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Thu Feb 2, 2012, 10:44 AM

A Year After (marking the death anniversary of my best friend)

"Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it.” Joan Didion.

I knew I was going to lose Debjani long before I lost her but I was not prepared for what I felt when it actually did. I didn’t realize how profound death is, how permanent and how unrelenting.

There is no chance to say that one thing you really want to tell her today. No one to receive the text message saying, “Incidentally I think I see my first wrinkle”. There is not another chance to get a glass of wine together. No chance to ask her what color should my wedding dress be? Death is unrelenting.

You think you understand the permanency of death, but till you’ve lost someone so close to you, you don’t.

It turns out that grief can be bottomless, just when you think you’ve hit the nadir of grief, you realize you’ve just skimmed the surface. How much pain, how much anger, how much bitterness you can feel are things you don’t realize.

You don’t get that you will literally reel in shock for months. You don’t realize that you’ll program her phone number into your new phone, because you don’t expect to be the crazy person who feels that when her best friend returns, you’ll need the number again.

You don’t think about how you’ll walk around envisioning your own death and how it could impact those you love. How many things you’ll avoid doing to prevent your loved ones from the kind of pain you now feel. You’ll avoid getting on motorcycles even though you love bike rides. You know you’ll never go hand gliding or white water rafting.

These things may have been on your bucket list but your bucket list will change. Hand gliding will be replaced by “spend more time with the people you love, because you don’t how long they have left”. You’ll look at life through the lens of death. You’ll finally understand mortality.

I struggled with this post. Should I have written something that told you more about my best friend or should I write about how the year after her feels. I know it may sound self-pitying but how profoundly I felt the loss of Debooh and how much I changed from it, is a testament to our friendship. This is the best way I could convey what her death anniversary meant to me and what she meant to me.

31 replies, 5024 views

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Arrow 31 replies Author Time Post
Reply A Year After (marking the death anniversary of my best friend) (Original post)
La Lioness Priyanka Feb 2012 OP
Kali Feb 2012 #1
La Lioness Priyanka Feb 2012 #11
HappyMe Feb 2012 #2
La Lioness Priyanka Feb 2012 #12
LynneSin Feb 2012 #3
hedgehog Feb 2012 #4
La Lioness Priyanka Feb 2012 #14
La Lioness Priyanka Feb 2012 #13
Tikki Feb 2012 #5
La Lioness Priyanka Feb 2012 #15
fizzgig Feb 2012 #6
PRETZEL Feb 2012 #7
La Lioness Priyanka Feb 2012 #16
RiffRandell Feb 2012 #8
La Lioness Priyanka Feb 2012 #17
ScreamingMeemie Feb 2012 #9
La Lioness Priyanka Feb 2012 #19
derby378 Feb 2012 #10
La Lioness Priyanka Feb 2012 #21
supernova Feb 2012 #18
La Lioness Priyanka Feb 2012 #20
MadrasT Feb 2012 #22
La Lioness Priyanka Feb 2012 #24
CaliforniaPeggy Feb 2012 #23
La Lioness Priyanka Feb 2012 #25
WCGreen Feb 2012 #26
La Lioness Priyanka Feb 2012 #27
Swede Feb 2012 #28
La Lioness Priyanka Feb 2012 #29
Ptah Feb 2012 #30
La Lioness Priyanka Feb 2012 #31

Response to La Lioness Priyanka (Original post)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 11:14 AM

1. her spirit

has touched far-away people thanks to you...

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Response to Kali (Reply #1)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 01:39 PM

11. thank you kali!

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Response to La Lioness Priyanka (Original post)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 12:01 PM

2. ...





You have written a lovely memorial to her, your friendship, and given us something to ponder.

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Response to HappyMe (Reply #2)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 01:40 PM

12. thank you for reading it

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Response to La Lioness Priyanka (Original post)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 12:13 PM

3. Can't think of anything to say but

:hugs:

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Response to LynneSin (Reply #3)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 12:26 PM

4. Agree with the

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Response to hedgehog (Reply #4)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 01:41 PM

14. thanks for the hug hedgehog

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Response to LynneSin (Reply #3)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 01:40 PM

13. thanks for the hugs!

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Response to La Lioness Priyanka (Original post)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 12:33 PM

5. I'm always in awe of best friendships....

Sometimes strong glimpses of the unconditional fun you two shared will begin to overtake the sadness...let it happen.

So sad for you that you lost this friend.


Tikki

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Response to Tikki (Reply #5)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 01:42 PM

15. thanks tiki

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Response to La Lioness Priyanka (Original post)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 12:38 PM

6. ...

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Response to La Lioness Priyanka (Original post)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 12:42 PM

7. I think you told us more about her and about you than you may have realized

the loss of someone close forever changes people. More importantly, it's the memories shared and the bonds formed as a result of those memories. Those are forever and unending.

You were as close to her as she was to you. That will never change. You may not get the chance to hear her voice on the phone, but you should never stop talking to her. She knows you and knows what to say even if the words don't come from her lips.

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Response to PRETZEL (Reply #7)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 01:43 PM

16. thanks pretzel

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Response to La Lioness Priyanka (Original post)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 12:56 PM

8. Thanks for posting this.

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Response to RiffRandell (Reply #8)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 01:43 PM

17. thanks for reading RR

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Response to La Lioness Priyanka (Original post)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 01:01 PM

9. I like that you wrote about you...

I still catch my breath over the fact that Leonard is not here and is gone too soon.

When we talk about ourselves it gives those who wish to judge our grief and opportunity to realize that grief has so many facets and can not be pinpointed. In stages or any other form.

My heart goes out to you. Personally I don't think we ever get over these losses...we find a way to cope.

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Response to ScreamingMeemie (Reply #9)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 01:44 PM

19. its true. losses like this change you in fundamental ways

and you don't get over it.

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Response to La Lioness Priyanka (Original post)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 01:05 PM

10. I am so sorry for your loss

And yes, I'm still trying to get over the death of Ginny. It has gotten easier, but just yesterday I had another crying fit. I want to be done with the tears, but it just shows how much she meant to me.

Thank you for sharing your beautiful post.

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Response to derby378 (Reply #10)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 01:46 PM

21. sorry for your loss as well

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Response to La Lioness Priyanka (Original post)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 01:43 PM

18. She was a lovely person

to have captured your heart so.

After a time, it's possible to realize that because they lived in our lives, they gave us the capacity to feel so deeply and intensely and that is the essence of being alive.

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Response to supernova (Reply #18)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 01:45 PM

20. thanks supernova

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Response to La Lioness Priyanka (Original post)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 01:54 PM

22. Thank you for sharing with us

I recently lost someone very close and you have expressed a lot of the things I am experiencing, too.

I get the urge to send a text or call him and then realize (all over again)... he isn't there anymore... and isn't going to be there. Ever. Then my head starts going WTF! WTF? WTF!?! all over again.

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Response to MadrasT (Reply #22)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 01:59 PM

24. the permanency really takes time to get used to

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Response to La Lioness Priyanka (Original post)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 01:55 PM

23. Your tribute is so beautiful, so moving, so true...

I have a friend I'm close to the way you are with Debooh...

Someday he will die, and I will turn again to your words to help me cope.

I see clearly how such a loss can affect you, down to your core, your heart.

Your beautiful words have made me weep.

Thank you.

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Response to La Lioness Priyanka (Original post)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 02:45 PM

26. Nothing to say but wow...

The power of grief is so relentless, so bitter and unending...

Until one day, one day Debooh will let you know it's time...

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Response to WCGreen (Reply #26)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 03:36 PM

27. Thanks.

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Response to La Lioness Priyanka (Original post)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 03:59 PM

28. I remember this very well. My close friend also had breast cancer diagnosed a year ago.

Your correspondence with me during that time was comforting. My friend had a partial mastectomy and is doing fine.
Grief is a terrible wound,that over time becomes a scar. It will always be with us.

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Response to Swede (Reply #28)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 04:32 PM

29. so glad to hear your friend is fine

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Response to La Lioness Priyanka (Original post)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 05:07 PM

30. Your profound loss saddens me.

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Response to Ptah (Reply #30)

Thu Feb 2, 2012, 06:29 PM

31. thank you ptah

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