This is going to be a very rough day

[Siwsan]

Today is my late sister's 66th Birthday. She died in 2015 and I have yet to really get a handle on my grief.

I've always felt a massive amount of 'survivor' guilt because she was a wife, mother, beloved teacher, active in her church and pretty much loved by everyone. Her death was a massive loss to so many. I never doubted that if my mom had ever been forced into a 'King Solomon's Choice' between her two daughters, my sister would be the one who was still here. In a way it was a blessing that mom was so overcome by Alzheimer's, when my sister died, that she never had to feel that pain.

My sister and I were very, very close. I was the one who stayed with her after she gave birth. The one who would take the kids so she and her husband could have some time together. Unfortunately I've now had to accept that I am a casualty to their dad's 'new' relationship, which is really just a reunion with a former girlfriend who couldn't possibly be any more opposite of my sister and seems determined to isolate my former brother in law from our family. Well, and she succeeded. He was pretty clear on where I now stand in his list of priorities, which is I'm not on it. Today has brought all of this crashing back into my mind.

I could go on an on about what has happened over the past 8 years, but I'm still dealing with the anniversary of my dad's death, and the loss of little Tudor, on Sunday.

It seems the best thing for me to do is put today on hold and spend the day with all of my fur babies.

[TSExile]

1. God bless you, my friend.

Hopefully you can spend today with your fur babies and decompress. 🙏❤

[vlyons]

2. Sounds like a good plan

We cannot control how other people behave. We can only control how we ourselves think and behave. Your BIL has clearly signaled that he wants his own space. Perhaps he still grieves his late wife too. In your own mind, wish him and his family great happiness.

[Siwsan]

5. Unfortunately he has turned into his father.

A man who despised me as much as I did him. He took great joy in humiliating me in public. And now his son has started to do the same thing, which has left me beyond stunned. It's made worse by the fact his dad abandoned him and his sisters when he was about 5, had an affair with and married his sister in law, dumped her and then he rarely saw him until he married my sister. Why he has started to emulate this guy has left me truly baffled.

He never really let himself grieve my sister's death. Even his kids have said this. He let this female erase my sister from the house. When we scattered her ashes, I chose her favorite garden where she had little angel figurines. He never bothered to tell me he was going to dig that garden up and build a garage on top of it. So, in my mind, my sister's ashes were dug up and dumped somewhere. Her pictures were stuck in a storage closet KNOWN for having mice and many of them were chewed up beyond repair. My niece managed to rescue what was left.

I'm sorry - I have so much rage and grief built up inside, I should probably call my therapist and move my appointment to sooner but I'm seeing him in 2 weeks so I'll just get through today, somehow.

[vlyons]

15. In Buddhism, I am taught to have compassion for all sentient beings equally and without exception.

Including assholes like your BIL. Most especially for them, because they are ignorant about how much suffering they bring upon themselves and others. Bad behavior and ugly thoughts does not create a happy life. What he sees in you is not really you, but merely a reflection of his very own mind. What he thinks about you are merely labels and opinions that he creates and cultivates in his own mind. So when he disrespects you, just practice patience and let the ugliness go by, out the door, and down the street. He is ignorant and doesn't know any better.

As to rage. Anger is poison. I have a lot of experience with anger. It has never made me happy and content. When it arises in my mind, I tell myself, "Anger is poison. Don't go there. It's not helpful." Makes it a lot easier to just let it go.

When anger arises, I contemplate the 4 Immeasurable Thoughts.

- May all beings be free of suffering and free of the causes and conditions of suffering.
- May all beings be happy, and have the causes and conditions for happiness.
- May all beings know the joy of appreciating the success, happiness, and well beings of others.
- May all beings rest in the equanimity and peace of mind with no attachments and no aversions.

[LoisB]

17. I have copied this to practice in my own life. Thank you for this.

[judesedit]

18. That is very good advice for us all. Thank you for the reminder

Ultimately, we are all one

[Siwsan]

21. I try. Believe me, I try. I think my heart and soul has been ravaged by so many deaths

And my ability to be compassionate with this individual pretty much evaporated when I was treated with such disrespect and humiliated so bad, in public, in front of his kids, that all I could do was sit in stunned silence and try to keep the tears from exploding. It was like a repeat of how his father treated me. When nobody took up for me, either time, probably to avoid causing a scene, I kind of died inside. This was followed by being told, at Christmas time, that I really wasn't all that important, anymore, and at a time when I already felt like emotional road kill.

I am finding it better to just emotionally let go of people who don't value me. I wish I was a better person. If I ever can truly heal, maybe I can be.

[vlyons]

26. Just remember to tell yourself that negative thoughts are not helpful.

Thoughts and feelings have a way of becoming habits. Negative thoughts and feelings are bad habits, like smoking and gambling. But we can chose to think different thoughts. When you catch yourself thinking negative, self-pitying and angry thoughts, just tell yourself: "Oh look, I'm dwelling on those same old thoughts and memories again. Well those aren't helpful. Think I'll go pet some kittys. You can also tell yourself that you aspire every hour of every day to let go of negative unhelpful thoughts and memories. The more you cultivate peaceful and compassionate thoughts, the more they become you mental habits.

All experience is preceded by mind.
Led by mind, created by mind.
Speak or act with a contaminated mind and suffering follows,
Like the wheel of the wagon follows the hoof of the ox.

All experience is preceded by mind.
Led by mind, created by mind.
Speak or act with a peaceful mind and happiness follows,
Like a never-departing shadow.

-- The Dharmapada

[Butterflylady]

22. Thank you for those words of wisdom.

I also follow the words of Buddha. Careful of what I say or think because I believe what you say, think or do has every to do with what happens in our future lives.
I will admit at times it's very, very hard.

[summer_in_TX]

33. Reminds me of a 12-Step practice when I was dealing with resentment.

I'd offended my co-worker but unintentionally and in what I perceived to be a minor way. Her response was a nuclear blast that I didn't understand. She didn't speak to me. I resented her treatment and the frustration and pain it caused me.

Several years later I was invited to a 12-step program for Christians. As part of what we were learning, my sponsor told me to pray for that person for at least 30 days, for everything I would like for myself and loved ones.

So every day I prayed for her to be free of suffering, to be happy, successful, have friends and loved ones with whom she had wonderful relationships. At the end of the thirty days, my resentment was virtually gone. Once in awhile it would creep back in and then I'd pray for her again. After that spiritual practice, I repented of and released the resentment.

What had bothered me every day for years and consumed many hours (including interfering with being able to sleep) while trying to figure out how to make things right, no longer pressed on me.

I ran into her a number of months later, and she acted like we'd always been friends, speaking to me easily. We didn't see each other often afterwards, but it was friendly each time. She developed breast cancer, and it came back after they'd hoped it was cured. She passed away last week. I'm sad, but also thankful that no resentment lingered between us.

[blm]

3. The fur babies say they need you to do that, too.

😻

💐💐

[hlthe2b]

4. Immersed in your sea of loving fur babies... that is the most healing thing I can imagine doing.

Be good to yourself.

[niyad]

6. Hugggggggs., dear friend. I hereby declare a day out of time for you, and

decree that you shall spend it surrounded by the love and comfort and needs of your furries. And remember that your DU family is here for you.

[2naSalit]

9. +1

[MiHale]

7. ((((Hugs))))....take the day to yourself

enjoy the kitcats, little later, have a G&T.

[RainCaster]

8. You've got the right idea...

Your fur babies need you. You are their security. Enjoy their company, and remember all the good times you've had with your sister.

[wendyb-NC]

10. My heart goes out to you, in your grief

Peace and healing to you.

[FM123]

11. Sending you extra care today...

Keep those fur babies close, let them help you breathe through the day.

[Goddessartist]

12. Sending you lots of love. You're right where you need to be. You are so loved.

[Polly Hennessey]

13. Rage and gruief are harming only you. You are the one who deserves your kindness.

All of us recognize who you are, Siwsan, and we love you because you are you. We do not have the luxury of choosing our families. We can only love, tolerate, or ignore them. Your kittens adore you and so do we. Tudor was a little bright light in our lives brought to us by you. Take comfort in knowing that today will soon be tomorrow. 🤗

[calimary]

16. That is a good way to view the situation.

“Take comfort in knowing that today will soon be tomorrow. 🤗 “

Thank you, Polly!

And Siwsan, your kitty adventures have delighted and fascinated us here, and will keep on doing so as long as you care to keep sharing them. Take heart. Families come in all shapes and sizes and kinds. Even including internet ones.

[judesedit]

19. x1000

[2naSalit]

14. It's a take care of yourself day.

Rx includes lots of snuggles with all the fur babies and only doing the things that feel good or have a positive resolve. It's kind of a dark time, both Mercury and Pluto are in the depths of retrograde, it's hard to imagine things going well most of the time right now. This, too, shall pass.

Having had a once normal family turned dysfunctional to the nth degree, I can relate to your depressed state of mind. Four weeks ago was the anniversary of my older sister's passing, she killed herself; the passing of the love of my life; many a significant loss finds an anniversary at the end of July for me including the loss of favorite pets. It's mind bending.

Just unplug from all the grief, focus on your good deeds and celebrate that you have a positive effect on all those kitties and, at the same time, give many in your DU family a touch of realness and love and sweetness and compassion. To many of us, that is far more than you might imagine, my dear.

You do far more for so many that you underestimate your worth, I would hope that you will be able to reflect on that positive energy when you feel down about those whom you had no choice to have experiences with as a family. Sure, our biological (and their attachments) family members abuse and damage us in so many ways, some intentionally, some unintentionally in pursuit of their own peace or whatever. Their paths will not always parallel our own and we don't have to suffer postpartum depression over them, even the ones we once held in esteem.

Anyway, I hope you can release those bonds that drag you down and find more joy to replace the depression.

[LoisB]

20. Focus on the beautiful little fur babies. Your BIL's ugliness can't compete with all that cuteness

and love.

[niyad]

23. Just a quick reminder: " Your friends are god's way of apologizing for your

relatives."

[LiberalLoner]

24. I am so sorry for your loss and deep grief. 🙏🙏🙏

[majdrfrtim]

25. Please be gentle with yourself.

Probably thirty years ago a friend wrote me, "Grief is not a mental illness, though it sure as hell can *feel* like one -- probably because every new grief has the potential to reawaken any (or every!) old grief." My sincere condolences to you.

[gademocrat7]

27. Sending you hugs and love, Siwsan.

Take care.

[Wild blueberry]

28. Your love for your sister shines through

Maybe cuddle with your fur babies and tell them all about your beloved sister.
Today belongs to you and her and the lifelong bond you share, yes still.
Please take care of your sweet self.

[1WorldHope]

29. I've never met you and I love you.

I'm uplifted by your example of living. When you are down, I'm uplifted by all these eclectic, wise, and kind friends that come to your aid. I wish all the people who responded to you today could come together and spend the afternoon in the garden with you and your kitties. Breath in love, exhale peace. You are not really alone. 🤟🏻

[stage left]

30. Siwsan,

Your worth, your love, your abundance of compassion is evident here on DU everyday. May you have peace and joy.

[wysimdnwyg]

31. I find the best balm for the soul is...

A cat or kitten laying on or against me, purring. It always does wonders for my emotional wellness.

[CaptainTruth]

32. As others have said, be kind to yourself, take care of yourself.

I've always tried to let go of anger & grief, because carrying them only weighs you down, & focus on all the good things in life.

If I were you, I think I would surround myself with kittens. With all you do for them you're spreading life, & love, & happiness.

Sending hugs...

[debm55]

34. Hugs for you, Siwsan.