Grief without God is a challenge for nonbelievers

[rug]

Rebecca Hensler started a support group for grieving atheists to help them deal with loss and death without religion.

Kimberly Winston|Feb 17, 2012
Religion News Service

BERKELEY, Calif. – When Rebecca Hensler's infant son died in 2009, she received numerous condolences from friends, colleagues and even total strangers she met online.

She knew their intentions were good, but their words weren't always helpful. And in the rawness of her grief, Hensler found some of them downright hurtful.

Hensler is an atheist, so when people described her three-month-old son Jude as being an angel, or part of God's plan, or "in a better place" than in his mother's arms, the pain sometimes overwhelmed her.

&quot Atheists) don't think we are going to get to hold our children again," Hensler told a group of about 30 members of the East Bay Atheists, a monthly gathering of nontheists, where her descriptions of people's visions of her son as an angel drew a few gasps.

http://www.religionnews.com/culture/social-issues/grief-without-god-a-challenge-for-unbelievers

[yellerpup]

1. Good that she found a place to grieve

in her own way. Nothing is worse than losing a child.

[southernyankeebelle]

11. There is no worse to losing a child. I don't care if you believe or a non-believer. Your heart

never forgets that wound. Ever. I know I would never forget that hurt of losing my child.

[marasinghe]

16. i think you're absolutely right.

doesn't even matter whether one is human.

i've seen animal mothers display signs of heart-rending grief.

[southernyankeebelle]

17. Yes I agree. I even cry when I don't know the child.

[yellerpup]

18. My friends' youngest son (27)

was killed by a drunk driver last Friday. Heartbreak that never goes away.

[southernyankeebelle]

19. OMG how terrible. Our children aren't suppose to die before us.

[yellerpup]

20. They say they'd rather have him for the time they did

than never know him at all. They are a traditional (non-christian) Native American family and will be having a traditional burial for him. I can't imagine the pain.

[southernyankeebelle]

21. That is a good attitude. I guess they feel time heels all.

[Trajan]

2. I think the premise is incorrect ...

Atheists grieve like anyone else .... They have to go through the pain of the event and suffer the sadness and despair like anyone else ... Religionists speak the words and perform the rituals, but they have to process the same pain and sadness as an atheist ...

I don't think the words of religious solace are any more effective than the simple kinds words of support without a religious overtone ...

In other words: Perhaps believers suffer just as badly as Atheists, but mistakenly believe that their religious platitudes somehow shorten and reduce their grief ... There is no reason to believe that is actually true .... It's bad for everyone ...

[Warren Stupidity]

3. Grief is a challenge for everyone.

Oh and having had a colleague go through the death of a very young child, the "all part of god's" plan and related idiocy is not exactly helpful to grieving religious people either. What surprised me was hearing that observation from the Benedictine monk who spoke at the funeral service.

[darkstar3]

4. Exactly.

[darkstar3]

5. This just in: Religion serves as an effective emotional crutch.

In other news, Pope Benedict today reaffirmed that he is indeed Catholic.

[rug]

6. And what do you call her support group?

[darkstar3]

12. Wouldn't a support group be axiomatically an emotional crutch?

[rug]

13. One of many.

There's nothing wrong with an emotional crutch when your emotions are crippled.

[darkstar3]

14. I never said there was something wrong with it.

But crutches are generally for temporary use.

[rug]

15. So is grief.

[Lost-in-FL]

7. Sometimes it doesn't really matter at all if you speak or not, the pain does not go away.

Sometimes you feel as if you are in a tunnel and people speak to you but you are still going through the emotions and your brain is spinning out of control. I think it goes the same way for both religious or non-religious (atheists).

It is quite true what she says about having to deal with well meaning believers and their sometimes hurful comments. But the comments happen to believers too, not just atheists. The usual comment for example… "you are still young, you can have another child in the near future", can be hurtful to both equally. However, I was told the asinine comments insinuating that perhaps it is a test or a mean to finally accept god into one's life (the person had the answer that they deserved).

Dealing with grief is as painful for both non-believers and believers. It doesn't matter if your loved one becomes an angel (in the case of Christians) or leaves existence too early to enjoy their presence (my view of not being able to hold or see loved one's again). Pain is overwhelming regardless, specially when losing a child.

Having no where else to turn to, I was forced to research for a counselor with no religious or spiritual attachments until I found the one who helped me deal with my grief. I never felt any curiosity or need to seek something of transcendence (religion, rituals, etc.), I just wanted the pain to go away. My councelor was extremely respectful and superbly helpful even when I let her know from the get go about my personal views about death and religion. Looking back, after two years of counseling, we didn't once spoke about anything remotely close to religion.

[rug]

8. When my daughter died I couldn't watch toy commercials.

Or cereal commercials. Not for a long time.

Solace is hard to come by, from any source.

[Lost-in-FL]

10. ...

I know what you mean.

[2ndAmForComputers]

9. Or, you feel some relief that those sadistic "hell" stories are lies

and therefore your divorced/gay/atheist/etc. family member is actually NOT going to be tortured for eternity like the psychos say.

[saras]

22. Listening - one of the best services to offer - doesn't require such assumptions

Ask what would help. Provide it without skimping, and without imposing your own agenda. Repeat as necessary.

"I am just paralyzed and CANNOT CLEAN THE FUCKING HOUSE" is more likely to be a real request for assistance than "I need an amazing insight into where my baby's soul went after the truck crushed him to pulp."

[AlbertCat]

23. "I am just paralyzed and CANNOT CLEAN THE FUCKING HOUSE"

My mother hated funerals and thought they were barbaric rituals.... especially with open coffins. So she would go to the family's house while everyone was at the funeral and answer the door, answer the phone, tidy up, cook something if necessary.... that sort of thing. She was super efficient... Head of Nursing at Wesley-Long Hospital. My father said she could get more done in a hour than most people could in a day. I'm a hopeless klutz, but I like her idea and do the same thing. (I hate funerals too)