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Conservatism Is Curable
May 16, 2001
by birdman

A new study completed by Dr. James Pritchard of the University of Chicago indicates that political conservatism can be corrected if the patient desires to change. In fact Pritchard claims that his unorthodox therapy methods can even produce results in some of the most extreme cases.

Melissa McQuinn, 37, remembers how the members of the local school board used to cringe and roll their eyes when she walked into the meetings. "I used to tell them that America was a Christian country and because they weren't allowing the kids to pray or telling them that gays were evil predators that they were going to burn in hell and I'd be sitting in up heaven watching them glowing like the coals in a barbecue."

McQuinn decided she needed Dr. Pritchard's therapy after a protest at a local abortion clinic. "A pregnant woman drove down the block and I threw myself onto the hood of her car screaming 'Don't kill your baby'. The police actually had to sedate me with a needle in my ass to get me off the windshield - and here the poor woman was only going to the 7-11 store down the street."

Pritchard had McQuinn work as a waitress in a diner and try to earn enough money to support three kids on her own. "It was a revelation," she says, "at the end of two weeks I was wearing a push-up bra to get better tips." Then Pritchard told her to imagine she was pregnant again. That did the trick. Today McQuinn runs a condom and sex toys boutique.

Paul Davis, 28, was the manager of a New York sweatshop that produced cheap clothing while employing illegal Asian aliens. "We didn't pay them diddlydick," he says when discussing his former existence, "I was making a mint and every day I would put on Limbaugh and he would tell me that I was the kind of person who made America great."

Then one day one of the Asian women complained about the working conditions. "I laughed like hell while the floor managers beat the shit out of her. She was on that rusty boat back to Malaysia the next morning," Davis said.

But the incident made him question his core beliefs. Davis went to Pritchard's clinic where he endured two weeks of uncomfortable electrical impulses while the Limbaugh show droned on in the background. "I can't even listen to that damn lardass now," he says. Today Davis tours high schools lecturing on diversity issues.

One of Pritchard's most controversial therapies involves his treatment for black conservatives. "This is kind of uncharted territory," says the therapist, "It was tough to locate enough of them to get up a poker game much less find a decent research sample."

He acknowledges that therapy involving prolonged exposure to the speeches of Al Sharpton may have played at least an indirect role in at least one suicide but points with pride to his accomplishments with The Notorious M.F.E.R., a budding rap star. The former Terrell Williams admits that "I was the most honkey-whipped, fried-chicken eatin' , standing-on-the-white-mans-lawn-with-a-lantern mo-fo you ever saw."

The rapper, clad in a "Free Mumia" tee-shirt while taking a break from a recording session says that he even once admired Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. "I mean, man, he made a lot of money doin' the white mans work, had a white wife and they even said he had a big dong". He now regrets his former life and in his latest recording advocates Thomas' murder and dismemberment.

Pritchard's therapy does not work for everyone. NRA member Buford T. Billybob, 47, tried opening a small movie theater showing alternative films and although the theater did reasonably well he found he wasn't happy. "I guess I'm just a backwoods redneck and always will be", says Billybob, while shooting at Pabst cans in front of his Confederate Flag draped trailer. He said Dr. Pritchard was a nice guy and "It weren't too bad runnin' that chi-chi movie house but if I had to talk to one more chablis-drinkin' asshole I was gonna hurl."

If you or someone you know needs Dr. Pritchard's therapy call 1-800-brie4me or go to www.neanderthalnomore.com.

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