December 17, 2013

More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today

(No. 14 in a series)

With extra special holiday looks into the world of conservative doublethink!

Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican During the Holiday Season Today:

* Using the word "Holiday" instead of "Christmas" pisses you off.

* A Turkish saint and a Jewish carpenter from Palestine were both white.

* The true hero of "It's a Wonderful Life" is Mister Potter, the visionary Job Creator, and the villain is that communist George Bailey.
(Thanks to [url=

#t=186]Jimmy Kimmel[/url] for this one.)

In a similar vein...

* "A Christmas Carol" is a horror story, the tale of a practical, thrifty Job Creator who was turned into a communist after being stalked and brainwashed by some ghosts.

And now to the (ir)regularly scheduled More Things You Have To Believe To Be A Republican Today:

* You routinely refer to the President as a Nazi Communist Kenyan Muslin N****r Who Hates America but get offended when the Tea Party is compared to the Klan.

One from David Vitter that, shockingly enough, has nothing to do with hookers or diapers:

* You vote to cut NASA's budget, then bitch that not enough new contracts are being issued by NASA to the factory in your state.

* A US Senator who wants to impeach the President for nothing, thinks helping Mexicans with medical problems is bad, wants to offset disaster relief funds to his own state, supports executing doctors who perform legal medical procedures he dislikes, prohibit scientists from studying science that may come to conclusions he doesn't like, thinks the sequester is a good idea, doesn't want veterans to have jobs, and thinks companies should have the right to not be sued when their employees rape people has the moral authority to call anyone else an asshole.

* You cheer at racist, immigrant-bashing Southern white supremacist speeches from a Canadian Latino.

* The rainbow flag is divisive and offensive. The Confederate flag is only a symbol of pride and heritage.

* The Chief of Staff of George W. "Iraq Was Involved With 911 And Has Nuclear Weapons" Bush has the moral authority to call President Obama a liar.

* It is shocking and disgusting that Joe Biden still had a political career after his 1988 plagiarism scandal. Rand Paul's plagiarism scandal is overblown and everybody should just shut up about it.

* Gagging at the sight of mixed-raced couples is not racist.

* Our foreign policy toward Israel and the Middle East should be guided by Biblical prophesy.

* A glitchy web site is exactly the same thing as letting a major American city drown.

* Elderly women are prone to having children.

* Insurance company weasels cancelling their junk policies because they don't comply with the Affordable Care Act means that President Obama is a big liar.

* You shouldn't have to buy health insurance because you're young and healthy, and naturally you will be young and healthy forever.

* The North was in the wrong during the Civil War. It is disgusting that Obama isn't attending the celebration of the 150th anniversary of the Gettysburg Address.

* You're an alcoholic Republican congressman with a cocaine habit who supports forcing food stamp applicants to take a drug test.

* JFK and Martin Luther King were conservatives. Richard Nixon and George W. Bush were liberals.

* Rush Limbaugh and Pat Buchanan are greater experts in Catholic theology than Pope Francis.

* Nelson Mandela was a racist communist terrorist, but also a secret conservative who would have opposed the Affordable Care Act.