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Conservatism
Is Curable
May
16, 2001
by birdman
A new study completed by Dr. James Pritchard of the University
of Chicago indicates that political conservatism can be corrected
if the patient desires to change. In fact Pritchard claims
that his unorthodox therapy methods can even produce results
in some of the most extreme cases.
Melissa McQuinn, 37, remembers how the members of the local
school board used to cringe and roll their eyes when she walked
into the meetings. "I used to tell them that America was a
Christian country and because they weren't allowing the kids
to pray or telling them that gays were evil predators that
they were going to burn in hell and I'd be sitting in up heaven
watching them glowing like the coals in a barbecue."
McQuinn decided she needed Dr. Pritchard's therapy after
a protest at a local abortion clinic. "A pregnant woman drove
down the block and I threw myself onto the hood of her car
screaming 'Don't kill your baby'. The police actually had
to sedate me with a needle in my ass to get me off the windshield
- and here the poor woman was only going to the 7-11 store
down the street."
Pritchard had McQuinn work as a waitress in a diner and try
to earn enough money to support three kids on her own. "It
was a revelation," she says, "at the end of two weeks I was
wearing a push-up bra to get better tips." Then Pritchard
told her to imagine she was pregnant again. That did the trick.
Today McQuinn runs a condom and sex toys boutique.
Paul Davis, 28, was the manager of a New York sweatshop that
produced cheap clothing while employing illegal Asian aliens.
"We didn't pay them diddlydick," he says when discussing his
former existence, "I was making a mint and every day I would
put on Limbaugh and he would tell me that I was the kind of
person who made America great."
Then one day one of the Asian women complained about the
working conditions. "I laughed like hell while the floor managers
beat the shit out of her. She was on that rusty boat back
to Malaysia the next morning," Davis said.
But the incident made him question his core beliefs. Davis
went to Pritchard's clinic where he endured two weeks of uncomfortable
electrical impulses while the Limbaugh show droned on in the
background. "I can't even listen to that damn lardass now,"
he says. Today Davis tours high schools lecturing on diversity
issues.
One of Pritchard's most controversial therapies involves
his treatment for black conservatives. "This is kind of uncharted
territory," says the therapist, "It was tough to locate enough
of them to get up a poker game much less find a decent research
sample."
He acknowledges that therapy involving prolonged exposure
to the speeches of Al Sharpton may have played at least an
indirect role in at least one suicide but points with pride
to his accomplishments with The Notorious M.F.E.R., a budding
rap star. The former Terrell Williams admits that "I was the
most honkey-whipped, fried-chicken eatin' , standing-on-the-white-mans-lawn-with-a-lantern
mo-fo you ever saw."
The rapper, clad in a "Free Mumia" tee-shirt while taking
a break from a recording session says that he even once admired
Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. "I mean, man, he made
a lot of money doin' the white mans work, had a white wife
and they even said he had a big dong". He now regrets his
former life and in his latest recording advocates Thomas'
murder and dismemberment.
Pritchard's therapy does not work for everyone. NRA member
Buford T. Billybob, 47, tried opening a small movie theater
showing alternative films and although the theater did reasonably
well he found he wasn't happy. "I guess I'm just a backwoods
redneck and always will be", says Billybob, while shooting
at Pabst cans in front of his Confederate Flag draped trailer.
He said Dr. Pritchard was a nice guy and "It weren't too bad
runnin' that chi-chi movie house but if I had to talk to one
more chablis-drinkin' asshole I was gonna hurl."
If you or someone you know needs Dr. Pritchard's therapy
call 1-800-brie4me or go to www.neanderthalnomore.com.
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