General Discussion

sibelian

(7,804 posts) Mon Jul 28, 2014, 06:11 PM Jul 2014

I am a BDSMer. I have run workshops on how to practice it safely. I've been doing it for 20 years. [View all]

I would suggest to anyone interested in the practice to research it outwith the field of fiction and entirely outwith the field of political message boards. The most appropriate source of information on the subject is people who practice BDSM, not people who have no idea what it is beyond what it looks like and are liable to reach for whatever explanation of it seems to justify their emotional reaction to it.

Do NOT, repeat NOT absorb information about BDSM from non-practitioners. NEVER absorb unprocessed information about it from fantasists or phobics.

This has been a public service announcement.

311 replies

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I am a BDSMer. I have run workshops on how to practice it safely. I've been doing it for 20 years. [View all] sibelian Jul 2014 OP

Thank you, Sibelian. darkangel218 Jul 2014 #1

Thank You for what? Telling us to only get info from one source with a biased view? KittyWampus Jul 2014 #68

If I'm going to get "biased" information mythology Jul 2014 #142

I have been to a few workshops to see what it is about. hrmjustin Jul 2014 #2

No offense, but, whathehell Jul 2014 #24

For you yes but them it is a part of their life. hrmjustin Jul 2014 #26

Yeah, lots of things are "part of" some people's lives whathehell Jul 2014 #31

Ok. hrmjustin Jul 2014 #33

I am positive that it is therapeutic for many people. Voice for Peace Jul 2014 #51

I never really could do it because it reminded me too much of an abusive relationship and what came hrmjustin Jul 2014 #53

But it's an interesting phenomenon that abused people often seek out abusive relationships, Voice for Peace Jul 2014 #61

As a cutter Prophet 451 Jul 2014 #205

Maybe im not understanding correctly darkangel218 Jul 2014 #40

You are understanding correctly.. whathehell Jul 2014 #66

Seriously, you need to get out more BuddhaGirl Jul 2014 #74

Seriously, you do too.. whathehell Jul 2014 #80

No, actually some of my closest friends BuddhaGirl Jul 2014 #85

I'm only quoting the shrinks, honey.. whathehell Jul 2014 #89

And again, I'm sure you support their older, non "politically correct" opinions about homosexuality. moriah Jul 2014 #92

And again, you're trying to put words in my mouth, whathehell Jul 2014 #110

You're preaching about what is and what is not "natural" about sex, on a liberal discussion forum. moriah Jul 2014 #111

Not "preaching", just stating facts, and not about sex, whathehell Jul 2014 #129

Explain tattoos, then. Or are people who like getting them "unnatural", too? n/t moriah Jul 2014 #135

No, you're stating an opinion and confusing that for a fact. mythology Jul 2014 #140

No, I'm stating the "fact" of the APA's diagnosis until recently, whathehell Jul 2014 #143

So the millions of people BuddhaGirl Jul 2014 #150

Who the hell cares about tattoos? whathehell Jul 2014 #156

You can't reply, got it BuddhaGirl Jul 2014 #160

Of course I can reply.. whathehell Jul 2014 #163

I see you haven't talked with any BDSM practitioners BuddhaGirl Jul 2014 #166

This message was self-deleted by its author whathehell Jul 2014 #183

LOL..You don't know who I've talked to.. whathehell Jul 2014 #185

LOL you were quoting the APA BuddhaGirl Jul 2014 #195

Wrong again, LOL, The "fact" quoted was of its being their diagnosis! whathehell Jul 2014 #198

You said liking pain wasn't natural, and that your judgement was not one about sex. moriah Jul 2014 #202

So what? whathehell Jul 2014 #207

Oh please.. whathehell Jul 2014 #148

I'm a feminist too. What happens in the bedroom *stays in the bedroom*.... moriah Jul 2014 #230

You think so? whathehell Jul 2014 #242

One thing that's hard to understand -- the dominant can't be dominant without the submissive's .... moriah Jul 2014 #243

Well, that's no more surprising than the "submissive" can't be submissive whathehell Jul 2014 #245

If it's no longer a difference of opinion as to whether or not I'm "sick"... moriah Jul 2014 #246

Frankly, I never wanted to hear about your "sexual practices" whathehell Jul 2014 #251

It's less that you think it's bad for yourself. It's that you're passing a value judgement on others moriah Jul 2014 #260

Moriah, "goodbye" is my safeword.. whathehell Jul 2014 #263

You know, it used to be against the rules to say you were going to put someone on ignore... moriah Jul 2014 #269

This message was self-deleted by its author whathehell Jul 2014 #262

People I know who do BDSM tell me that regardless of gender or orientations, subs far outnumber eridani Jul 2014 #271

Subs outnumber *good* Doms, in my personal experience. moriah Jul 2014 #275

They don't want to even consider that sexual kickitup Jul 2014 #279

My two cents... pipi_k Jul 2014 #145

Many women use drugs to alleviate the pain of childbirth, those who choose not to use drugs seaglass Jul 2014 #147

Thank you.. whathehell Jul 2014 #155

Actually pipi_k Jul 2014 #158

Well OK pipi_k Jul 2014 #157

BDSM was regarded as pathological until some time in the past steve2470 Jul 2014 #274

No, Cutting RobinA Jul 2014 #180

If the natural human reaction is to avoid pain... Finagled Aug 2014 #295

LOL! whathehell Aug 2014 #296

Message auto-removed Name removed Aug 2014 #297

"Brilliance" indeed..You failed to get even 4 posts here before getting one hid! whathehell Aug 2014 #298

Post removed Post removed Aug 2014 #309

Hi from a shrink. nolabear Jul 2014 #248

Sorry, Nola...I've Left the Dungeon whathehell Jul 2014 #252

LOL! Be well. Stay safe! nolabear Jul 2014 #254

Absolutely! whathehell Jul 2014 #259

This message was self-deleted by its author nolabear Jul 2014 #249

"The natural human instinct is to avoid pain, not seek it." kentauros Jul 2014 #95

Uh, some people enjoy that, whathehell Jul 2014 #97

Where were the modifiers "some" and "most" used in the OP? kentauros Jul 2014 #99

What Op? whathehell Jul 2014 #107

And you seem to have a problem following a conversation. kentauros Jul 2014 #113

And you don't seem to know the MEANING of a "conversation" whathehell Jul 2014 #124

Again, you're using the modifier of "most people" kentauros Jul 2014 #128

and I'll continue to use it..Listen, bro, you can "enjoy" all the pain you whathehell Jul 2014 #130

So you post judgmental crap, and when people call you on it, you put them on ignore? moriah Jul 2014 #239

I guess being enlightened was too much for him. kentauros Jul 2014 #265

t's rather like taking one's ball and bat and going home. moriah Jul 2014 #266

And I would help hand it over, too. kentauros Jul 2014 #267

you may be right, maybe most don't awoke_in_2003 Jul 2014 #117

Correct -- I never said otherwise. whathehell Jul 2014 #126

The APA at one point thought homosexuality was unhealthy, too. Guess you support that as well. moriah Jul 2014 #84

+1 BuddhaGirl Jul 2014 #87

Yes, I know, but you guess wrong on that one.. whathehell Jul 2014 #91

Really! Wow! Psychiatrists can change their opnions, and it be legitimate! moriah Jul 2014 #93

So was the removal of homosexuality from the DSM BuddhaGirl Jul 2014 #149

I imagine it's ethically convenient to disagree with the academics when it suits your own biases LanternWaste Jul 2014 #169

and I imagine it's equally convenient to assume that as the dynamic whathehell Jul 2014 #181

We talking about what's 'natural' on DU now? Ash_F Jul 2014 #133

This is absolute bullshit. mr blur Jul 2014 #138

Argue with the shrinks, honey..This was their position whathehell Jul 2014 #141

HI! HELLO! Shrink response! nolabear Jul 2014 #250

I saw your other post, Nola, and i'm sorry, but I'm using my "safe word" whathehell Jul 2014 #253

... nolabear Jul 2014 #255

LOL.. whathehell Jul 2014 #258

Conservatives say the same about homosexuality being delisted n/t Prophet 451 Jul 2014 #206

Yeah..They also say "good morning" in the A.M. whathehell Jul 2014 #211

Please cite your evidence that the decision was based on political correctness... Hippo_Tron Jul 2014 #216

See post #38 whathehell Jul 2014 #240

Nope, you made the claims the burden of proof is on you Hippo_Tron Jul 2014 #256

No, I gave you enough.. whathehell Jul 2014 #261

Everyone wants to smack a little ass , male or female snooper2 Jul 2014 #98

Well, I disagree, but whathehell Jul 2014 #106

I am not into BDSM... awoke_in_2003 Jul 2014 #118

As long as it's consenting adults, I prefer to leave it to them to set the boundaries. n/t Gore1FL Jul 2014 #42

Well, sure, there's nothing else to do.. whathehell Jul 2014 #63

The difference between "squick" and "sick" is consent, to my mind. moriah Jul 2014 #90

That's nice.. whathehell Jul 2014 #94

But, you see, what you are saying can also be construed as a personal attack. moriah Jul 2014 #96

I don't think so.. whathehell Jul 2014 #101

For sure. easttexaslefty Jul 2014 #194

I think putting A-1 on a steak is sick... awoke_in_2003 Jul 2014 #119

Who do you have to be? whathehell Jul 2014 #125

There are also many things ... CaptainTruth Jul 2014 #71

hmmm... whathehell Jul 2014 #73

Some people take a simplistic view ... CaptainTruth Jul 2014 #81

and some may take an overly complex one.. whathehell Jul 2014 #115

Some people get an adrenaline rush from certain levels of pain or anticipation Marrah_G Jul 2014 #244

Sorry, Marrah, but as I just informed another poster here, whathehell Jul 2014 #247

another thought... awoke_in_2003 Jul 2014 #116

You must have come in late to this discussion.. whathehell Jul 2014 #127

True, true Sarah Ibarruri Jul 2014 #201

Well, thanks for that... whathehell Jul 2014 #209

:) I agree. Consenting adults do have the right to do what they desire Sarah Ibarruri Jul 2014 #285

The rights of consenting adults being a given, you still whathehell Aug 2014 #290

Define "pain" eridani Jul 2014 #208

You define "pain" whathehell Jul 2014 #210

It's about what you experience, not about what someone else does to you n/t eridani Jul 2014 #272

The people involved admit they experience pain -- and they like it whathehell Aug 2014 #286

Some people who exercise experience pain as well... brooklynite Aug 2014 #287

The pain most people exercising experience is whathehell Aug 2014 #289

The dental thing whathehell Aug 2014 #288

It's about trust. sibelian Jul 2014 #174

Always trust a professional NightWatcher Jul 2014 #3

All in a day's work... genwah Jul 2014 #9

Thanks for sharing! LongTomH Jul 2014 #4

agreed! CarrieLynne Jul 2014 #5

Have you read the Book That Shall Not Be Mentioned? leftstreet Jul 2014 #6

I am also a longtime... green917 Jul 2014 #29

^^THIS POST DEMANDS ATTENTION^^ Tuesday Afternoon Jul 2014 #45

+1000 DeadLetterOffice Jul 2014 #47

That's all. bravenak Jul 2014 #76

Here here!!! CaptainTruth Jul 2014 #77

Thank you. I've and others have been trying to help people to understand that Luminous Animal Jul 2014 #86

you're welcome green917 Jul 2014 #238

Absolutely. sibelian Jul 2014 #100

I have not... but... sibelian Jul 2014 #109

Thanks for this thread, important message nt steve2470 Jul 2014 #7

Thanks. We're 99 days out, and talking about everything under the sun except what we need to be genwah Jul 2014 #8

Yup. whathehell Jul 2014 #72

You appear to be under the impression that people can focus on one, and only one concern at any give LanternWaste Jul 2014 #170

I like Frank Herbert's update on the word ghaflah. It's the small distraction that kills. Others genwah Jul 2014 #199

Great post. lovemydog Jul 2014 #10

Me too - LiberalElite Jul 2014 #35

There's joy in repetition. lovemydog Jul 2014 #54

You can say that again. riqster Jul 2014 #186

same here. nt awoke_in_2003 Jul 2014 #120

me too. Can't wait to use it in a sentence. Tuesday Afternoon Jul 2014 #46

I'm heading for a glorious nature walk, outwith the confines lovemydog Jul 2014 #55

I don't blame you. Tuesday Afternoon Jul 2014 #58

Haha... cui bono Jul 2014 #78

Haha, awesome. lovemydog Jul 2014 #83

Imagine my amazement when I found out it wasn't English... sibelian Jul 2014 #172

I agree completely Marrah_G Jul 2014 #11

how did this come up?? navarth Jul 2014 #12

50 shades of grey threads nt steve2470 Jul 2014 #13

I assume this refers to a tv show? I'll look it up navarth Jul 2014 #15

just type 50 shades of grey into the DU search box in the upper right hand corner up there steve2470 Jul 2014 #17

Well I got quite an eyeful there navarth Jul 2014 #21

I'd just read all the threads, tbh nt steve2470 Jul 2014 #23

haven't been on DU for the past couple of days... awoke_in_2003 Jul 2014 #121

ha! I guess not... navarth Jul 2014 #153

Here's the rules for 50 Shades on DU ... kickitup Jul 2014 #196

Ah! Well that's a relief navarth Jul 2014 #200

"Do NOT, repeat NOT absorb information about BDSM from non-practitioners" rug Jul 2014 #14

LOL!! whathehell Jul 2014 #20

danke schoen lunasun Jul 2014 #16

But how else can we be armchair experts at it? Blue_Adept Jul 2014 #18

Well, you can make things up, of course... sibelian Jul 2014 #175

Oh, I know. Blue_Adept Jul 2014 #177

Ach, sorry. I misread YOU. :) sibelian Jul 2014 #228

"The view that it's weird or creepy seems to come from a small handful of people.." whathehell Jul 2014 #188

K&R! DeSwiss Jul 2014 #19

Just went to see this guy ismnotwasm Jul 2014 #32

The one in the red is hawt! Gore1FL Jul 2014 #44

Don't forget to use the safe word cui bono Jul 2014 #82

For some reason when I saw that... awoke_in_2003 Jul 2014 #122

I am not. ismnotwasm Jul 2014 #22

I recommend utilizing the trash by keyword. tammywammy Jul 2014 #50

Lookin for donco Jul 2014 #25

Yeah, same here.. whathehell Jul 2014 #34

To what? sibelian Jul 2014 #176

I have no clue what sexual practice you are referring. FarPoint Jul 2014 #27

bondage discipline sadomasochism masochism, bdsm nt steve2470 Jul 2014 #28

Ohhhhhhhhhh FarPoint Jul 2014 #30

After you do..just realize...there is much support for "Porn Industry" KoKo Jul 2014 #60

In years past, sex threads were not allowed anywhere on DU not even in the Lounge. Tuesday Afternoon Jul 2014 #79

One of the few songs by the stones I like... awoke_in_2003 Jul 2014 #123

Yes, another good one from the eighties but, then I love The Stones. Seen them twice. Tuesday Afternoon Jul 2014 #161

OK, here ya go: Nye Bevan Jul 2014 #36

... SammyWinstonJack Jul 2014 #75

... sibelian Jul 2014 #102

Safe.Sane.Consentual are essential Collarchat & Fet Life are good ref sites stuffmatters Jul 2014 #37

Do you need a college degree to practice that? edbermac Jul 2014 #38

... lol ... Tuesday Afternoon Jul 2014 #48

Put it this way... sibelian Jul 2014 #105

I heard Grey called the worst dom since the Marquis: they're right nt MisterP Jul 2014 #39

The character of Grey is NOT a dom DeadLetterOffice Jul 2014 #49

O rickyhall Jul 2014 #41

... M.... G? sibelian Jul 2014 #190

Outwith Android3.14 Jul 2014 #43

It's typical in Scotland to use the word in place of "outside" sibelian Jul 2014 #173

OT but Hi, Sibellan truebluegreen Jul 2014 #52

It has become surreal. sibelian Jul 2014 #108

Sorry to hear that truebluegreen Jul 2014 #146

All the best to you and your campaign. riqster Jul 2014 #187

Du is getting smutter and smutter packman Jul 2014 #56

Oh put a ball gag in it, Mary... DRoseDARs Jul 2014 #62

"i" did not want any part of it packman Jul 2014 #88

I could kiss you for that pun, but the law and this thread require that I smack you around. DRoseDARs Jul 2014 #182

Recent discussions have focussed on an allegedly irresponsible portrayal of BDSM. sibelian Jul 2014 #178

It's in response to a popular book being made into a movie being discussed here Marrah_G Aug 2014 #300

thank you DonCoquixote Jul 2014 #57

Is this a joke? secondvariety Jul 2014 #59

Unfortunately, no.. whathehell Jul 2014 #69

Why do you think it's a joke? sibelian Jul 2014 #103

Anyone in the DC metro area who are curious IronLionZion Jul 2014 #64

And in New England Marrah_G Aug 2014 #306

As a practicing Master ... CaptainTruth Jul 2014 #65

This ^ Marrah_G Aug 2014 #303

LOL! ONLY absorb information that is positive from BDSM practitioners. LOL! KittyWampus Jul 2014 #67

LOL! whathehell Jul 2014 #70

wow, have I come late to this discussion! 2pooped2pop Jul 2014 #104

We are all BDSM'ers Puzzledtraveller Jul 2014 #112

I am Spartacus. sibelian Jul 2014 #114

Really? whathehell Jul 2014 #131

Every day Puzzledtraveller Jul 2014 #132

Yeah..sure..uh huh.. whathehell Jul 2014 #144

I am curious what spurred the posting of this OP Ash_F Jul 2014 #134

The badly written mess that is "50 shades of Grey" sibelian Jul 2014 #167

A co-worker looked up from a book and asked me what BDSM stood for. Ash_F Jul 2014 #203

Novices badly need this kind of information from a face to face community eridani Jul 2014 #136

Yes, many people don't even have the CONCEPT of doing it safely. sibelian Jul 2014 #152

And the BDSM communities are pretty good at policing their own. Marrah_G Aug 2014 #299

I always tell people to reach out to others in the real world Marrah_G Aug 2014 #305

good PSA, thanks! NuttyFluffers Jul 2014 #137

Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me! IronLionZion Jul 2014 #139

Thanks for this lupinella Jul 2014 #151

Thank you, sibelian, Feral Child Jul 2014 #154

Nae bother. sibelian Jul 2014 #168

Omg cwydro Jul 2014 #159

They can be very informative. In_The_Wind Jul 2014 #184

Not all of BDSM is about sex. sibelian Jul 2014 #189

May I add an observation nadinbrzezinski Jul 2014 #162

How do deaf BDSMers give the safe word? meegbear Jul 2014 #164

The "Safe word" doesn't have to be a word, really. opiate69 Jul 2014 #165

As opiate said... sibelian Jul 2014 #171

My wife's safe word is "Simon opiate69 Jul 2014 #179

Gestures. Also applies for people wearing gags. riqster Jul 2014 #192

Safe word potato. Why? Because you can still say it wearing a ball gag! Marrah_G Aug 2014 #301

I'll take your word for it. riqster Aug 2014 #310

Not into heavy play, but I have taught at a good number of events across the US. riqster Jul 2014 #191

Yeah it seems that safeword abuse and violating limits is a big issue. seaglass Jul 2014 #193

Thence the classes. riqster Jul 2014 #197

In major population centers, hotlines are often available eridani Jul 2014 #213

True, and thank you for letting people know. riqster Jul 2014 #217

Well, hope it works out for you Prophet 451 Jul 2014 #204

a tad OT here... steve2470 Jul 2014 #212

But that's the entire point of many of these threads... brooklynite Jul 2014 #214

as long as people are not being abused or exploited, I'm cool nt steve2470 Jul 2014 #215

Wish others were equally open-minded. riqster Jul 2014 #218

it is a shame steve2470 Jul 2014 #219

Too be less kind, it's blinkered, Philistine pig-ignorance; riqster Jul 2014 #220

I admit to being limited in this area at times but... steve2470 Jul 2014 #221

Word up. I often fail at it myself. riqster Jul 2014 #222

AA gets bashed a lot, but acceptance... steve2470 Jul 2014 #223

I can only reply hifiguy Jul 2014 #232

!!! sibelian Jul 2014 #224

hmm....bit of an overreaction I'd say, the employer I mean, not you lol nt steve2470 Jul 2014 #225

ok try this url steve2470 Jul 2014 #226

I don't get it at all, but one of my first rules of life hifiguy Jul 2014 #227

I've no problem with being judged... sibelian Jul 2014 #229

The only things I am really judgmental about are fanaticsm/dogmatism and hifiguy Jul 2014 #231

OT, but.... opiate69 Jul 2014 #234

I needed a break and went through some very bad times hifiguy Jul 2014 #236

Didn't know you'd left! sibelian Jul 2014 #237

i noticed you were gone and am glad you are back. irisblue Jul 2014 #277

Message auto-removed Name removed Jul 2014 #233

oh my! hrmjustin Jul 2014 #235

OK, outside of some light spanking and mild dominance play, not really into BDSM... Humanist_Activist Jul 2014 #241

Agree completely. Well stated. nomorenomore08 Aug 2014 #308

How do you do it with a straight face? Tom Ripley Jul 2014 #257

LOL whathehell Jul 2014 #264

I COULD KICK PRACTICING MASTER ASS Skittles Jul 2014 #268

SIGNS UP SKITTLES FOR DOMINATRIX SCHOOL steve2470 Jul 2014 #270

GETTING MY WHIP Skittles Jul 2014 #281

you're a good sport ! :) nt steve2470 Jul 2014 #284

Well, I think you should tell him that.. whathehell Jul 2014 #282

I WILL KICK VOYEUR ASS TOO Skittles Aug 2014 #291

Probably Marrah_G Aug 2014 #302

Thanks for sharing.. whathehell Aug 2014 #307

It's easy when the rewards are big, to keep a straight face. TIMETOCHANGE Jul 2014 #278

Lol.."And for those of you who aren't into it, you have my sympathies". whathehell Jul 2014 #283

Feel free. TIMETOCHANGE Aug 2014 #292

Gee, if you were a quality guy, you might actually be able to get that whathehell Aug 2014 #293

Depends on how serious the scene is. sibelian Aug 2014 #294

Pit Bulls are misjudged too...nt hexola Jul 2014 #273

Especially at the Olive Garden! n/t eridani Jul 2014 #276

While breast-feeding! WinkyDink Jul 2014 #280

CACAO! Earth_First Aug 2014 #304

Just curious Shankapotomus Aug 2014 #311