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Sun Dec 30, 2012, 04:46 PM

Parkology

Parkology

The study of parkology (which for some reason spellcheck claims is a misspelling) is a relatively old science despite beliefs to the contrary. One needs look no further than the invention of the wheel, to discover references to this obscure but important study. In fact parkology was simultaneously invented with the wheel, by people hoping to make their life "just that much simpler". Sadly the entire feat "backfired", no pun intended, for the necessitated study of parkology, easily outweighed any apparent gains attained by the wheel.

The parking lot has revealed a microcosm of personal self-interest psychology. Here you have a plethora of options: each space filling with the property and self interest of one a mere moment before someone else decided this was the perfect spot.

Parking lot methodology is never clear cut. Algorithms to date are inadequate, and true parking masters rarely share their secrets. Surprisingly there appears to be a peculiar phenomenon of late, in which the "best" parking spots are left unfilled. Early theories on this phenomenon, revealed a kind of altruistic vision to help an unidentified class of people. It has never been fully understood who this group is, or why they are so valued, because most of these spaces remain unfilled for near infinite amounts if time, frustrating the pursuits of others, wondering why they have been unable to lure this special class into these spots. Various incentives, including colorful signs and impressive decals, have not helped attract this obviously important group. Further study has seemingly identified this group to be a mixture of the mobile challenged and those who appear to have no mobility challenges whatsoever. It is, to date, unknown why this mix exists or how to get into this group.

The bare bones parkology process appears to be as follows: parking lot is accessed and analyzed, competition is judged on merit, size, shape, and, apparently, value of vehicle, and a moral ideal is created dependent on conditions. The first and, apparently, only hard and fast rule, is to park as close as possible to trading counters, so as to trade for inane knick-knacks in the least amount of time possible--it is unknown why productivity is essential in this pursuit. It is theorized that a peculiar race may be involved and those who exit the parking lot quickest may win a prize or commendation of some kind. Securing the rights, safety and personal property of self while withholding the safety, and rights of others is of the highest moral value. It appears that an estimate is generated of the amount of time required to wait patiently to park while others impatiently wait behind for overwhelming amounts of time--one theory explains that this is a kind of mating ritual. Another attests that it is a display of mockery, somewhat similar to the displays observed of the posterior of certain primates or the extension of specific phalanges. Some believe, that there may be a time limit rule involved in how long a car may be idle, due to certain displays of what appears to be righteous indignation, followed by unrighteous displays of teeth gnashing.

The position of the vehicles themselves appear to have very few rules despite reports of what appears to be a parking framework consisting of white lines laid out in a type of grid akin to certain sporting events. This lends credence to the race theory. It is unknown why cross line parking, uncentered parking and obnoxiously diagonal parking is so prevalent despite it seeming to frustrate the pursuits of other parkers, and causing what appears to be malicious damages to these vehicles. It is wondered if perhaps the vehicles are not considered to be as valued as originally postulated. Also unknown is why obscenely large vehicles are observed in especially small parking spaces, apparently designed for smaller vehicles. This appears to be another mating ritual, as studies have indicated these vehicles are for compensatory purposes. It also has seemed irrational why these obviously oversized vehicles would be used at all. It is theorized that certain fuels are considered too plentiful and these individuals perform a service by burning this fuel off as rapidly as possible, as to protect others and later generations.

In certain special parking lots a device, consisting of a over-sized non-motorized wheeled container, that appears to be used for the movement of knick-knacks from the trading counters is utilized. For an unknown reason some people carefully stack these devices into a special corral apparently designed for this purpose, while others let them roll across the parking lot and crash into other cars, or simply leave them in the parking spaces themselves. It is theorized that this may be part of the race but this doesn't seem to adequately explain all available data. It is more likely that this is a display of animosity designed to protect parking claims. Another peculiar observation, has noted a privileged group that, apparently, own their own knick-knack transport devices. This special group is often observed trading large numbers of peculiar air-filled containers, for far fewer liquid-filled containers. Few theories have been devised to explain this strange behavior, but one attests that these individuals are involved in a kind of special social ritual of unknown function. This group appears to be protected in some way because few people are seen near them, and those that are, rarely for long.

The parking resource is at times a scarce commodity, and at other times completely unused. Such a revolving, time sensitive, resource seems odd. It is like there is a certain availability of gold in the area, and the gold will be entirely mined by evening, only to be resupplied each morning by a group of happy go lucky leprechauns yet few rainbows have been observed in the area.

This concludes this report.






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