is no Whitewater
by Paul Winkelmann
This just in from Texas: Economic collapse destroys the lives
of thousands as Enron Corp succumbs to financial fraudulence.
By the grace of God, Chairman Kenneth Lay and all board members
President Bush has courageously not named Enron Corp executives
as unindicted co-conspirators of the most costly and criminally
brazen one-company pile-up our country has ever seen. The
White House issued a press release that effectively cleared
Corporate Greed and Conservative Ideology as contributing
factors to the devastation, even as billions upon billions
of employee and investor dollars went up in a twisted fiery
ball of molten Republicans.
Right-wing paramedics were immediately dispatched away from
the scene of the destruction. They were last spotted, heroically
fleeing the smoldering wreckage of what once was Enron Corp.
A RNC Emergency Response Squad quickly took in the breadth
of the calamity and determined that The Realm was in mortal
jeopardy. The still spinning skeletal remnants, gushing combustibles,
and airborne hypocrisies, all inevitable results of our President's
unmandated agenda, were swirling dangerously close to the
The Heir must be protected.
Sighs of relief could be heard as reports surfaced from the
Supreme Court that The Five Justices have issued a "writ
of idiotus protectionium". This writ reportedly supersedes
the Constitution and mandates that a consensus of 9/10ths
of our government's most prominent Republican officials must
be reached before Congress can commission a legitimate investigation
into Bush's relationship with Enron, Enron subsidiaries, or
any other energy related company. Phony-baloney investigations
are still sanctioned and even encouraged by the Justices'
George II, Ari Fleischer, and Rush Limbaugh promptly set
up a remote Alibi Triage Unit to administer treatment to the
most critically afflicted GOP members and also to browbeat
overly curious eyewitnesses.
First to be treated was Enron confidant and benefactor, Dick
Cheney. Bush selflessly authorized the use of Marine-One to
safely Medi-vac Cheney away from the burning ruins (and from
the always life-threatening and ever present "liberal
media"). Dick and his portfolio are reportedly licking
their wounds in the inner bowels of the super secret "National
Security" recovery bunker (just recently used by the
VP when he scurried away from those nasty terrorists, who
we are all bravely standing up to).
Those ticketed passengers of Mr. Lay, who weren't so
directly damaged in the collision, were marched, lockstep,
off to the comforting…oh so comforting, O.R. green rooms
of FAUX Memorial Critical Care Studios.
Stated Objective: Receive emergency care for politically
singed extremities, make contact with and converse with native
friendlies (O'Reilly, Hannity, North, et al), and supply
an anesthetically soothing alternative to the accurate account
of the Bush administration's incestuous relationship
with Enron Chairman Kenneth Lay.
FAUX's chief physician, Dr. Rupert Murdoch, was overheard
instructing his newly arrived patients, "Remember men,
when that camera light comes on, your bureaucratic health
depends on the public swallowing one nasty tasting placebo.
You've got to make them suspend the concept of reality
and ignore the fact that Bush gave his favorite, and most
generous, campaign contributor, the keys to the economy, a
twelve-pack of high octane Red, White, & Blue Lager, access
to all your official stationary, and then sent him off to
the Millionaires Ball, aimed southbound in the northbound
investor lanes." Dr. Murdoch concluded," If this
prescription doesn't take effect immediately and you
begin to feel some heat, any heat at all, take down two Clintons
and call me in the morning."
As fingers were reluctantly being pointed at Enron's
chief, Rush Limbaugh gallantly stood in the center of the
carnage, proclaiming the obvious guilt of the thousands of
victims who failed to get out of Mr. Lay's blundering
way. "Clearly," Rush ranted, "Mr. Lay obeyed
the rules of the road. Hell, he wrote the rules of the road."
Miraculously, when Lay rammed head-on into the oncoming bankruptcy,
he was able to bail out, unharmed, landing gently on his golden
"It's not his fault," Rush added, "that
he's a Top 1 percenter, a true Pioneer if you will,
and can afford all the optional safety equipment. If you want
your ride to be just as protected as his, you're just
going to have to get off your lazy, Clinton loving, welfare
asses, and work for it."
Meanwhile, Ari Fleischer tended to a confused White House
Press Corp by providing assurances, several dozen assurances
in fact, that Bush was left particularly unscathed by the
demise of Enron.
"The President was no where near the accident scene.
"He only heard about the accident in "the fall".
Mr. Fleischer refused repeated requests to pinpoint the actual
date beyond "the fall". Ari continued, "The
President couldn't pick out Mr. Lay in a line-up."
And "No, I have no knowledge as to why the President's
panties were found at the scene, in the backseat of Mr. Lay's
The impromptu press conference abruptly ended when an AP
reporter asked Mr. Fleischer if the Enron wreck didn't
show some similarities to the Whitewater tragedy.
Ari glared at the reporter and screeched, "Of course
not. Ex-President Clinton lost money. Mr. Clinton did not
have his energy policy scripted by Enron. Mr. Clinton's
VP wasn't the one refusing the GAO's legal instruction
to turn over documents pertaining to Enron. Arthur Anderson
LLP did not, I repeat, did not audit and then shred or otherwise
destroy Mrs. Clinton's files. President Bush did not
have consummated oral sex with that man, Mr. Lay."
"And John Ashcroft, Paul O'Neill, Peter Fisher,
Karl Rove, Donald L. Evans, and Dick Cheney are all members
of the current administration. So, you tell me, smarty-pants,
how could they possibly not inform President Clinton that
Mr. Lay was inappropriately contacting them with insider information,
just as he was cashing out of Enron, when they had a responsibility
to not inform their own boss, President Bush, that Mr. Lay
was inappropriately contacting them with insider information,
just as he was cashing out of Enron?"
Mr. Fleischer concluded with, "As you can see by my
examples, this situation is completely different from Whitewater.
It's as clear as Houston's atmosphere, that President
Bush has kept his promise to bring his own brand of honor
and respect back to the White House."
Mr. Fleischer then stormed off the podium.
As we go to press, no one unassociated with the Bush administration
has been extradited alive from the debris of Enron Corp.