Is the LGBT Group meeting your needs?

[Ms. Toad]

6. Prior to

this thread I would have described my issues as minor. They are no longer minor.

I wasn't thrilled about the beefcake threads, or the mostly intangible gay men's club atmosphere in this forum (relatively typical in mixed LGBT space). The threads didn't bother me enough that I would have raised it myself, but I was certainly supportive of them being discussed - because they were something which I noticed and which made me feel somewhat as if I was a tolerated interloper in gay men's space.

My participation in the thread was polite and open to discussing what I felt about the beefcake threads and how they contribute to why I have, as a woman and a lesbian, at times felt tolerated rather than welcome in this forum.

I am disappointed and angered at how the "discussion" was handled. As an absolute minimum for this group to meet my needs, I expect the hosts to enforce zero tolerance with regard to anyone tossing out homophobic taunts, and I expect everyone participating in discussions about how this group operates to be treated respectfully.

For anyone who missed it:

• I was called a man-hater (a homophobic statement playing on a stereotype about lesbians that would have earned an instant block had it been uttered by a straight interloper to the group, rather than a gay man);
  
• Not a single host publicly denounced that comment (other than an acknowledgement that it was over the top buried in thread in response to my complaints about the lack of responsiveness of the hosts to the comment). It was treated as a "community standards" issue. That kind of comment is not a community standards issue, alone, and not just over the top. It goes to the heart of this group. This is a safe haven group, and it is the hosts responsibility to take steps to ensure that no one need fear homophobic statements being leveled at them. To be blunt - at this point, I have no expectation that any action will be taken to protect lesbians as long as the bigotry is leveled by a gay man. You don't have to like what I have to say - but permitting a homophobic attack on me as a lesbian to go unanswered, is not consistent with this being a safe haven for LGBT individuals (which includes being a safe haven for lesbians);
  
• My contributions to the discussion were repeatedly misstated, and the misstatements dismissed (often derisively or rudely) for reasons that are completely unrelated to the explanation I had given (when I was not just being told I had no right to even discuss the matter);
  
• One of the few female hosts resigned because of how the discussion was handled, with this explanation;
  
• Just when the heat died down, and it appeared as if there might be an opening for some conversation (rather than merely attempts to shut conversation down) the hosts locked the thread;
  
• Immediately following the lock of the thread, the "To Keep Our Participation Pleasant" thread was pinned and locked calling out "concern trolling" while inviting constructive, edifying criticism - immediately after shutting down a thread in which there was an attempt to engage in constructive discussion about a challenge which is very common in LGBT groups. Although the tolerance I felt, rather than welcome, was unspoken before the thread; it was made express by the dismissal as "offensive" of the expression by any woman (and I was not the only one) that this group did not feel welcoming.
  
• And - the ultimate irony - the pinned thread now declares this space is "safe space" even though there has still been no public action by the hosts imposing sanctions, or even condemning, the anti-lesbian bigotry of the "man-hater" comment.
  

I hope the hosts can figure out a way to affirmatively address the way in which this was handled. As I repeatedly said in the thread, the beefcake threads were relatively minor - something I preferred not be part of our group. The way in which the discussion about those threads was handled, however, was abysmal and makes it far less likely that I will participate much in this group.