nurturing and fostering this amazing woman to become who she is today. The woman who has impressed me - long before the tragedy with her selflessness, her humanity, her compassion, her passion, her wisdom and her unique artistic talent/flair. The woman whose handling of having the most wonderful events in life (new life, life commitment to another) marred at the last moment by a senseless tragedy - and had dealt with the juxtoposition of joy and mourning/loss and unexpected serious physical ailments with a stunning sense of groundedness, strength, perspective and continued commtiment to self and others. Wow. What a lady. The role you played in fostering the growth of this incredible person... THAT is where you should let the weight of responsibility fall.

Not to say that you shouldn't be angry and experience the continuous gamut of emotions associated with loving, supporting and watching the pain of Rene. No way to prevent that. But when the temptation is there to translate that empathetic pain... into guilt/responsibility... let it be balanced instead by dwelling in the warmth of the lady who is Rene... and the role you have and continue to play in supporting her.

[flama]

66. Your words mean much, salin

You're right. The only responsibilities I should dwell on are the good ones. The bad ones can be corrected and the imaginary ones should be erased, deleted.

I'm proud of my daughter - and of her friends here at DU. I'm not quite sure what I did right for her to end up the magical person she is. If there's a secret to it, I raised her like a puppy until she was old enough to talk. Then I let her grow like a weed with only a little pruning now and then. (A weed is just a plant that grows where you didn't plant it. ;-) And now she's growing in Brooklyn. Maybe I should have looked at her as a tree.)

My heart swells and my eyes go misty when I remember that day when she was three and brought me a little book she had drawn. She asked me to help her because she could write most of the letters but couldn't make the words. I made the words for her and then we stitched the book together. We wrote side by side many times after that. I miss writing at the kitchen table with her.

When Rene bemoaned the fact she had no brothers or sisters and didn't want to be an only child, I told her the truth. She was (and still is) a perfect daughter. Another child could never be as wonderful and might have been a disappointment. (The rest of the truth was that I had to work to support us and couldn't afford to give her a brother or sister. I think she figured that out on her own.)

I'm going to fold laundry now. Think I'll be feeling a little bit like George Bailey and be glad that I was born - so Rene could be born, too.

Thank you, salin.

:loveya:

Ma

[GOPisEvil]

30. Hey you! I hate your limp too, dammit!

But, I love you! :hug::*:pals:

[rbnyc]

31. I love you too dammit!

And now I'm silly as all hell!

:crazy:

[salin]

32. Vent/gripe: I think it absolutely completely frickin' totally bites

that lifes capricious nasty knocks came on the heels of such wonderous events for our dear friend Rene. Sucks sucks sucks sucks sucks! I defy those frickin' tragedies of life - because while it sucks sucks sucks sucks.... it has not killed the spirit, integrity, and selflessness of our dear friend Rene. So screw you frickin limp... go to hell abnormal tissue and ulcer... go suck eggs stinging esophogous... eat shit stupid bowel diagnostic exam that eats up precious days off... and go roll in a pile of illegal new york dog droppings ivs, any-oscopies, and that stupid limp!

Rene - vent as you need - sometimes anger and frustration is healthy. I would rarely suggest to folks to get angry at the moment and even dwell in it... as it is easy to get stuck there. But you, my friend, have not let it get you stuck... for if it had you never would have left that space for the past many months. Geez girl if anyone deserves some good old fashion rage and some self-pity... it is you... work through it... and figure out some frickin indulgent thing that you can do for yourself.. just because - you deserve it... and plan it - wallow in it and enjoy the heck out of it.

Do what you need to do. Getting through - however you need to manage it - is what is important. I am with you regardless.

For what it is worth - your strength - and your humaness - continue to awe and inspire me. While we have never met, I have never heard your voice in person, I have come to hear your written voice over a couple of years and have found comfort, acceptance, beauty, and inspiration. And that inspiration came long before these tragedies and witnessing how you have dealt with them... but it (the inspiration) just keeps growing on different levels for different reasons. While we are just friends through this cyber community, I can honestly say that I am a better person for having met you.

[rbnyc]

34. Wow that was great!

You got me breathing heavy with that one. Thank you SO MUCH! You are totally on my side! That rules!

I feel the same way about you, salin. We'll meet one of these days.

Thanks again so very much.

:loveya:

[salin]

40. I am on your side!

As are many others. You rock, lady! And you help the rest of us to keep rocking on as well.

Please know that I say little gratuitously. I always attempt to be kind and tempered in statements, but that I never say what I do not mean. That is - I don't say "nice things" just to make someone feel better. My words are heartfelt.

Somewhere, somehow, sometime... we will meet in person. I look forward to it. :hugs: :loveya:

[ScreamingMeemie]

33. Awwww rbnyc..you go right on ahead and rant, because it sucks

when life just doesn't seem fair. I'll be thinking of you as you deal with this stuff. To make you giggle...the last time I was in the hospital for a small bowel study, I also had to have a lower G.I. the next day...but they couldn't get the dang barium out of my system...so they made me sit there for two days while they poured every conceivable "clean out" potion into me trying to get rid of it. It wasn't funny then, but I laugh now.

Remember, you are still you...you are still loved.

I'll let you in on a little secret...I'm limping with you. I broke my ankle last week. (by walking wrong, would you believe?) I wasn't going to post it here in the lounge and demonstrate my klutziness yet again. But it's hidden here. ;) Here is hoping that while I will heal...so shall you.

You have, and always will have, my very best. You are a wonderful, sweet, woman...compassionate and caring, and my only hope that is all the best in life soon comes your way. You have earned it, tenfold

:loveya:
Laura

[rbnyc]

35. Oh man! They make you drink some nasty stuff, don't they?

I'm so sorry about your ankle. How bad was the break? Having a cast sucks.

Laura, thanks so much for being with me and thanks for the sweet post.

[ScreamingMeemie]

36. Not bad at all. Nothing compared to what you have gone through

girl! If anyone deserves a day of anger and rage, it is you.

I just got a little teensy crack. :)

[Skittles]

37. well bless your heart, sweetie pie

you hang in there

[rbnyc]

38. Thanks skittles.

Still haven't had a cigarette.

:)

[Throckmorton]

41. I love you rbnyc,

Mrs. Throckmorton had a similar rant about her esophegeal cancer last night, I love her too.

[rbnyc]

42. Thanks. Please say hi to Mrs. Throckmorton too.

I hope, hope, hope, we're catching all this stuff before it becomes cancer. I wish you both all the best.

Thank you so much.

:loveya: :loveya: :loveya: :loveya:

[LynneSin]

43. Abbie and I are sending kitty karma to you

Abbie has great Kitty Karma, even if he does keep me awake all night.

Look at him - how can he not be an ambassador of love and good karma to all



That's my baby - Abbie!!!

[rbnyc]

44. So cute!

I'm so glad you got a kitty!

And thanks for the love, Lynne. You're the best!

[Brewman_Jax]

45. If you're gonna get baked...

here's a bottle of the good stuff. I keep a bottle handy. Cheers!

[rbnyc]

51. That IS the good stuff.

Cheers!

[commander bunnypants]

46. limps do suck

I have been limping for 15 years, screwing up my knees, ankles, hips. I am with you my firend.

Merry Christmas my friend.

DDQM

[rbnyc]

52. Merry Christmas Demman.

Knee injuries are the worst!

Today while I was Christmas shopping, someone yelled at a woman with a cane for being too slow. I almost lost it!

Well, cheers, my friend. Here's to us gettin' around the best we can.

:toast:

[geniph]

47. Car accidents are the worst fucking thing

in one second of someone else's inattention or incredible stupidity, your life can go from wonderful to a living hell. I know what it's like to have that happen, although I think the results of your accident were far worse than any I've been in. But, gawd, it's enough to make you want never to get in a fucking car again.

I'm so sorry, Rene. May health find you again, soon. Remember we are here, we understand, and we care.

[rbnyc]

53. Thanks geniph.

Also, these problems with my digestive system we probably wouldn;t have found if I hadn't had a CAT scan due to the accident, so maybe there is a positive side. I mean the pain and linp are worth it if it saves me from developing cancer. I get my biopsy results on Tuesday.

[Shanty Oilish]

48. Defiance is a good thing

You got wrath, you're not beaten.
On the worst day of my life (so far) I put on some oldies and danced by myself. Believe it or not, that helped.
If your legs don't work, just wiggle the top half and show the world you are bloody but unbowed.
Find stuff that makes you laugh out loud, that helps too.
Since it's a colon, try to eat while you're amused and amusic'ed.
Never give up.
Better days coming, darlin'---meanwhile defy the gods.
(((((((((((((rbnyc)))))))))))))))))

[rbnyc]

54. Thanks darlin'.

Wigglin' the top half is good.

:)

[nini]

49. Be pissed...

you've gone through alot of crap and I remember the f'ing frustration back when I had my wreck. We can only be so damned positive so much.. We need days to mourn what we have lost - for you, not only your physical strength but your child :-(


Yes, you do have alot to be grateful for but you also are justified to be fed up and just plain old pissed off too. Know that all of us wish we could be there to give out hugs and knock a few back with you.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[rbnyc]

55. You're with me.

And it means a lot to me!

:hug:

[plcdude]

50. well I guess

you just need to be healed, now don't tell anyone about this okay?

[rbnyc]

56. okay!

let's go!

:)

[foxy]

57. I'm not sure if this will help but it helped me

"Gonna Change The World"

I wanna change the world
But I know I have to start with me
Can you help me?

When your world is closin'
Like it's comin' at ya
When you're in the darkest corner
I'm the one who'll come and catch ya

When your life is wanderin'
Down some nowhere highway
Try a different point of view and
Do your best to see things my way

Lookin' down., there is brother facin' brother
Dyin' one by one
But from the ground you can look up at the stars
And see the words 'I love you' painted high above you

Gonna change the world
Gonna make it right
Gonna get down on my knees tonight
Gonna change it all
Gonna find a way
Gonna start to change the world today

There is not a book that
You cannot rewrite
When you're in the darkest corner
All you do is shine your light and

When the other guy is
Bigger than the sky
Just before he's gonna hit ya
You can always try and smile cos

All around, hear a million lonely people
As the say "Goodbye"
Yet there's the sound of a world that's full of laughter
Because now I know I'm better at "Hello" and

Gonna change the world
Gonna make it right
Gonna get down on my knees tonight
Gonna change it all
Gonna find a way
Gonna start to change the world today

When something is wrong, only we can turn it around
So give me your hand, my brother and walk together
Cos we've got a mountain to climb

Change the world today

Gonna change the world
Gonna make it right
Gonna get down on my knees tonight
Gonna change it all
Gonna find a way
Gonna start to change the world today

---------------------
Hope you get to feeling better soon rbnyc
:)

[rbnyc]

58. Thanks, foxy.

:)

[foxy]

59. You're very welcome

I hope it helps a little. I think you're a great person rbnyc and you are going to be in our prayers from now on. Mainly because I mentioned this in front of my 3 yr old. now she says we are going to pray that you feel better. She also prayed for you while you were in the hospital.

[rbnyc]

60. Oh, that's just amazing.

Now I KNOW my biopsy is going to be negative. Please tell your daughter that I said thank you.

[foxy]

61. I sure will

I'll be posting some pics soon I hope. She is just a little trip altogether. Kids are great.

[Interrobang]

62. It's ok to be angry once in a while!

You know what, rbnyc? It's ok to be mad every now and then. In fact, it's quite cathartic. I think I'll join you, because I've just had one hell of a scare, and if I don't do something positive about it, I won't stop shaking and twitching for hours.

I have cerebral palsy. I have a limp, too. And I hate it. I hate my fucking limp too...a lot. It's never going to go away completely, I'm always going to have to work twice as hard to be half as physically good at *everything* -- from eating and breathing to running and playing sports -- and I'm always going to be in some pain. My joints ache almost constantly because my tendons are kind of like guitar strings that have been tuned five tones too sharp. I hate winter, because I seize up, and I ache. It's snowing. Last March, after an ice storm, I dislocated my kneecap, so now I'm not only spasmodic, but I'm paranoid about doing it again.

I'm funny-looking. My feet are all twisted and abnormal, my thighs are hypertrophied and my calves are atrophied, and I had the misfortune to be built with extra-long legs and a little short torso!

Because I have spastic quadriplegia, I twitch a lot. I'm clumsy. When I get nervous, excited, or scared, I start looking like I'm in the last stage of Parkinson's Disease. Right now, I can barely type because I just had a nasty scare. The trolls from the maroon bank were after me again, and I was so scared that they'd fucked up my application for interest relief on my student loan, that I just about went into a rictus. It turns out that they just wanted to let me know that they got my papers, but they scared me green. I'll be ok...in a couple of hours.

So, I hear you. It's ok to let it out; we're all gimps here. (It's also ok to have Gimp Pride.)

Take care, dance with the top half if you must, swing your cane at annoying people on the sidewalk, and don't let the bastards grind you down. Oh yeah, and never, *ever* let anyone treat you like you're dumb because you're disabled. (Hit 'em with a clue-by-four.)

[rbnyc]

63. Thanks so much for sharing your experience.

We should have gimp pride day. I'm glad to be in company with you!

I hate dealing with banks and financial stuff too. That stuff wigs me out.

Best of luck to you, and thanks again for your post and perspective.

:hi:

[Susang]

64. Have you considered wearing an eyepatch....

And talking like a pirate? You could tell everybody that you really have a wooden leg and they'd probably believe you, especially if you got a parrot to sit on your shoulder when you tell them! :evilgrin:

Seriously, it sucks to feel shitty and be a slave to your body. I've got some physical issues of my own that I've been dealing with, though not as traumatic as yours, and it really blows. You just want to go back to when every other thought wasn't about your body or health. I hope you're getting lots of love and attention from all of those who care about you 'cause you deserve it! :loveya: