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Shootout at the Freeker Constitutional Convention
July 14, 2001
by Art Bushwald

They were interesting times, living up to the full potential of the proverbial Chinese curse. Political divisiveness in the country was running high... so high, in fact, that a rather eccentric group calling themselves the Freekers began to openly talk of seceding from the Union and forming their own republic. So sure were they that their so-called "red states" were going to break away from the rest of the country, that they even arranged to hold their own Constitutional Convention, in Pistolwhip, Texas.

To start the festivities, there was a magnificent parade down Main Street that featured overweight, pasty-faced men proudly carrying the old Stars and Bars, while others brandished six-shooters and bandoleers. After that awe-inspiring display of chest-thumping, the beer flowed freely out of the backs of battered pick-up trucks as the Hooverville Band played their own special rendition of 'Dixie'.

Although some of the top names in Freekerdom, like Sandy Sauls and Cruella Harris, had decided to pull out of the convention at the last minute due to "schedule conflicts", there was still a star-studded delegation, which included such Freeker dignitaries as Guns-R-Me, Pistol-packin' Maniac, and Rifleman666. To protect themselves from any jack-booted, blue-helmeted UN thugs that might be coming to attack them in black helicopters, all delegates had been instructed to bring as many weapons as they could to the convention. And what an arsenal it was! Everything from Glocks and Uzis to grenade launchers and bazookas was represented there.

Inside the convention hall, there was an air of intense excitement as the chairman of the convention, the white-hooded GunNutFromHell, opened the meeting that would establish the basic laws of the proposed new republic.

"My fellow freedom lovers," he thundered, to whoops and cheers from the crowd, "before we open our glorious convention for freedom, let it be resolved here and now that the name of our new country shall henceforth be 'The New Free Republic of the Old Confederacy'. Are there any objections?"

"Yes, I object!" shouted Patriot1776. "The term 'Old Confederacy' conjures up images that are not redolent of the free society that we are trying to establish. I therefore propose that we strike 'Old Confederacy' from our name."

"What are you, some sort of intellekchual liberal wacko?!" shrieked HowitzerMan, who grabbed a Magnum 357 out of his pocket and blew away the unfortunate objector.

"Any more objections?" asked the chairman, looking around at a sea of approving faces. "No? OK, then, the motion is passed. Now let's get to the preamble. As you might know, any Constitution needs a preamble to state its basic purposes, and so I have thoughtfully written one for your consideration: 'We the Ruling Elite of the New Free Republic, in order to form a more isolationist, paranoid, and intolerant Union, establish injustice, insure domestic instability, provide for our own defense, promote the corporate welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty only to people like ourselves, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the New Free Republic of the Old Confederacy."

"An excellent preamble!" cried a delegate named FreekinGunFreek. "It truly makes me feel proud to be part of this magnaminous meeting of the finest minds in Freekerdom. But, if I might ask, could you include something in the preamble about our most important and fundamental right - the right to bear arms?"

"Fellow freedom lover, that will indeed be the most fundamental right in what will be our new republic," bellowed Chairman GunNut, as he shot off a few rounds at the ceiling with his tommy gun. "An armed society is a free society! An armed society is a safe society! That is why this most sacred of freedoms will be explicitly mentioned in amendments 1 through 10 of our Bill of Rights, and in any amendment that may be added thereafter."

After the obligatory chorus of whoops and foot-stomping had subsided, the chairman continued. "Are there any other proposals?"

"I propose we outlaw the name 'Clinton' in our new republic!" screamed GunTotingClintonHater. "Clinton was the most evil cretin of all time! The servant of the devil!"

"Clinton wasn't such a bad president," countered a young delegate named CollegeRepug. "I think he actually did many good things for our country..."

"Another commie infiltrator!" screamed Shellcase Shelly. And before you could say 'Jim-Bob Robinson', CollegeRepug met the same fate as the unfortunate Patriot.

And so it went for the rest of the convention. Some proposed constitutional articles were agreed upon with relatively little bloodshed, such as naming the capital of the new country "Reagangrad" and requiring a huge statue of "The Gipper" to be prominently displayed in the squares of all county seats. Most proposals, however, such as suggestions for securing the rights of women and minorities, incited extremely violent and tragic confrontations until the proposals - and their proposers - were eventually shot down.

As a result, the initially large gathering of delegates was soon reduced to a mere handful of heavily armed survivors. But the most difficult part of the convention was yet to come - devising some sort of scheme for selecting the new nation's leader. Some delegates thought that it would be best to have a president who was elected by the population at large. Others insisted that there should be a president elected by all white male adults who could prove they owned at least five firearms. Still others fervently believed that it would be great for the new nation to be some sort of "compassionate dictatorship".

Tempers flared, then someone fired what later came to be known as "The shot heard 'round Pistolwhip". The ensuing volley of armor-piercing bullets was as intense as in any gang war. When it was all over, only one delegate remained standing.

"I humbly accept my new position as leader of the New Free Republic," proclaimed Dumbya2004 to the mass of bodies that lay upon the convention floor. "Like I said before, it would be great if this country was a dictatorship, but only if I was dictator..."


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