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Member since: Tue Jul 10, 2012, 05:40 AM
Number of posts: 703

About Me

I write a blog of dark humor - Goblinbooks.com

Journal Archives

Evidently Bob Woodward's Been Sending Me His Lunch Money

It was a real mystery. Every week, someone had been mailing me an envelope stuffed with singles and quarters. The postmark was always from northern Virginia, but there was never a return address. Then last November I got a padded envelope that was soaked with juice - inside was a crushed Capri Sun and a scribbled note:

I forgot and accidentally bought this. Please please don't kill me.

Anyway, last night someone from Politico called me to ask me about it. They said the money was from Woodward.

"Why have you been extorting the lunch money from our nation's most famous investigative journalist?" the reporter demanded. I thought it was my buddy Dave pranking me at first. It took awhile to realize the guy on the other end was serious. And then I had more questions than answers.


Barack Obama And John Boehner Just Shot A Kitten

I'm not going to pretend I fully understand what happened. I don't, okay?

All I know is I come home to find the President and the Speaker of the House standing around in my kitchen with dazed looks. Plus, there's a dead kitten on the floor and a handgun on the table.

"You didn't lock the front door, so we figured we'd just come in," Boehner says helpfully. But that obviously doesn't exactly answer my real question:

"Guys... Um, who exactly shot the kitten?"

And as you can guess, what follows is a long story. They're arguing and gesturing wildly at each other. It gets weird and complicated. And both of them repeatedly say that ending a kitten's life with a powerful firearm was the absolute last thing they wanted to do. They both agree it was egregiously stupid and cruel.

In fact it was so stupid and cruel that it was the perfect motivator, really - because who the hell just breaks into someone's home and puts a bullet into a cute, furry creature, and then waits for the owner to come back? Who does that? Wouldn't it be the thing we both agreed we'd never ever do, and therefore the thing that would force us to hammer out a deal? You get the idea.


"Wanna See Me Eat Some Paste?" By Sen. Ted Cruz

I'm a paste eater. Been that way since I was a child. As the new kid in Kindergarten back at Oswald Elementary in eastern Texas, it was hard to make friends. People didn't seem to know I was even in the room. And then one day, I grabbed a spoon and tucked into a tub of Elmer's Kraft-Pal No. 23. Folks gathered round. Girls took notice. And I'm never going back, friends.

Look at me. Isn't it obvious?

So I just want to make it clear that, if it comes down to it - if I need to get your attention - I will eat some paste to do so. Right now I'm getting great coverage for saying Chuck Hagel might work for the North Koreans and that people in Harvard are Communists who want to overthrow the government. The liberals are freaking out and calling me Joe McCarthy.

See? I know what I'm doing.

It's a good time for people like me. The Tea Party and the extreme right have been smacked down at the polls, and the GOP is scrambling to reinvent itself and still get our votes. But my supporters don't care about that...


Will The GOP Broaden Its Appeal? A 30-Year History

"The Republican Party is attempting to broaden its appeal to the nation's union members through a newly formed labor advisory council." - Miami Herald, 6/18/82

"Republicans have found themselves on the short end of the 'gender gap,' as women have moved toward the Democratic party in recent years. But it is 'not irreversible,' says Representative Snowe." - Christian Science Monitor, 3/21/83

"As some Republicans at the Staunton meeting suggested, the party should try harder to broaden its appeal, especially to blacks." - Richmond Times-Dispatch, 12/12/85

"More than any other potential Republican contender, Robertson hits the social issues that arouse and energize conservatives. Republican strategists are concerned that a Robertson candidacy could restrict the party's efforts to broaden its appeal by re-igniting an emotional debate on such issues as abortion, school prayer and homosexuality." - Daily News of Los Angeles, 3/23/86

"Specifically, Mr. Fahrenkopf called on the GOP to broaden its appeal to a wider constituency. Republicans urgently need to win adherents among blacks, Hispanics, Roman Catholics, and labor union members, he says. Fahrenkopf believes that this can be accomplished if the GOP becomes known as `the party of responsibility and compassion.' The chairman charges that too often Republicans have failed to adapt to the new ethnic politics that is so important in many regions of the nation. The GOP has given the impression that `we were closed to all except direct descendants of the Mayflower,' he points out." - Christian Science Monitor, 3/17/87

"In the days leading up to the Republican National Convention, Bush's campaign concentrated heavily on both the symbols and the issues in an anxious effort to solve 'the woman problem' - the nagging polls that show women favoring Bush's opponent, Michael S. Dukakis, by anywhere from 17 to 32 percentage points." - Philadelphia Inquirer, 8/15/88

"As Kemp told a Republican audience in Wisconsin in 1986, the party had to broaden its appeal." - State Journal-Register, 1/16/89

"If the Republican Party holds on to the White House in 1992 but gains no ground in the House or Senate, it will have lost a rare opportunity to broaden its appeal among voters." - State Journal-Register, 4/29/91

"It is also a blow to the Republican Party, which has sought to broaden its appeal to minority voters and does not want to enter the 1992 presidential as the party that put an ex-Klan member in a statehouse." - Dallas Morning News, 10/21/91

Does this insanity continue? Yes. Yes it does:

A Message To John Boehner From Willy Wonka

Come back, man. Come back to the factory. You've done everything you could. But it's time to admit it's over.

We haven't always agreed, but I supported you when you decided to go into politics. I was thrilled and very proud when you became Speaker - you know that. And I'll be honest, a guy with my workplace safety record is never going to be a real fan of regulation. We always saw eye to eye on that, Johnnie! Heh.

But the point is, you wanted to go to Washington to accomplish something. And that's not going to happen. You are setting yourself up for failure, my friend. Remember that guy who fell into the Crumbler, before it finished cycling? That's what the GOP is looking like these days. And you're all mixed up in it.


A Message To Mark Sanford From God

Markie. Caught the campaign ad the other day. I wish you would have asked Me about it first... because I'm not going to support you. I figured you'd want to know as soon as possible. Take the thing down before you embarrass yourself.

You're right about Me - I am definitely the God of second chances. But - and there's no nice way to put this - you are way, way past second.

Let's have a quick tally.

Actual Commandments you've broken:
Adultery, several counts of bearing false witness, and misuse of public funds, which counts as stealing. That's three right there, okay?

Then the rules Jesus added in the Sermon on the Mount about lust in your heart and swapping your spouse for a new model. You broke those too. Please go ahead and read that whole thing again.

Anyway, this brings us to...
6. Humiliating your wife by cheating on her in the most public way possible.

And of course proving that you are hypocritical garbage by...
7. Voting to impeach Bill Clinton and telling CNN in 1999, "The issue of lying is probably the biggest harm, if you will, to the system of democratic government, representative government, because it undermines trust. And if you undermine trust in our system, you undermine everything."

8. Opposing gay marriage, and even civil unions, and voting against gay adoption in Congress. I should count that as more than one thing, but let's just keep moving.

9. You announced in 2009 that your political career was over. That's more a broken promise than a lie. But when you said it, you added this: "This is truly not about Mark Sanford anymore.'' And that was definitely a lie. A whopper, Mark. You've never felt that sentiment in your entire narcissistic life.


"Happy Presidents' Day, Which I Totally Invented" By Richard Nixon

Hi there. I am speaking to you from the ninth level of the Kingdom of Shadows, where I am encased up to my buttocks in a lake of ice. And I wanted to wish all of you a very happy Presidents' Day, even though I completely made it up, and it's not real.

Bet you didn't know that, did you? Here's the quote from the US Mint website:

Since the passage of the Monday Holidays Act, Washington's birthday has been celebrated on the third Monday in February. President Nixon called the holiday "Presidents' Day" to honor all past presidents. Many states and people have followed his example, though "Washington's Birthday" is still the holiday's legal name for the federal government.

And the US Office of Personnel Management confirms it.

You're having that M. Night Shyamalan moment, aren't you? The whole world flipped inside out, and now you feel queasy and powerless. Plus I just reminded you of M. Night Shyamalan, so it hurts even more. This is what I do. And it's why this day is my real legacy. I have left an imprint on your conceptual world, and it allows me to screw with you from beyond the grave. So have we all.

Every one of us, every thug, liar, and scoundrel who managed to shimmy up that greasy pole changed how we govern the country in big and small ways... some of them quite unnoticeable. People want to honor the brave and the smart and the honest. But isn't so much of our history about guys like me?


A Message To The College Of Cardinals From The Holy Spirit

Folks, I'm not coming.

I don't know how you're going to pick the new guy. I don't care how you're going to pick the new guy. Puff the white smoke, don't puff the white smoke, it makes absolutely no difference. I refuse to be a part of this, this - I want to say train wreck, obviously, but at least train wrecks have the decency to stop at some point.

Flip a coin, play Monopoly, try competitive teabagging... however you select the new pontiff, I want everyone reading this to understand that I, the breath of the Almighty, the small still voice of Yahweh, the third distinct Holy Person in the mystical entity known to the faithful as the Triune God, will play absolutely no role in this purple freak show. I will be inspiring none of you. I will invest no one with the strength to become the heir of St. Peter and manage the affairs of the Bride of Christ on earth. Suck it, chumps. You're on your own.

This should surprise no one. Anybody following the Charlie-Sheen-porn-family you people have become will probably not even shrug at this announcement. It's difficult to find a Cardinal who doesn't resemble Keyser Söze in drag. Pick the spiritual leader of millions? Most of you guys are lucky you're not in prison.

Defender of the indefensible Peggy Noonan worries that Cardinal Roger Mahony will be voting, because he's done all the things you'd expect from a guy in his line of work. But he'd join a long procession of disgrace: the Dean of the College has his own experience trying to hide abuse cases. And so have other Cardinals. Some have tried to pin the blame on gay people, but I'm not buying it. I'm the Holy Spirit, okay? I know things. And there are plenty of other horror stories. One Cardinal defended Catholic officials in Brazil when they excommunicated doctors who performed an abortion on a nine year-old girl, who'd allegedly been raped by her stepfather. She had twins, and the doctors were concerned that her small body couldn't accommodate one fetus, let alone two. It didn't matter.


Here's the best news Democrats will get all day...

Right now on Facebook there are almost 600 people who like this picture and about 400 people who've shared it. And by all accounts they are doing so unironically. It is powerful evidence that there exist a sizeable chunk of people who not only support a Nugent/Palin candidacy, but who think this kind of thing would actually scare liberals.

God bless them for it.

They really don't know that these two would lose uglier than Clay Aiken trying to kickbox a cougar. They don't get that a Nugent/Palin candidacy would have 60% of its votes literally come from people who'd lost fingers in firework accidents. They don't see how they blew the last two presidential elections.

They're worse than my hound dog Daisy, who, when she was younger, tried to chew a live electric wire and got a bad shock. Because Daisy's smart enough not to chew a live wire again. These people, these wonderful Republican voters... they're ready to do it a few more times, just to see what happens.

When you're low, when you're blue, when the night is dark... I want you to think about these gorgeous idiots, and all the work they've done for the Democratic cause.

And they're ready for more punishment, every single one of them.

Ain't that America?

I'm Just Some Bills, Yes I'm Only Some Bills

I'm just some bills. Yep, I'm only a wad of bills. And I'm sitting here in a plastic bag in the trunk of someone's car. Up on Capitol Hill.

It's a long, long way for a guy like me to become part of the system and really change things. Someone needs to add me to a whole pile of money before we can get anything done. And how they do that is a very intricate and misunderstood process. I could explain it to you in a story, or maybe even a song. But you wouldn't want to learn my little jingle. You'd just get mad and maybe start to cry.

I'm waiting for someone to funnel me into a creepy, anonymous-sounding organization with a name like "People For A Better Way Forward For America." Maybe some page will hand me out to a journalist so he won't run a story or give me to a financial analyst or a retired military officer so they can go on TV and say something sort of dangerous and untrue. It's complicated!

Boy, I sure hope I can help some Congressmen deregulate a whole industry or maybe support the next war. I want to convince thousands of ordinary people to call up Washington and each make the same demand, because it's exactly what two dozen political operatives told them to do on every major network using weirdly identical language. And no one called them on it, because why would anyone do that?

I guess I'm like everyone else. I want to make a difference. Oh I hope and pray that I will, but today I am still... just some bills.

I'll probably just go to a hooker.

READ "Debating US Foreign Policy With A Talking Captain America Doll"
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