I'm not sure there is a good place to put this, it's more of an ethical question than religious..

[Fumesucker]

On the other hand it's not really Lounge material since I'm asking a serious question and I know how it would get treated there.

I was talking with a friend the other day who's the female half of a heterosexual couple.. She mentioned that her husband has a hard time concentrating when the TV is on, that it draws his attention like a magnet from whatever it is he's doing. The wife then went on to say that when she's trying to have a discussion with her husband his attention is often drawn to the TV (which she has on a lot, he's not much of a watcher) and she thought it was disrespectful to her that he couldn't completely concentrate on what she has to say in spite of the distraction.

Looking at it from the other perspective though it seems to me that it's a bit disrespectful to have something that you know full well is a distraction to another person going while you are trying to have a discussion with them and then blaming them for getting distracted by it.

I tried to make this point as gently as I could but she was having none of it, it's all the husband's fault in her mind, he doesn't love her enough to totally concentrate on what she has to say.

What do you think about this situation, is it disrespectful for the husband to not pay full attention in the face of a known distracting influence? How about the opposite, is it disrespectful to attempt conversation when you know the other person has a hard time maintaining complete focus under the conditions?

My solution was turn off the TV when trying to have a serious conversation but as I said, she wasn't buying it.

[ZombieHorde]

1. In my opinion, communication is the basis of a happy marriage, and should take

priority over the TV during important conversations.

he doesn't love her enough to totally concentrate on what she has to say.

She is using "mind reading," which is really common with married couples, but it is also really destructive to the marriage.

[teddy51]

2. I agree with you, turn the damn idiot box off if you want to have a serious discussion.

My thoughts, she is the one with the problem because she openly admits that he loses concentration when the TV is on.

[sinkingfeeling]

3. I agree with you.

[immoderate]

4. She is playing against evolution...

Human attention has evolved to be attracted to motion in the environment, and particularly these day, TV images are always in motion. They even have animated backgrounds for "talking head" shows.

When I'm in an environment with TV screens, it's hard not to look at them. Campfires have the same effect.

--imm

[unblock]

5. in situations like this, i imagine what miss manners would say

and i imagine she would say that in polite society, we don't try to have our conversations compete over the entertainment. either talk or watch tv.

in our house, we never watch live tv, EVERYTHING we watch is on tivo(dvr). so if we want to talk, we just pause the show and talk.


that said, are you asking when SHE should do or what YOU should do?

sometimes people go to their friends not for solutions, but just for validation. if you're not getting anywhere with hints about turning off the tv, it may be best to fall back to something like, "wow, it sucks that you're having this communication issue. i trust you two will find some way to work it out." in my case, i could add "mrs. unblock and i had similar problems once upon a time so i know how trying it can be." that's an opening for her to ask about how WE resolved OUR problem, which is fair game to talk about. if she bites, you can explain; if not, drop it and just be supportive.

[Fumesucker]

6. I'm done with it..

Said my piece and anything more would just provoke conflict..

She is basically one of those people who cannot understand why anything that's easy for her to do could possibly be difficult for someone else..

"I have no problem ignoring the TV, I do it all the time, why can't he?".

I was just wondering what others thought of this particular little scenario.

[enough]

7. If you want someone to pay attention to ANYTHING other than the TV,

turn off the TV.

[bananas]

8. Tell her she's being passive-aggressive and doing it on purpose just to have an excuse for being mad

at her husband.
Tell her if she isn't willing to turn the TV off, maybe she needs therapy.
This will piss her off and annoy her so much that the next time she's talking to her husband she'll turn the TV off.

The downside is she might tell you you're right, she did something bad and wants to blame it on her husband.
Then she'll tell you the gory details and you have to be the therapist.

[PassingFair]

9. She's wrong. You're right.

Now explain to me again why you posted this in the "religion" room?

[Fumesucker]

10. Not really GD material... Definitely not Lounge either..

As I already indicated, no really good place for it so I plunked it here because it's the closest thing to a philosophy forum I'm aware of on DU..

I'll delete the OP if you wish..

[PassingFair]

11. I think you'll get more and varied responses if you post it in the lounge.

Not being snarky....

Post is OK by me here....but this is a practical question
about interpersonal interaction, and I think the loungers
would love to weigh in.

[dimbear]

12. Plan ahead for serious discussions. Choose your time.

Keep a copy of Lysistrata around.