General Discussion
In reply to the discussion: I am a BDSMer. I have run workshops on how to practice it safely. I've been doing it for 20 years. [View all]moriah
(8,311 posts)... consent. In reality, the dominant serves the needs of the submissive far more than the reverse -- as I've said, in my relationship, I come out far higher on orgasm tally than he does, and far more time is focused on my pleasure, since he gets quite a bit of his pleasure out of mine. The vast majority of the time, the dominant is paying attention to the submissive -- and especially if pain play is happening, they damn well better have 100% of their attention on the submissive and their needs. Even during pain play, the Dom must be measured in how they apply it, and have knowledge of the patterns of endorphin response, it's not like they can just let go the same way a submissive can. It's a hard damn job to do right, especially if you add pain play into the mix.
The dom provides a service to the submissive, and how that is reciprocated may vary from roleplaying by using a title in the bedroom (something I don't do, I think I would burst out laughing and that'd be a terrible thing to do to *any* man in the bedroom, no matter what the context) to letting the dom think he's really the boss (which most do, including me) by not drawing attention to the fact that I can say no at any time, and each time I do not is a choice. (Again, it's about trust. After much consideration, I gave him permission to initiate anything he wishes, and that unless I say no or safeword, he can trust that I am consenting. That's NOT a model that I'd recommend anyone start a relationship out with, but we'd been together for over six months before we got to that level of trust with each other -- both that I knew he'd respect my "no", and he knew that I'd actually *say* no if I didn't want to do something instead of freeze up or succumb to pressure. And that last part was a big, big deal for him -- he didn't want to push me into something I didn't want, and needed the security of knowing he could make any suggestion not in my hard limits list, and the worst that would happen would be me saying "No" instead of me doing something just to please him.)
Without the sub, the dom is screwed (metaphorically, of course). In many ways, the sub is the one with all the power.
Doms who mistreat their subs, who take them for granted, who abuse them, will hopefully sooner rather than later find themselves without a sub. That's why I think it is important to have safety seminars like the ones the OP does, and most BDSM 101s go into at least one chapter on differences between consensual, non-abusive submission and hallmarks of abusive relationships. Actual physical violence is a late stage sign in an abusive relationship, there are many early warning signs that a dude has absorbed more of the patriarchy than they should have, that help a person distinguish abuse from BDSM.
Yet suggesting that it's all about male dom/female submissives neglects that there are male submissives, and female dominants, as well as many LGBTQ practitioners that play with a same-sex partner. There are "switches" as well, which I guess you could say I technically am, since I was first introduced to the lifestyle as a top, not a bottom, and can take on that role. I just don't get very much out of it except in narrow contexts. They aren't fighting against the patriarchy any more than I'm supporting it. The same duties and responsibilities for the Dominant partner exist whether that person is male or female, and beyond some novels (the books about the mythical planet "Gor" for example) and people who are a little obsessed by them, no one in BDSM expects a woman to be a sub or a man to be a dominant by default, or have much opinion about which gender should be in each role beyond their own personal gender preferences for sex.