If I am getting a divorce, what will I tell the kids?

[Taverner]

Seriously...

[ScreamingMeemie]

1. That you love them.

And that never changes.

[bigwillq]

7. Yup.

Good post.

[Brickbat]

2. That it's not their fault, you'll always love them, and you'll always be there for them.

Say the last two only if they're true, of course.

[madinmaryland]

3. As long as you don't pull a 9ui11iani or a Ging-rich, you will be fine!

Tell them you love them and do your damndest to stay in contact.

[freshwest]

4. Said it's strictly an adult problem and they had nothing to do with it.

That they could not have made two adults get along in the past, not now or in the future.

That a child cannot make two adults stay together who don't consent to stay together.

That it has nothing to do with their being born, their behavior, or anything else. There is nothing the child can do.

In other words, 'It's not your fault.'

[Kali]

5. the age-appropriate, non-trashing of ex, truth

they know anyway. make sure they know they are loved and nothing is their fault.

[Taverner]

6. I will NOT trash mommy

Seriously, these kids need parents, not fighting betta fish

[nolabear]

8. As long as that's your attitude you'll do fine.

Doesn't mean it will be a cake walk but near as I can tell the posts here have been wise. There's nothing wrong with letting go of a non-workable situation but doing it with compassion and love all around will have the best outcome for the kids.

Sorry about your troubles.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

9. dont put them in the middle of your future fights

thats my best advice to you

[Gormy Cuss]

21. +1

and that's harder to do than it sounds but it's one of the gifts parents can give to their kids after divorce.
Kids have a right to continue on with the same emotional relationship with each parent but that's impossible when one or both bring the kids into a disagreement.

It's also important to stay in contact with kids daily when they're young and at least every few days when they're teens. Nothing says I love as much as staying involved in their lives.

[rustydog]

10. Tell them you need them to know they are loved by both of you

that then need to be brave and to help you and Mom get through this difficult time in your lives. Assure them all of you will get through this difficult time.

[Justice wanted]

11. That it is NOT their fault. That this will be the best thing for them and you and your soon to be

Ex. Everyone will be happy.

If you and your ex are doing this muturally maybe you two can show them that just because mommy and Daddy aren't living in the same house doesn't mean they don't care for one another.

Let them know they don't need to choose to love one of you over the other.


Thoughts from a child of a divorce home.

[riderinthestorm]

12. I'm a child of divorced parents when I was 10 yrs old

No acrimony but PLENTY of bitter nuance and hideousness in my situation - it's really easy to poison the well even with the best intentions of NOT doing so.... I have no words of wisdom here. As an adult I sympathize and empathize with you. Your children however will take it hard no matter what you do, no matter how sensitive you are. Prepare yourself for this. You can tell your children (til forever) that it has nothing to do with them but they will never believe it.

Nor should they.

Children introduce a whole new level into any relationship/marriage. To pretend that children don't "matter" or aren't a part of the marriage equation is naive. At 10 years old, I already knew and understood that my existence (and those of my siblings) was a serious part of my parents' problems. Unless your situation revolves around really "grown up" issues like sexual dysfunction, addiction, molestation, or cheating and instead its the whole mundane lot of grievances that DOES impact them like money, time, values differences, general malaise, etc then it's a whole different kettle of fish.

There are no facile answers here. If Id been told clearly, that my parents were divorcing because my father was fucking my sisters, I'd have been a whole lot healthier, a whole lot earlier, than I was. Even at 10 years old. Lies matter at any age. Trying to gloss over serious family issues won't work either. Discovering family lies years later is a problem. A big one. Worse than discovering your parents lied about Santa (my oldest was PISSED for at least a couple of years, seriously pissed at me for lying. No joke).

You are being deliberately cagey in your OP. I'm irritated to say the least. At least own up to what's going on if you are going to post such an OP asking for advice. Your children deserve ever so much more than ridiculous (lying) backstroking from you. They need you to be. there. for. them.

[Rowdyboy]

13. Be prepared for anything....I was in my 20's when my parents split. The way my father handled it

has left us estranged for many years (that was 1978). Every situation is different its always more painful than you expect it to be. Especially, if you've put on a good front and kept your unhappiness hidden.

Good luck man. I wish you the very best with your kids.

[rug]

14. Work out as many details as you can before you tell them.

Who's living where. When you will be together. What will change and what won't.

There's really no way ro soften the devastation but if you can mitigate the uncertainty the easier and quicker they'll adapt.

So, I guess what you tell them depends on how much you and their mother can tell each other first.

It sucks. But you can all get through it whole.

Good luck.

[RZM]

15. I think it depends on how old they are

I was 2 when my parents split, so I had no knowledge of anything else. They never really had to tell me anything. If they're older, it's a different story of course.

[HopeHoops]

16. How about "We're getting a divorce"?

Kids are exposed to so much now it is frightening. My wife's kindergarten kids watch TV and movies that are no where near appropriate for their age, but the parents are oblivious to that.

But that aside, be straight forward with them. Tell them what's happening and the only "why" you need to explain is that you and your spouse just don't get along like a married couple should. Just be sure both of you reassure the kids that you each love them and try to make an agreement not to bash each other to the kids. It seemed that all my mom did was bash my father. Everything was his fault. I had eyes and ears. She was only making herself look bad.

Just make sure the kids will not feel alienated and the truth will work just fine.

[HappyMe]

17. Yes, this.

Also, I think you & your spouse should tell them together.


Most important of all - no bashing of the other. The situation is stressful enough for the kids, let alone putting them into a mom vs. dad hell.

[HopeHoops]

18. What HappyMe said.

[Sweet Freedom]

19. When I was getting divorced

I consulted a pediatric therapist, which was very helpful. In addition to the advice you already received, I will add -- tell your children what will stay the same (routines, where they live, etc.), what will change (weekend visits, etc.) and then give them something to look forward to (a new tradition, a family outing, etc.).

In addition, give your kids permission to grieve. Pent up sadness turns to anger and left unchecked, turns to rage.

(This worked very well for me and the only question my kid had was who got to keep the cat.)

[MarkCharles]

20. Question: What are their ages? Doesn't what one says have to do with...

how old the kids are?

Just a question.

Of Course, you tell them that it's not their fault, and that you both love the kids just as much as ever, but what else you say depends upon what they want to know, and how old they are. NO?

I'm just curious if age of children might have some effect.

Teens probably want to know more, preschoolers can often wait to find out why things are they way they are between two parents.

[felix_numinous]

22. When relationships end

it can be done with respect and kindness. Two major relationships of mine transformed into friendships, because we fell back on the deep alliance we had at the core of our partnership. Just because people are not compatible does not mean they have to hate each other and say cruel things.

This is not always possible, but it is a very good intention to hold. Some relationships have to be severed but others can just go into another phase of relating.

You will not regret knowing you spoke your truth and were always respectful, which is what you do have complete control over.

Good luck in your break up, lots of good advice here-- I have seen so many unnecessarily cruel breakups, and it is really hard to watch-- people setting out to hurt each other. May yours be kind.

[applegrove]

23. Since you are the parent it is up to you to do all you have to do to make it right with your kids.

That means being there for them in every way when they have questions over the next few months (years). They will be grieving such a huge loss and you need to help them through all the stages. Be there and be open. I know you'll love them to death. By the end of their period of grief, your relationship with them will have changed - one more time. And they will have learnt how to deal with loss. And they'll have confidence to get on with life and know that they are strong and wise and can handle what life will throw at them.

[steve2470]

24. Two points:

1- Do everything humanly possible to keep the kids OUT of the divorce. Emphasize that it has NOTHING to do with them.

2- Do everything humanly possible to encourage their relationship and love for their mother. Regardless of what you think or feel about their mother (I'm assuming here), she will always be their mother.

[whistler162]

26. Well you do the good news/bad news stick...

bad news we are getting a divorce.

good news you will soon have more room for your stuff.

Be as honest as you can be and above all don't bad mouth your soon to be ex/

[Taverner]

28. What? I'm not allowed to ask a question and think about the answers?

But I suppose you think I should know all the answers before posting, huh?

[Tobin S.]

29. You are not required to respond to all of the posts.

You are not required to respond to any of them. If I post in a thread I just assume that it's been read. If someone wants to further the conversation, that's cool. If not, that's alright too.

[pitohui]

31. um, that you're getting a divorce?

that's how my parents handled it? what alternative is there? pretending you just happen to live in two different houses because you snore?

[edgineered]

32. No matter how well thought out and well prepared your announcement is,

and no matter how many and varied the reactions you are prepared to face, the simplest of truths is that you will have a completely different reaction than you prepared yourself for. The kids may have no reaction at all.

Of great importance is preparing yourself; be willing to accept that your spouse did or did not change in the same ways that you did or did not. Consider holding your spouse, your children and yourself blameless, after all, people do change. We consider ourselves to be better from that change. Accept their courage in deciding to improve themselves even if you do not understand it yet.

The kids will see you as reasonable and respect you.

[Boudica the Lyoness]

33. They will be worried about how their lives will change

Reassure them they will still have both of you (but not at the same time). Keep smiling..try not to let them see you worried or sad. Let them speak about how they feel and listen to them.