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Shootout
at the Freeker Constitutional Convention
July 14, 2001
by
Art Bushwald
They were interesting times, living up to the full potential
of the proverbial Chinese curse. Political divisiveness in
the country was running high... so high, in fact, that a rather
eccentric group calling themselves the Freekers began to openly
talk of seceding from the Union and forming their own republic.
So sure were they that their so-called "red states" were going
to break away from the rest of the country, that they even
arranged to hold their own Constitutional Convention, in Pistolwhip,
Texas.
To start the festivities, there was a magnificent parade
down Main Street that featured overweight, pasty-faced men
proudly carrying the old Stars and Bars, while others brandished
six-shooters and bandoleers. After that awe-inspiring display
of chest-thumping, the beer flowed freely out of the backs
of battered pick-up trucks as the Hooverville Band played
their own special rendition of 'Dixie'.
Although some of the top names in Freekerdom, like Sandy
Sauls and Cruella Harris, had decided to pull out of the convention
at the last minute due to "schedule conflicts", there was
still a star-studded delegation, which included such Freeker
dignitaries as Guns-R-Me, Pistol-packin' Maniac, and Rifleman666.
To protect themselves from any jack-booted, blue-helmeted
UN thugs that might be coming to attack them in black helicopters,
all delegates had been instructed to bring as many weapons
as they could to the convention. And what an arsenal it was!
Everything from Glocks and Uzis to grenade launchers and bazookas
was represented there.
Inside the convention hall, there was an air of intense excitement
as the chairman of the convention, the white-hooded GunNutFromHell,
opened the meeting that would establish the basic laws of
the proposed new republic.
"My fellow freedom lovers," he thundered, to whoops and cheers
from the crowd, "before we open our glorious convention for
freedom, let it be resolved here and now that the name of
our new country shall henceforth be 'The New Free Republic
of the Old Confederacy'. Are there any objections?"
"Yes, I object!" shouted Patriot1776. "The term 'Old Confederacy'
conjures up images that are not redolent of the free society
that we are trying to establish. I therefore propose that
we strike 'Old Confederacy' from our name."
"What are you, some sort of intellekchual liberal wacko?!"
shrieked HowitzerMan, who grabbed a Magnum 357 out of his
pocket and blew away the unfortunate objector.
"Any more objections?" asked the chairman, looking around
at a sea of approving faces. "No? OK, then, the motion is
passed. Now let's get to the preamble. As you might know,
any Constitution needs a preamble to state its basic purposes,
and so I have thoughtfully written one for your consideration:
'We the Ruling Elite of the New Free Republic, in order to
form a more isolationist, paranoid, and intolerant Union,
establish injustice, insure domestic instability, provide
for our own defense, promote the corporate welfare, and secure
the blessings of liberty only to people like ourselves, do
ordain and establish this Constitution for the New Free Republic
of the Old Confederacy."
"An excellent preamble!" cried a delegate named FreekinGunFreek.
"It truly makes me feel proud to be part of this magnaminous
meeting of the finest minds in Freekerdom. But, if I might
ask, could you include something in the preamble about our
most important and fundamental right - the right to bear arms?"
"Fellow freedom lover, that will indeed be the most fundamental
right in what will be our new republic," bellowed Chairman
GunNut, as he shot off a few rounds at the ceiling with his
tommy gun. "An armed society is a free society! An armed society
is a safe society! That is why this most sacred of freedoms
will be explicitly mentioned in amendments 1 through 10 of
our Bill of Rights, and in any amendment that may be added
thereafter."
After the obligatory chorus of whoops and foot-stomping had
subsided, the chairman continued. "Are there any other proposals?"
"I propose we outlaw the name 'Clinton' in our new republic!"
screamed GunTotingClintonHater. "Clinton was the most evil
cretin of all time! The servant of the devil!"
"Clinton wasn't such a bad president," countered a young
delegate named CollegeRepug. "I think he actually did many
good things for our country..."
"Another commie infiltrator!" screamed Shellcase Shelly.
And before you could say 'Jim-Bob Robinson', CollegeRepug
met the same fate as the unfortunate Patriot.
And so it went for the rest of the convention. Some proposed
constitutional articles were agreed upon with relatively little
bloodshed, such as naming the capital of the new country "Reagangrad"
and requiring a huge statue of "The Gipper" to be prominently
displayed in the squares of all county seats. Most proposals,
however, such as suggestions for securing the rights of women
and minorities, incited extremely violent and tragic confrontations
until the proposals - and their proposers - were eventually
shot down.
As a result, the initially large gathering of delegates was
soon reduced to a mere handful of heavily armed survivors.
But the most difficult part of the convention was yet to come
- devising some sort of scheme for selecting the new nation's
leader. Some delegates thought that it would be best to have
a president who was elected by the population at large. Others
insisted that there should be a president elected by all white
male adults who could prove they owned at least five firearms.
Still others fervently believed that it would be great for
the new nation to be some sort of "compassionate dictatorship".
Tempers flared, then someone fired what later came to be
known as "The shot heard 'round Pistolwhip". The ensuing volley
of armor-piercing bullets was as intense as in any gang war.
When it was all over, only one delegate remained standing.
"I humbly accept my new position as leader of the New Free
Republic," proclaimed Dumbya2004 to the mass of bodies that
lay upon the convention floor. "Like I said before, it would
be great if this country was a dictatorship, but only if I
was dictator..."
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