I was kicked out my aunts house today..

[SummerSnow]

I decided to question some strange going ons between her and her husband. I confronted her about it and she was mad with me.

1.He makes her stand in the window and wait for him to come back from the store so she can open the door ..and he has a key
2.She doesn't have a set of keys to the house
3.Everytime he leaves the house ..he shuts off the phone..then turns it back on when he returns
4.He goes out everynight at 7pm claims he is going to the store then returns 3 hours later nothing in his hands
5.When he returns he goes into the storage room locks the door .then comes out
6.convinced her not to have a bank account
7.All of a sudden ..her son cannot visit her unless he is home and she is not allowed to open the door for anyone.
8.Unexplained credit card purchases


I want to thank everyone who was supportive with their suggestions.I will be pursuing this and talking to different entities about this as well.I don't want any regrets.I have to do this.


I asked her why to all of this and she had no answer.

[Marrah_G]

1. What did she say?

[SummerSnow]

11. she said he protects her.

[Marrah_G]

31. Unless there is some real abuse thre isnt much you can do

have you talked to her son?

[SummerSnow]

85. he doesnt care

[leftynyc]

96. Does the son not care

because he was a victim of dad's abuse?

[SummerSnow]

116. not his father. but her son is just into his own life hardly visits her.

[leftynyc]

95. Protects here from who and what?

Does she really think being locked in a house without a phone is protection? Sounds like a battered wife to me.

[SummerSnow]

100. She never noticed that he was turning the ringer off..

I noticed that certain times when I would. call the phone would just ring..then I said something to her about it and he convinced her it was the phone company and they messed up the line.so I was visiting and I noticed he was about to go out and I saw him pick up the phone and turned it upside down. She didn't see this.so after he left I called her number on my cellphone. No ring.so I said to her listen this. She said who phone is that ringing? I said yours. She checked it and she said OMG the ringer is off. So I said leave it off. So when he returned he picked up the phone. I said I'm dialing you again..the phone rang.she was like shocked.she never mentioned it to him.and this happens alot

[leftynyc]

103. Well, now she knows

Is her sibling your mother or your father?

[SummerSnow]

117. my mom.my mom is deceased. no other siblings

[brush]

87. WTF

He's an extreme control freak with huge secrecy issues. Wonder where he goes for 3 hours and what he does in the locked room afterwards? This situation doesn't bode well for the future and almost certainly won't end well for the aunt and her "protector."

[littlemissmartypants]

2. Anger is the translation

of fear.

[Bay Boy]

3. This is all very weird...

...obviously he is a control freak but what is the 'secret' mission to the store and then the storage room?
I'm guessing you were kicked out because you asked too many questions.

[SummerSnow]

12. when he is in the storage room he takes something out his pocket and stuffs it in the closet somewhe

[gkhouston]

21. Trophy from a crime?

Seriously, this is serial rapist/killer crazy.

[Ilsa]

157. Reminds me of a Criminal Minds episode.

Requiring such restrictive behavior in a spouse like this is very abnormal.

Can you talk your aunt into seeing her minister or a psychiatrist?

[NCTraveler]

72. ok.

When he returns he goes into the storage room locks the door .then comes out

[elleng]

4. Very sorry to hear this. Her 'anger' at you is surely frustration about her life.

Of course she had no answer, as she dare not speak: Alcoholic (sounds like to me; may 'just' be some other form of madness in her husband.)

[Squinch]

5. She's in some trouble whether she knows it or not. Make sure she knows she can turn to you if

she needs to. Like to live with you for a while and help her get her on her feet if she needs it. She may hate you for it now, but it's important that she knows.

[riderinthestorm]

18. +1000. NT

[MichiganVote]

6. Sounds like child porn or online gambling

[SummerSnow]

14. they have no computer or any modern conviences.she wasnt like this before.

[MichiganVote]

20. Well he's hiding something that's for sure.

[okieinpain]

26. she has no computer. he's got one some

where and you can bet It's porn of some type and she is up to her neck in it.

[smackd]

7. he's a control freak...and having an affair?

[SummerSnow]

19. i think its both as well.

[pkdu]

8. Ho-lee-shit...so many red flags...she needs to GET.OUT.NOW. Nt

[gkhouston]

15. +1,000,000,000. Whatever she can take with her, she should leave with on

one of those nights when he's gone for 3 hours. And never, ever come back to that house for anything.

[amandabeech]

9. Keep an eye on her as best you can.

Men this controlling often enforce their control with violence.

She really needs to get out now, but she's not ready to admit it.

She really, really needs you and everyone in her family. Give her strength if she'll take it, but be ready when the time comes for intervention. That will be sooner than you think.

This will only get worse.

[Hekate]

10. Her life is in danger, that's why

Her husband is an extremely abusive man. I'm surprised he doesn't also take charge of her shoes as well as the keys and phone.

Mad at you? She's terrified.

[riderinthestorm]

17. Sounds like he's doing illegal shit as well. She needs to get out! NOW! nt

[burnsei sensei]

101. +1

She's convinced that she has no right to speak for herself.
She is so repressed that she has internalized his rage and turns it on you.
She will regret what she has done to you if she ever returns to herself.
Terrified? Yes, yes indeed.

[Fumesucker]

13. She spends three hours standing in the window every night waiting for him to return?

[SummerSnow]

16. i asked her why she does this since he has a key..

She said to open the door.I said he has a key.

[Auntie Bush]

39. Is that it? Didn't you keep asking and explaining. You need to be more loquacious.

[Matariki]

63. If she has to stand in the window she's not looking through his things in the house

Obviously. He tells her he's 'only going to the store' so that she doesn't really know how long he'll be gone.

[KurtNYC]

106. +1

[ann---]

152. How would he know if she isn't

"looking out the window" every single minute when he leaves? Is he trying to "catch" her not doing as he says?
I would never do that. She may be doing everything he says because he threatens to beat her - or worse.

[aikoaiko]

22. I'd call a women's shelter for advice on how to be supportive in this type of situation.

Sorry I can't be more helpful.

[annm4peace]

52. I agree

don't try to do this alone.

too many stories like this one.

[RKP5637]

129. Exactly!!! Help needs to come from some sources such as this, more

help is needed immediately than a DU posting. It could also be the result of a brain tumor and the like if this behavior came about rather suddenly. Professional help is needed. Women's shelter, community services, local police ... someone that can provide professional help/guidance.

[yardwork]

140. I agree. Expert advice is needed. This is a dangerous situation.

[datasuspect]

23. if it's your blood kin

go in and confront the motherfucker.

take some goons with you.

[okieinpain]

29. you better have witnesses with you

if you do. this is serious stuff you're seeing, you better treat it as such. people like you're uncle do not like to feel like they are losing.

[datasuspect]

30. where i come from we don't call the law

if your family is in trouble, you go in deep and TCB baby.

[okieinpain]

34. well this is going to requiem TCB for

damn sure. peoplelike that are already sitting on the edge of the abyss.

[gkhouston]

35. Which will be pointless if the aunt isn't willing to go.

You put her in a situation where the husband who's systematically isolated and belittled her is standing right there, pitted directly against someone else, and she's going to side with the husband. She'll minimalize and "forget" what's going on. And then you have the choice of removing her against her will or leaving her there to suffer the blowback.

Helping someone who wants to leave? Hell, yes; I've done it. But going in, guns blazing isn't the smart way to do it.

[datasuspect]

110. we don't ever let our kinfolks get harmed

if anyone knows about it.

does it get tricky?

yup.

but fuck the consequences, blood is blood. and if you ain't kin, you ain't shit.

at least in my world.

[Bjorn Against]

24. Your aunt needs help, make sure to let her know she has your support

She may not appreciate your support now, but there is no way this ends well and she needs to know she has someone to turn to. Her husband sounds like a very scary person, if you sense he is up to any criminal activity you should notify someone because this guy sounds like he could be dangerous.

[lapfog_1]

25. He is either having an affair or engaged in some really illegal shit. - n/t

[malaise]

27. Contact her sibling - your parent immediately and let them tell her to get out

Frightening indeed

[tjwash]

28. that's some seriously creepy serial killer guy behavior

Probably a good thing you are gone

[Ganja Ninja]

93. That's what I was thinking. He's either a serial killer or a bigamist. n/t

[rightsideout]

32. Follow him and see where he goes.

Maybe someone already suggested that.

There's physical abuse and mental abuse. She's getting a heavy dose of mental abuse and needs to seek help.

This guy is a whacko.

If you know he leaves the house at 7 pm have you ever considered following him? If you think he'll recognize your car ask a friend to help follow him but stay your distance. If you loose him one night you can always try another night. You'll eventually get an idea of where he's going.

He could be going to a strip club and that's where the money's going. But this sounds weirder since you can be secretive about that without all the other nonsense he's doing.

Now the thing is once you do know what will you do with the information. That I'm not sure. You could tell your aunt by not actually telling her.

The main concern though is she is being held a captive in her own home. That's just not right. She needs counseling and to get out of that environment for her own safety.

[Lex]

38. This

sounds like something I might do. A little PI work on my own. It's not complicated.

Pay the fee and run a criminal history on him on one of the available sites.

[patrice]

33. I'm worried that talking about this here could be dangerous for her. nt

[gkhouston]

37. You think this situation is unique? Sadly, no. n/t

[patrice]

41. And not much can be done, until something "happens"! :-((((

[msanthrope]

36. What are the credit card purchases? FYI--she needs a divorce lawyer and a crisis shelter. nt

[SummerSnow]

80. credit card purchases are kitchen appliances

that are not in the home.Probably his mistress has them for her kitchen.

[msanthrope]

115. What state is the aunt in? edited to add, this is a very serious situation.

I am a lawyer, but I am not your lawyer, and any advice I give you is not a substitute for legal advice given to you by an attorney in your jurisdiction.

What state, and from what I see below, we are talking about an older person?

[Protalker]

40. Battered Woman Syndrome

Tell your related parent and all her syblings. Tell her son your concerns. These people try to isolate their victims. Go in pairs and let him know the family is concerned and watching. You dont need a shrink when she is looking out the window for 3 hours that all is not normal.

[Generic Other]

42. Involuntary custody is a CRIME

He traps her in a house with no phone to call for help. What if there is a fire or a medical emergency?

Your aunt needs help now. Don't wait. Next time you know she is locked in, send the police to her house.

[WorseBeforeBetter]

43. Considering his control issues, I'm surprised he lets her see...

the credit card statement(s). Did she offer specifics as to the "unexplained" charges?

Many upthread have offered sound advice. I hope your aunt finds safety ASAP.

[UnrepentantLiberal]

68. Why would he leave that laying around for her to see?

That doesn't make sense.

[SummerSnow]

71. she told me the items on the credit card are not ..

in her home.They were appliances. She told me her card was stolen or lost it.But I told her that why would a thief steal your credit card and bring it back and put it in your wallet? She had no answer.I said now if the thief lives with you then that can happen.I got no response.

[WorseBeforeBetter]

121. So, what have you decided to do?

I'd track his ass, but that's me. Did you call elder services, as mentioned elsewhere in the thread?

[Control-Z]

44. Can you help?

Are you even in a position to help her? It sounds like she was helping you by giving you a place to stay. I'm not trying to pry but if she is in a dangerous situation (which sounds very much like she is) she will NEED to know she has a safe place to go - indefinitely - until it is both safe and financially reasonable to go out on her own.

This means reliable transportation, possibly police protection, a secret location to go to and the security of knowing she will not be left in a situation sure to escalate with outside interference.

Does she go to a job every day? It doesn't sound like it.
Does she have stable family that will protect and care for her?

If her situation is as dangerous as it sounds, you and anyone else who becomes involved could be in danger as well. She will need to quietly look into the aforementioned places for help and feel like she stands a chance of improving her situation rather than making it worse.

If she doesn't have support from her family or friends, a battered women's shelter might be her best recourse.

Whatever you do, try to make her feel more secure, not less.

[SummerSnow]

74. I never lived with her.when i got kicked out i was visiting.

I did let her know were here for her.but she is in such denial she lies about everything.

[niyad]

45. how old is your aunt? is she of an age where you can call an elder abuse hotline?

many of the posters here had excellent advice, and I wish you and her all the luck in the world.

[grasswire]

46. yes, HOW OLD is she?

And how long have they been married?

[SummerSnow]

75. she is 76 her husband is 71.

[Marrah_G]

83. You can call your local elderly services

They will be able to help. Get together with her son and her siblings and go make a report.

[SummerSnow]

92. I will call dept for the aging today.

[RKP5637]

133. This sounds like an excellent approach to me. It will get you started talking to

some people that can help or steer you in the direction for help. ... or at minimal help you deal with it and the next best steps. Good luck with it all, and it sounds like something you need to do asap.

[pnwmom]

143. Brilliant question. This may be the solution!

[Gato Moteado]

47. Seriously, hire a PI to follow this guy.......

....and, as at least one poster suggested, do a little investigative work on your own via the internet and the background check websites.

if you get enough evidence that this guy is up to no good, then let the authorities go in and take care of him.

[Lex]

109. A PI doesn't cost as much as people think

and they usually get quick results. Most of them have subscriptions to lots of websites to get at tons of information.

[Bay Boy]

169. Heck, I bet we could pass the hat here...

...I'm thinking enough people might want to know the answer to this mystery.

[grasswire]

48. does your family have resources to hire a private investigator?

At least someone could run a background check and credit report on him.

[Recursion]

49. 4 + 5 screams hard drugs to me

That's awful

[B Calm]

50. I would do a stake out

and tail his ass just to find out what is going on.

[Lil Missy]

51. MYOB

Unless she asks for help, there's nothing you can do, and pressing the issue could cause more harm than good.

That may not be the most popular response here, but it's the most realistic.

*ducking*

[SummerSnow]

81. I agree...shes going ti defend him and make excuses like she always do

[niyad]

112. I am sorry, but when one sees a situation like this, one does whatever one can. the attitude of

mind your own business is what allows abusers to get away with their behaviour for a long time. silence is one of their weapons.

should summer snow involve directly? possibly not, but somebody needs to be alerted. elder abuse hotline, in this case.

[pnwmom]

144. The woman in question is 76, and the law protects the elderly from abuse

just as it does children.

So you're wrong about there being nothing she can do. She can contact social services.

[JustJoe]

53. Really?

The most unbelievable part is that he let you in in the first place.

[UnrepentantLiberal]

69. Good point.

This story is dubious.

[NCTraveler]

73. This. nt.

[KatyMan]

77. Reminiscent of the thread

"I drink, I just don't want to drink with you" from a couple of years ago.

[SummerSnow]

84. I never lived with them...He was letting me in cause

He didn't think I was alert to what he was doing.he was fooling her so he assumed he was fooling me.I never confronted him cause I wanted to continue to have access to her. So when I would question her I was subtle.she wouldn't tell him anything I asked her cause she doesn't want him to stop me from visiting.as long as he thinks I'm clueless I got him.

[JustJoe]

142. Peace to you and yours.

[Gin]

90. Yep.....

I thought the same thing.

[Catherine Vincent]

54. um, that's just....

I don't know what to say. I smell something terrible in that household.

[Kalidurga]

55. I probably would have already had evidence on this guy...

I am 100% nosy. I would have been all over that house looking for stuff. I don't know what I would have been looking for, but I definitely would have been looking. I probably would have already followed him as well. It is really nice of him to have a schedule like that. I can only echo what so many here have already said. Tail him and don't get caught.

[2pooped2pop]

94. I know I'd be spending my 3 hour window time

breaking into that damned closet. Then I would follow him and have someone approach the mistress house and spy the appliances. Maybe even tell her they are investigating a lost credit card. Maybe tell the mistress the old man has some disease.

I know what I would not be doing....standing by the god damned window.

[defacto7]

56. Sounds like an Uncle and Aunt of mine 45 years ago.

They lived on a farm in Indiana. There was no illegal or secret rendezvous going on; it was just their unfortunate life. He owned a lot of property and had a lot of money but gave her an allowance of $6 a week. With this she had to buy all her necessities including clothes. She stayed home and was not allowed to drive or have a house key. She could only go out with him and to go to church. They had 8 children and all were staunch Christian and he was known to beat a couple of them with a 2x4. The only thing that got her out of it was his massive heart attack resulting in his death. His will gave her nothing except a stipend to manage herself and the rest was to be held from her in a trust of some sort so she could not afford to move or do anything else on her own. Of course the will was contested and annulled.

BTW, I was 18 when he died. She was my blood relation and I became sort of a guide for her out of her seclusion for the next 5 years or so. She did survive and survived well.

[jberryhill]

57. She kicked you out?

You didn't do this in front of him, did you?

If she told you to leave, it was most likely fear.

[SummerSnow]

76. i was visiting ..i tried to get her to come over to my house but

She goes nowhere without him.he wont allow it.so I went to her house and I started telling her my concerns she couldn't answer and she asked me to leave.Her husband was not home.

[leftynyc]

98. If it's not too personal to say,

how old are you? If aunt is in her 70s, I'm guessing whichever sibling you're a daughter of should be in their 40s - do they know what is going on with his/her sister?

[SummerSnow]

118. my mom and her were sisters.my mom is deceased. it was just the 2 of them

[leftynyc]

132. Do you have brothers and/or sisters

Sometimes a tag team is needed in a situation like this and it really should be family or close friends (but it doesn't sound like she has close friends). It sounds to me like she's a battered wife - definitely psychologically and maybe physically as well. Do they have guns in the house because a control freak with a gun is a very scary thing?

[SummerSnow]

135. i have 4 siblings...

They are getting involved since I spoke to them and they now see how serious this could be.Not sure if he has any guns.As for physical abuse..I don't think he hits her but there is emotional abuse in abundance.

[leftynyc]

136. While my instinct

is to tell you to get her out of the house even if you have to kidnap her, I realize that could bring other problems. If the siblings are nearby, perhaps something like an intervention? I think it's important that she knows she has support - that she doesn't HAVE to stay with this person.

[okaawhatever]

58. Cases like this, he has probably threatened a 3rd person also, son or dog

okay a dog isn't a person. I was suprised to learn that with elder abuse the abuser usually threatens to kill their animal if they report them. In her case, your uncle may have threatened her son or some other person she can't protect. Basically, right now if there aren't any kids or animals, she could walk out of the house and not look back. Abusers will have a plan B so to speak. If she leaves or turns him in he will kill her son, have his friend kill her son, something like that. Usually it's just a threat but it works.
Also, while he allows you to come over, after you leave or before you come he makes her life a living hell. That's his way of keeping everyone away. Please don't ignore this. Hugs

[silvershadow]

59. Your aunt is likely not in a safe situation. Whether or not she knows it. PLease,

just based on what you have said, I implore you to get involved, stay involved, and get some answers. If necessary (and I believe it is), remove her from that situation, pronto. Can you host her for a day or two or longer if necessary? Even if it's just for a "visit"? Maybe you can find more out once she is safely in your home. She may not necessarily be in danger, maybe he's just an idiot. Or having an affair. Fine, if she wants to stay there. But if she's being held as a prisoner, you MUST get involved. JMHO, since you shared. I wish her well, and will be praying for this situation.

[Matariki]

60. THAT is all super creepy.

I'd talk to the rest of your family if I were you. It sounds like some intervention is neccesary.

[ecstatic]

61. Serious emotional abuse going on

Which can be just as, if not more damaging than physical abuse.

[Matariki]

62. Buy her a cell phone that she can hide from him

In case she needs it.

[SummerSnow]

82. she says she has a cellphone ..when i asked ...

For the number she said its the same number as her land phone.So I said that's not possible. I found out it was a cordless phone that she thought was a cellphone. She is still stuck in the 1970s .

[Matariki]

149. Maybe you or your family could buy her a prepaid cell phone

and just give it to her. Tell her to keep it for emergencies.

[mykpart]

64. Suggest you tell everyone in the family about this behavior.

Also tell any friends she has. If enough people start to ask questions she may realize she's in trouble.
Agree with others that you must let her know you will help her when she is ready. Is she ever allowed to leave the house herself? Don't give up on her - she needs your help.

[beevul]

65. Any fumes around the house?

This screams meth IMO.

[SummerSnow]

79. no fumes thank goodness.

[renate]

66. this is so heartbreaking... that poor woman

That isn't even a vestige of a life that she's living. It's really not even existence. This just makes me sick.

I heartily second the recommendations above to contact a shelter, the staff of which will unfortunately be familiar with situations like this and with the options available, and to get her a burner phone in case she needs it. And of course any money you can scrape together for her. Maybe somebody here knows whether there's a government agency you can contact--although for adults, and in the absence of actual violence, there might not be. The women's shelter will know where to start. But this process has to start somewhere... this cannot go on.

I don't even know whether a second party can contact the police and report this kidnapping-like behavior. It might be worth a shot. Somebody there might be able to give you some ideas or suggestions.

If you know her son, maybe you can contact him to ask whether he knows just how bad this is. Is her husband her son's biological father? Did he live with him growing up? He might not really be aware of what's going on.

I think her husband might not just be an asshole, he might be mentally ill. If this behavior is new, he quite possibly is. But that potential diagnosis isn't going to do her a lick of good while she's living there under his thumb--whatever the reason she's being treated like this, she has to escape. She must be terrified. I am so tremendously sorry that she is living like this, and so glad that you know about it and care enough to help. Thank you for sharing this with us.

[Demo_Chris]

67. Disturbing. This guy sounds dangerous. I suggest...

Going to the police station and talking to them in person.

Your information could be the missing piece to a puzzle for them.

[UnrepentantLiberal]

70. I'm not buying this.

[SummerSnow]

78. buying? nothing to buy...i have seen this for a while

And dismissed this as him being just selfish and insecure. When I would bring it up to family they would let it roll off and say I'm overreacting.Then I had to ask myself am I overreacting? I don't think so. But I do think he is cheating on her. I don't think he is hitting her.its more emotional abuse and neglect to me.

[UnrepentantLiberal]

99. OK, sorry.

I shouldn't have posted that.

[Earth_First]

86. Nobody asked you to buy anything...

This individual is looking for support and guidance in a situation which is apparently extremely difficult.

Have a little compassion and understanding here.

[MineralMan]

88. OK, but there's no real need to post that.

Actually, what is being described is not that unusual, as any women's shelter program will tell you. Even so, your doubt about this story really did not need to be shared in this thread. You're essentially calling the poster a liar. Not cool.

[jberryhill]

89. Sorry, no refunds

Once you put it in your cart, you're going to have to pay.

[LanternWaste]

154. We all of us advertise our character in ways we often don't intend...

We all of us advertise our character in ways we often don't intend...

[AngryAmish]

91. Maybe he is looking for a mixed animal in the woods...

[alphafemale]

161. This longtime DUer appreciated that flashback of brevity in this thread.

[KatyMan]

168. :)

Oscar? Still possibly the funniest thread in the history of the internet, let alone DU.

[99Forever]

97. Sounds like classic control freak behavior.

If she won't confide in you or ask for help, I'm at a loss to as to what you can legally do.

Reminds of something that happens frequently. A brute is beating his spouse and the cops get called. They come, arrest the bastard for domestic violence or battery and then when it comes time for court, the victim either doesn't show or won't testify and is back living with their abuser and denying the abuse. A very hard circle to break and it happens far too often.

[onlyadream]

102. Get her a cheap $10 a month cell phone

Tell her to keep it hidden, and make sure your number is on speed dial.

[Marrah_G]

107. doesn't seem like she would accept it though

the offer could get her banned from all contact.

[onlyadream]

163. IF she could hide it

then at least if she needs help, she can call for it.

I bet he has a computer in his secret room... that's why he spends so much time in there.
This is so sad. I hate hearing about someone living in fear like this. I'm surprised the nephew is allowed to have contact with her. I bet that will change soon.

[nolabear]

104. This is a poor place for this. A relative, a counselor, etc.

Find someone who can actually see what is happening and get advice. I sympathize but without real knowledge this just speculates in a very bad way.

[Marrah_G]

108. I think this was the place for it

She got some good tips and is now calling her towns council for the aging for help.

[pnwmom]

145. No, actually, it isn't. Someone above had the smart idea of asking her

how old the woman is. She's 76 and that means she's protected from abuse by law -- and social services could get involved.

Healthy adults can do whatever stupid things they want to themselves. But the elderly have some protections.

[avebury]

105. I don't know if you could afford it, but have

you considered hiring a Private Investigator for one night to follow your uncle to figure out what he is up to? If he is up to some type of illegal activity you might be able to alert the authorities. If the uncle is then out of the picture, you might be able to do something to help your aunt.

Another idea is, if you have some really close friends you might also be able to get them to work with you on following your uncle one night to see what is going on. You can use cell phones to all stay in touch and if the uncle stops somewhere, one of your friends who would not be known by your uncle could go inside the place to get an idea of what is going on. It helps if you have some pretty good sized male friends.

[denverbill]

111. I was really concerned until you mentioned their ages, 76 and 71.

Is it possible he thinks she has memory issues?

Maybe he doesn't want her to leave the house because he's afraid she won't be able to find her way back. Or doesn't want her to talk on the phone to strangers who might try to con her out of money. Maybe she gave her credit card/bank information to someone who claimed to be a her bank or a long-lost cousin.

That doesn't explain all the weirdness, but I find it hard to believe a 71 year old is running drugs, having an affair, or a serial killer.

[niyad]

113. if she were having memory issues, wouldn't you think that a proper course of action would be

to take her to a doctor, and to alert the family that this is going on? NOT to keep her a prisoner--that is not the proper way to deal with memory issues.

[ceile]

119. He could be scared she'll be taken from him.

If they have been married for a considerable amount of time, she could be his "world" and he cannot picture his daily life without her.
That said, I doubt that's the situation here- it's just too damned creepy....

[denverbill]

122. They are in their 70's and he obviously has some issues.

But most of the posts seem to think he is a serial killer or adulterer or drug dealer and that his wife is in physical danger. I just find it hard to believe that someone would start that kind of behavior at that age. It's not impossible, but it's not that likely, IMO. I was just trying to find some other possible reason for his actions. Keeping her prisoner isn't the logical thing to do, but not all 71 year-olds do the logical thing all the time.

[Nay]

128. It's not hard at all to believe that the man would all of a sudden start something like this. I

used to be a social worker who visited the elderly. As some of them aged, they became paranoid, controlling (almost always the man becoming controlling of the woman), and very irrational. This is TEXTBOOK abusive behavior.

One man believed that the people who were parking at the large business across the street from his home were parking there just to purposely reflect the sun's rays from their windshields into his home.

Another man railed on and on every visit about how an aerial photo that had been taken of his farm had been doctored to make the roof look 'ugly.' I was also a trained photographer and was unable, by any logic, to convince him that the roof was a correct depiction of his actual roof. It gave me great insight into the degeneration of faculties that can come with age, and I have great pity for anyone who has to deal with this in their family -- it's time for the professionals when it gets to this point.

To the OP: Please, please contact your Council on Aging AND the local police to file reports. It's important that you start a paper trail. Make sure you get copies of the letter/report to any agencies you decide to contact, and keep their replies as well. Start a file folder.

Before you start contacting agencies and if you feel comfortable doing it (please, tell us how old you are -- not because we're nosy, but because us older folks can better tailor our advice to you), consider following your uncle to see where he is going. Take photos if possible, and document the dates/times. Keep copies of the credit card statements you saw; if the kitchen appliances were bought locally, you can possibly contact the store and see where they were delivered, under the pretense that they went to the wrong house. If you are uncomfortable with this, have a PI do this for you. If your uncle is doing ANYTHING AT ALL ILLEGAL, the police and council on aging can move to have your aunt and uncle separated (I believe) and give her a safe space.

Please tell us how you are doing with this. It's a terrible burden, but unless your aunt's relatives help, she may be in danger, esp as your uncle's delusions progress.

[denverbill]

134. How many of those elderly folks became serial killers or drug dealers?

Lots of elderly people get somewhat delusional or paranoid, but most don't become violent criminals or physically abusive.

I think your advice is good, contact the Council on Aging and follow him if possible or search the closet. However, I think it's a bit early to bring in the police.

[Nay]

139. Oh, not any that I saw. People in other posts who mention that are going overboard, IMHO.

However, there ARE cases (I never dealt with any) where one spouse (usually the male) would kill the other in an attempt to enforce control when that spouse refused to do obviously insane stuff like stand in the window for three hours until the controlling spouse came home, as in the OP's example. Delusions are delusions, and when you push a delusional person you can get horrible outcomes. That's why I am begging the OP to do what he/she can, including involving the police. The police will probably be able to do nothing yet, but a report filed about abuse observed by/reported to the OP can start the paper trail.

The uncle, if he is as delusional as he seems, is possibly being taken advantage of by nearby people preying on the elderly -- the predators may themselves be petty dealers, junkies, hookers, etc., and may be supplying the uncle with such things as sexual attention or 'companionship' of some kind. He probably visits these new 'friends' during his 3-hour disappearances, and it is imperative that the OP find out what is in that closet. He may be holding illegal substances/objects for his 'friends,' for example. That would reveal a lot, I believe, and I think the police would definitely be interested in what's in that closet. Of course, we are all just speculating, but some of us are speculating with background knowledge.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

155. I had a teaching colleague whose husband had retired from the same college

I went to her office to go to lunch with her one day, and she wrote a detailed note, saying, "I am going to lunch at (place) with Lydia Leftcoast, and we'll be back at 1:30" and stuck it on the door.

She explained that her husband sometimes dropped by the campus and was furious if he couldn't find her in her office when she didn't have classes scheduled.

[SummerSnow]

120. she has no memory issues.his actions are

not concern but a man who controls her to keep her from finding out about his sneaky ways.he had her creditcard purchased the items signed his name on the bill.she's always broke ..but never have anything to show for it. He lets no one visit .but he does these things and convinces her it's protection.

[leftstreet]

123. Have you called Adult Protective Services yet? n/t

[Ilsa]

160. I like this idea. It needs to be investigated. nt

[denverbill]

125. Well, I'm not saying there's no call for concern.

But I do think his age is something to consider. When I started reading the thread I reacted like most of the others and was worried for her safety, but at 71, I doubt most of the things he could be hiding are as bad as some people are thinking.

Yes, it's possible he has a girlfriend, that almost seems the most logical explanation. But I would question whether it would even be a physical affair versus a sugar daddy type of deal where he's just buying her stuff in exchange for companionship or something. Or maybe he is buying booze or pot and hiding it in the closet.

I'm no expert by any means, but I just find it hard to believe a 71 year old would suddenly become a serial killer or drug dealer.

Maybe you can plant a webcam in the closet and see what he's doing in there.

[haele]

137. It could also be that he has a type of dementia and has become paranoid in his old age.

He may be living in a fantasy world of his own, or he may know he has a serious health issue that he's hiding from her because he has control issues - and because his world is spinning more and more out of control, he has to control her every movement to ease his anxiety and fear of his situation.

The increase in his isolation of her is more than "weirdness" - it's a warning sign of an increase of abuse, of a challenge to the control needs of the abusive partner within the relationship. If he thinks he's dying or losing control, when he finally flames out he will think he is being merciful taking her with him - because in his world she needs him for her ability to live.
Chances are, as his loss of control within his world-view deteriorates even more, he will kill her and then himself.
This sort of thing happens shows up in the local newspapers on average of nine to ten times a year with "isolated" elderly couples where one is failing or has dementia and can no longer be taken care of.

They both need to have a case worker come in and evaluate the situation. The problem is that if he is too far gone to recognize that his actions are not normal and he may need help (and she'll probably deny he needs help because in an "old fashioned relationship" like theirs, the man was supposed to run the house and make all the decisions), his anxiety will increase and the situation will get worse even quicker.

Haele

[denverbill]

138. Hmm, I was kind of thinking along those lines, but hadn't made the connection to that sort of danger

I agree that that would be a much more likely scenario than him being a secret serial killer or meth dealer, but I'm not convinced that 'chances are...he will kill her'. I'm certainly no expert, and I can understand how that scenario could and does occasionally happen to an elderly person, but I'm just not convinced it's the most likely outcome. Lots of elderly people get mildly demented like that, but I don't think most end up as murder-suicides. But the possibility is certainly there.

[Nay]

141. Thank you. In my posts above, I did forget to mention that these situations NEVER improve.

The uncle seems clearly delusional, and unless his meds are mixed up or something, he's going to get worse and worse, putting the aunt into true jeopardy.

[pnwmom]

147. Good advice! nt

[pnwmom]

146. A 71 year old could be a control freak.

And I think the OP would have mentioned it if she thought her aunt was getting some form of dementia.

[niyad]

114. for those who dismissed this awful situation--it is pretty clear that none of you have ever been

involved in this field. sad and horrifying as the situation described, it is far from the worst those of us who have worked in this area have heard and seen. what some people do to other people is beyond sickening, and, in many cases, almost beyond the imagination of ordinary people.

[SummerSnow]

124. thank you

I will be intervening this more with my brothers. Were going to do a stake out and follow him.I spoke to a friend of mine who is a psychotherapist.she said control freak who of course is emotionally abusive.she told me calling the cops now wont do any good cause I don't have anything concrete to call them. All I have is a man who most likely cheats and treats his wife like crap.she said keep talking to her maybe she'll wake up and get rid of him...or not.

Damn

[renate]

126. I'm actually glad to hear about their ages

Seventy-six and seventy-one aren't super old, but they're old enough to justify the involvement of elder-care services. Also, although you said she doesn't have memory issues, could he be developing some kind of dementia? Or maybe taking medication that's affecting his ability to function?

From my very limited experience with the elder care services in my community, I'd suggest that it can't hurt to call with your concerns to start a file on them; they probably won't be able to intervene at first but if evidence continues to come in, they might be able to step in eventually. They're used to the way that abilities can slowly decline to the point of needing help, rather than the justice system which needs a big event before they can get involved.

[pnwmom]

148. You might not be able to call the cops but you CAN call social services

with your information about possible elder abuse. (The fact that he is also elderly doesn't matter, by the way.)

[phantom power]

127. Those are all thousand-watt red flags for abuse

Turning off the phone,
isolating from other friends and relatives
taking away all control of finances

That woman needs to get the hell away to some safe place, if she can be convinced to do it.

[d_r]

130. heroin?

1. going to get a fix, locking it in the closet when home
2. getting delusional and paranoid
3. keep her out of the bank account so she can't see cash taken out
4. run out of cash, buy some stuff on credit card to sell


just crazy speculation

[Matariki]

150. I'm curious - are there some misconceptions going on in this thread?

I think a lot of people have the impression, myself included, that your aunt gets locked in the house when her husband leaves and that he somehow disables the phone.

Is this true? I noticed that since you first posted you mentioned that he turns off the ringer and she could just turn it back on if she wanted to - and can make calls out whether the ringer is on or not.

Does he lock her in, or does she just not have a key to the house? She could leave, just not lock the door behind her?

[SummerSnow]

164. she is not locked in.she can leave out if she wanted to.

However she doesn't have keys. She lost them and he wont make a copy of his nor will she take his set and make copies.he has her trained that way.she can't go out cause she needs keys to lock the door. Hence his plan to keep her indoors to stop her from seeing where he goes.no matter where she goes he is with her.even the beauty parlor or baby showers.his disabling the phone keeps anyone from phoning her if they see him somewhere questionable.she never knew he was disabling the phone when he left out.she just assumed no one was calling at those times.

[ann---]

151. My first thought was

that she is (or will soon be) physically abused. It starts with mental/emotional abuse as you describe. THAT is what is really is.
You may want to contact her sisters, brothers or any other adult relative who can talk to her to get counseling so she can leave and
be safe.

[life long demo]

153. As others have said, he is an extreme control freak

And your Aunt is a battered wife, whether she acknowledges it or not. You can point things out, but don't put her in the position of defending her husband, which is what she will do. Just be there for when she finally realizes what is going on, and she will at some point. Been there in that position, so I understand.

[Drunken Irishman]

156. Sounds like your uncle is a serial killer.

[Ilsa]

158. Can you get someone to follow him to see

Where he's going for three hours every night?

[and-justice-for-all]

159. Souds like domestic abuse to me..

and remember, abuse is not just physical.

[lumberjack_jeff]

162. I find that it is generally best to assume grownups are acting of their own agency.

If she is of sound mind, then give her the number of the local DV shelter and drop it.

A person being controlled, who argues with those who point it out, likes it that way.

[ann---]

166. What is a local DV

shelter? What does DV mean?

[lumberjack_jeff]

167. DV=domestic violence

An excellent resource, and probably a good number for anyone to have in their wallet, phone or purse.

[0rganism]

165. this sounds like some serious Bluebeard shit to me

for those who don't know: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bluebeard

Second the opinions that she needs to GET THE FUCK OUT OF THAT HOUSE AND THAT RELATIONSHIP ASAP.